keeping it real:

what our house looks like at most any given moment

(that is a pile of baby paraphernalia in the back waiting to have batteries removed and be taken up to the attic)

lets have a look at the baby - because he is incredibly cute:

ha. you're getting old too.

Why my sister is AWESOME:

Her name is not Meg its Marie - did ya know that?

She is like Delilah she has a song for every occasion and there are like 2.3 billion songs in her itunes.

She gets louder and louder as she tells a story - and most of the time the stories are good.

She thinks every movie she has ever seen was a good movie. She cries at every movie, even movie trailers.

She rocks self confidence and is finishing her degree soon after a lot of hard work.

And I suppose I'll admit she has better hair than me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEG-a-LEG

Oh man... we were so young, and in love, and young :)

Garden update:

see I knew it, I knew it, I shouldn't have said anything nice about Hickory - he got shut in the garage for maybe 5 minutes and he did this:
that would be a under pad for a sleeping bad and one bag of compost... nice.

and. .no thanks to hickory... the garden looks like this today!

and this is how it looked after I took all this out of it:


yes that is the top of my outdoor fire pit! full of lettuce spinach a few onions and radishes and basil and cilantro

I have a tomato growing!!

the cilantro turned into a 2.5 stalk overnight

zinnias are blooming

see the lettuce there I just cut off leaves from the bottom up and they keep producing

broccoli that I grew from seed vs.

a transplanted broccoli plant - to replace hickory's handy work.

The silence was deafening on my other post but that is ok.

I do regret if I came off too harsh and judgemental which I am, but I was being defensive.

I was sad though that at the womens conference lunch this weekend I was behind two women talking about being 'done' with kids. "you're not keeping those baby clothes are you?" you are done you said...." "oh yeah I am so done, but that dress was just too cute to give away"

And I thought to myself. Really? I mean REALLY? can I get away from this topic? Then they switched to talking about the people they hire to clean their house. One had to remind the housekeeper to wipe down the bunk beds and one was happy that she could leave money out without it being stolen.

then my head was spinning with judgement so I retreated into myself.

Other than that the Stake women's conference was amazing. I really liked the session on Preparing for temple worship. I have some good reading assignments. And Meredith and Betsy's talks were amazing!

I am also enjoying Sis. Beck's talk at BYU women's conference.

PS. I went to church in North Richland hills yesterday - It was a nice retreat. I went with Joni. It is amazing how you can feel such camaraderie and the Spirit with someone of another faith.

I so thought that a ward split would be announced while I was gone. oh well

** other blogs on this series here and here

funnies...

I can't believe how nice it is to grow lettuce, I just cut off the outer leaves every few days and get this much with TONS still growing in the garden.

a teeny carrot picked before its prime :(

Cora walks around with the ipod taking pictures, demanding you say cheese. And when she done with that takes pictures of her feet. Sounds familiar.

"I'm dead really", Hickory comes up to us and does this trick without command just in the off chance you have a treat.

Cora's new pastime is playing in water, water anywhere and everywhere - she especially like the bathroom sink and filling things with water and taking them outside and drinking from them like she is a cat. Every time I give her a bath she informs me that she is either a dog or a cat and I have to act accordingly.

Speaking of dogs:

I hesitate to say anything too remarkably good about Hickory because when I claim what a good dog he is - he goes and tries to destroy my garden.

But ... he is a really smart dog and we are in a pretty good groove at the moment. He is easy to train except for the don't jump on people when they come over thing and please don't eat drywall or the sofa.

At night when he squeezes in between Kyle and I - I feel like Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride.

"Goodnight Hickory, most likely I'll kill you in the morning."

Further thoughts on that topic.

I think what also sparked my need to get things off my chest was a blogpost over at Joni Martin's blog, she is living different faiths for 30 days to debunk misinformation and explore God from a new perspective - which by the way has absolutely fascinated me! - she even blogged about my fascination here.

The gist of the blog was tenets of Islam and the first line was "No new souls" and I was huh? wha? and then as I read I thought well yes we believe that too - if we were all together in the pre-existence - there are no new souls being created for this earth. So it's exactly the same as what we believe I just never heard it from the "No new Souls" perspective.

I think we talk about as LDS women 'doing hard things' a lot. But being so bold as to add "having more children or adopting children" in the hard things list gets people angry and defensive.

My litmus tests for our reasons for not having more children is could I say those reasons to the face of a soul waiting to come to earth?

I picture a long, long hallway of doors and a spirit hoping for a body and going to door after door much like Joseph and Mary did.

If a spirit comes to us, Kyle and I need to be able to say we can't take you because of X,Y,and Z and be completely comfortable with that decision.

If we have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation and understand that spirits need bodies and understand the goal of the adversary how can we not have the STRONGEST of convictions on this topic?

If Satan has to work hard to get a soul away from the Gospel how much easier is it to just insure they are never born into the Gospel to begin with?

I can't bear the thought of sending away someone who then ends up in horrible circumstances here. What if I say no and a girl ends up born into the Taliban, or a boy ends up a boy soldier in a war torn country?

What if a girl ends up the daughter of a pageant mom and has horrible things done to her for vanity's sake?

I'd feel silly one day finding out someone was supposed to be in our family and I just didn't want to deal with puking, and back pain and feeling like my pelvis was going to split right in two.

I think faith has to precede the miracle on this one. How does permanently closing off the means for God to open your womb possibly limit miracles? When we took the leap of faith after Cora Kyle's career wasn't near recovered from the recession. - By week 10 of the pregnancy with PJ his company had a new position for him at a much better salary. I feel that was a blessing based on our faith.

Before I felt this way I wanted to lean on the two things I hear most on the topic to justify our choice to be "done":

The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health

Every pregnancy jeopardizes life or health. Even with the best provider, diet, and plan, pregnancy and childbirth is dangerous. If I want an excuse not to do it - there are plenty.

and the "its between, you, your husband, and the Lord." aka. Its no one's business how many kids we have.

very true it absolutely is NO ONE's business.

But in that equation (you, spouse, & the Lord)- it shouldn't be overlooked that one of those involved paid the ultimate price for your body and soul and he kindly requests that you offer the same opportunity you have had to other souls.

The Lord hasn't changed this request since Adam and Eve.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.

I also think that we put special emphasis on chastity in youth to protect procreative powers. But we are ok with throwing away those powers when our family size is "just right".

I take no offense with women who are done bearing children who have taken the decision seriously but the flippant attitude of "oh I am done - yuck -- being pregnant sucked - so not doing that again." is dangerous. There are entire books on why pregnancy sucks. I have heard flippant remarks from Relief society teachers about them not having anymore kids for such and such reason and saw many heads nod in agreement - like oh yeah it does suck - I'm done too.

Now I do totally believe that there are most definitely situations where couples should not have children. There are cases of health reasons/ mental health reasons and possibly even financial hardships that should be taken into consideration. When a couple brings a child into the world without stability that is just as dangerous as not bringing them when one can.

I also find it more than a little shocking to be so firmly in the minority in my opinion.

At Time out for Women - one speaker talked about making sure our children were non-conformers. And he mostly meant against the world. But I sat there thinking what about when you are a non-conformer amongst fellow believers?

I am not the only one taking notice of this trend - Four seems the magic number for LDS families these days. Very, very spiritual sisters that I have tremendous respect for have stopped at 4 and are 100% ok with their decision. I'd love to know more about how they arrived at that peace. But that would be prying. So I ramble on here.

It seems that peace of letting God choose your family size has left the Church and has been taken up by sisters of other faiths. My three favorite blogs for inspiration about big families are not LDS. They are women who wholeheartedly have faith in "multiply and replenish the earth" they don't have easy pregnancies either, but they obviously have been blessed to handle the trials and they teach others a long the way, I sit at their sides and learn via the internet but can't help but wish they were sitting with me at church so I wouldn't feel like the only one.

Smockity Frocks

Raising Olives

In a shoe

** you should totally see how 'in a shoe' manages her family in a small three bedroom home - I think it is totally awesome! Their bunk beds are way cool!

Amazing post here that says what I feel -- much better than I could even say:

taken from Women in the Scriptures

"It made my heart ache and I really began to re-examine my testimony of the gospel. If the gospel was true, and there really were hosts of spirits waiting for their turn at mortality, then nothing else in my life would compare with the opportunity to help God clothe those spirits in their immortal tabernacles. Bodies, which because of the atonement, would all become immortal and could one day house Gods and Goddesses. Was there anything greater I could do with my “plans” that that? Yet, if the gospel wasn’t true and giving birth was really just giving existence to the non-existent, as so many in the world believe, then consecrating my fertility to a non-existent deity was the stupidest thing I could ever do.

Did I really have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation? Was God really serious when He said “be fruitful” or was He just giving a suggestion? Did I really believe God when He promised that “children are a heritage from the Lord? (Psalms 127:3)” Did I truly believe?

I felt my spirit yielding but still my mind pushed back against God.

I continued to wrestle.

A few weeks later as I was swimming laps at the gym I was pondering over my choices when a thought hit me so powerfully that I began to cry mid-stroke (yes, such a thing is possible) as the spirit rushed over me.

“It is all based on your willingness,” the still small voice whispered, “Are you willing to be a handmaiden of the Lord?” "

Picture pages...

the garden is surviving...

and I get enough from it for salad 2-3 times a week!

Ella's class presented their autobiography books at Barnes & Noble:

I PULLED OUT A TOOTH - my first as a mom, Ella had complained and complained and complained. But she wouldn't let Dad get near it because he helps yank them. I knew I needed the element of surprise, so I said let me see it and I went to wiggle and YANKED that puppy right out. At first she was mad at me, but later she said 'thanks - I couldn't do it myself'

Cora chilling watching Ponyo

PJ chewing on Hickory's collar tag

Maiya and mommy out together playing around:

One of Cora's favorite places to fall asleep

Having lunch with the kids at school - can you believe this year is almost over? Its strange to think the first lunch I had with the kids this year PJ was not yet born.

Maiya's Kindergarten musical at school:

Look who is 11

We celebrated Benjamin's birthday this weekend with a swim at Allen Natatorium and pizza at Cici's. I had a brief moment of surreal when I realized that when PJ's 11th birthday rolls around I'll be almost 44. I know that's not old, but I swear I still feel the same as I did at 21.

Benjamin has NEVER once had to hold his nose while swimming, jumping in, diving or anything he even keeps his eyes open!! Its amazazing.

I thought that was a cool picture

Best buds!

homemade cake = yum

Man I love my boys.

This one discovered the joy that is a cinnamon roll. He was HOOKED.

mmmm. that's good.

Cora showing me her toy from the arcade.

I know the next few years is going to go even faster. I can't fathom it but I believe it.

off my chest... LDS & birth control....edited to add

**note.
This post came at the time from very hurt feelings of mine. I have always expected raised eyebrows for our family size from people. But people in my own faith questioned me quite often even teasing me. I felt if there was power to be had in what we believed people of my own faith would understand my family size. And this was written out of that pain. I am sorry to those who's feelings I hurt.

I will be posting pics of Benjamin's Birthday party soon so if this potentially controversial post doesn't suit you please ignore it.

my mom rocking her baby bump and tattoo

my parents at their wedding unsuspecting of me the honeymoon baby to be

me and my daddy and stellar fake wood panelled walls

Me and my Me-maw Janie (who lovingly thought breastfeeing was deesgusting)

After, correct that, during my pregnancy with Cora I was SURE we were done. I told everyone Kyle was getting the big "SNIP" and I reminded him frequently. I got a card for a urologist from my OB. I carried that card in my wallet. I considered a tubal ligation, but read that in some women it can cause symptoms of morning sickness because the body interprets the ligation wrong. I was considering permanent measures so I would never, ever again have to experience morning sickness.

There were the sly comments from many (even family) like "you're done now right? right??"

And during the pregnancy I felt peace about being done. But I was also feeling a baby kicking inside of me so I think I was riding on hormone fumes.

Then Cora was born and the pregnancy behind me didn't seem as daunting as I had thought. And my heart was slowly softened to the concept of letting God and our libido be in charge of what spirits would join our home. It took faith and prayer and advice of faithful sisters. Especially with unemployment stirred in there for fun.

And of course you know the result of that - an adorable little boy we call PJ who I can't possibly imagine him being in any other home but ours.

But what had me thinking about this topic this morning was how much taking a different path with my recent pregnancy has opened my eyes to what I feel are two growing evils in this world:

Modern Obstetrics and the devaluing of babies/big families.

After a pregnancy and childbirth with a midwife

I WANT TO TELL EVERY PREGNANT WOMEN I KNOW - GET A MIDWIFE!! Even for your hospital birth - Go to a midwife... take a real childbirth class not the stupid one the hospital offers, get a midwife, get a midwife, get a midwife, and maybe even a doula.

I can't tell you how many women have said to me things like

You were lucky - I HAD to have a c-section.

My body couldn't handle labor.

My body couldn't finish labor.

The baby couldn't handle the contractions.

My water broke and they would let me go any longer.

I would have died if I had been at home.

My baby would have died....

I give full appreciation to each sentiment. Every women's birth story is her story and I will not argue that. But my heart wonders. What would have happened if you had been with a midwife?

If you followed a brewer's diet would your blood pressure have been so high?

Would you have been induced?

Would the midwife have discouraged pitocin that would have left the baby unstressed?

Would she have been a support for you throughout all the labor instead of just barely darkening the door when you started to push?

Would her support have helped you go longer without the epidural that slowed your labor or made your labor go too fast bringing the baby down in a malposition?

Without the epidural could you have gotten into and hands and knees position that would have got the baby unstuck off of your pelvis and you wouldn't have needed that c-section?

Wonderful Blog article on the topic HERE

My anger is NOT AT ALL with moms - but with OB's.

They make decisions and cause so many interventions that lead to c-sections without thought to the lingering consequences for moms.

Because second to the above statements - I also hear sadness in the voice of those who's family size was directly affected by C-sections and OB's opinions.

"I'd love to have more, but the doctor said:

my uterus was see-though

my uterus was like saran wrap

my c-section scar was too thick, too weak, poorly positioned, etc.

the baby could kick right though my uterus if I got pregnant again

I think when a mom has two or three children the OB's have no problem whatsoever saying you should be done. I mean what would be the benefit to them to say its safe to have more children?

you:

a. already have children.

b. if you ask if there are risks - of course they would say yes, there are risks for every woman. Why should they say yes then you have more children and put them in a potential place of blame.

c. If they say there are risks in front of your husband then you can be pretty sure your family is done. Because what husband is going to be ok with any risk.

I am amazed at the women - friends and nurses and doctors who's options were limited by c-sections themselves so they persuade/bully other women into it too - making the woman feel guilty to consider more. All someone has to say to a questioning woman is "Yeah go ahead and leave the ones you have motherless so you can have one more!

What couple will ever have confidence with their decision?

I AM NOT SAYING THAT you should ignore your doctor. Just take into consideration that its like asking a butcher if you should be a vegan. Asking an OB if there are risks in another pregnancy. A person who sees the mostly bad of pregnancy all day and you'll almost always get a YES answer.

Yet... the women who go onto to get pregnant after the doctor has said "NO MORE OR YOU"LL DIE." surprisingly and I've known a few... have had safe pregnancies and deliveries.

But instead of the doctor saying - hmmm. you handled that just perfectly ... they say well you managed to live but really NO MORE, OR YOU REALLY WILL DIE this time.

What you decide about birth control for your family is up to you, your spouse and God. But OB's should stop getting to play God by telling all these women not to have more children.

I'll stop now and tell my mom's story since I believe this is the root cause of my passion on this topic.

My mom was told as a teenager she could not get pregnant. She was married once before my father. And she did not get pregnant.

Then she married my dad and almost instantly got very, very sick. Throwing up ALL THE TIME. sound familiar right?

she went to a doctor and told him she was sick and no its not pregnancy related because she is infertile. So they did tests, and x-rays and all that was available in 1977. And then they did gallbladder surgery because since she was still vomiting all the time that must be it right?

Well when they did the surgery and her gall bladder was fine they slowly put 2 and 2 together as they sewed her up. But to avoid liability didn't tell her (she found out later that the surgeon realized mid surgery that she was probably pregnant). They said "turns out its not your gallbladder - go see another doctor.

And she did and they did more tests and later that afternoon they called and said "Congrats" and she was like Huh? wha??

Congrats you're pregnant!

They estimated her at well past half the pregnancy by this point. and gave her a late September due date (but really they had no clue)

So about mid October they talked C-section. My mom was sad to never experience a contraction - she says she never even got to the point of having Braxton Hicks. I was born via c-section on October 19th - 6lbs 8ozs. COVERED in vernix. So thick that my mom says she was unprepared to see that and she was positive I was dead.

I was not over 2 weeks late - I was born, probably 2 or more weeks early.

She tried to breastfeed but says I drew blood and she swore never again. She still likes to joke about her aversion to breastfeeding. I don't mind too much. I know she had no support. I means who was breastfed in the 70's? - probably not a single nurse in the hospital did. My grandmother sure didn't and my great-grandmother was very vocal even once I started having children that only 'poor women' breastfeed.

I wish I could go back in time and help my mom. Bleeding cracked nipples are from poor latch - usually from early babies without the proper strength for a good latch.

Four years later my sister was born via repeat cesearean. And on the operating table my mom was coerced into tubal ligation, because you guessed it - her uterus was paper thin according to the OB.

I read her journal with permission, and she was devastated.

"To know I'll never feel another daughter or son of Heavenly Father in my earthly being hurts me to the core. But I love the little family Donnie and I have together."

I'll never forget her being by my side when I labored with Benjamin (pitocin induction, forceps near miss c-section) and she enjoyed my contractions in a strange way - saying I'll never know what that feels like.

Pay attention ladies, know your options, weigh the risks. Taking lightly the risks of not being prepared for labor and delivery will limit your options.

I think the way modern obstetrics are right now is a form of evil limiting family size in righteous homes.

My heart breaks for every woman told she should not have more children when her heart wants them.

and that leads me to the second thing I hear alot:

"whoo you have your hands full I couldn't handle that"

I think our own perfectionism is another form of evil, because our sanity rests on an ideal that is so hard to achieve we limit family size so we can "manage"

We have bigger and bigger houses but smaller and smaller families. We coddle our kids so much that the thought of more seems daunting.

I have no good response for "you have your hands full, I'd go crazy". I do have a messy house all the time, we don't do a sport or two for each kid year round. There are sacrifices. But I am not trading my family for a perfect house, more vacations, or even for more money in savings accounts.

When I get to the spirit world I'd rather be guilty that I had stained carpet (and for the many, many other reasons) than knowing a friend, a spirit that fought beside me in the pre-existence went somewhere else instead of to Kyle and I because we were afraid of more noise, less money, and more stains.

I am sad that I feel/hear the sentiment of "no more babies for me, no way" just as much in the Church as out of the Church. People talk about their husband's vasectomies, their tubals as if it was the most liberating moment of their life.

The no permanent birth control except in cases of jeopardized health and all of sudden all women have jeopardized health.

I AM NOT INTENDING TO OFFEND.

But I think of the tithing lessons and all sentiments about topics like that and how those statements could coordinate perfectly with family size but I don't hear that.

"It takes faith"

"God will provide"

"It will make you different from the world but you will be blessed for it"

How many women know the church's stand on birth control? I bet A LOT don't know. I didn't for a long, long time. In fact if we had gone into the decision after Cora without just a little more digging, I'd be regretting Kyle's vasectomy RIGHT NOW!!!

I am broken hearted to think of all the comments I made about "absolutely no more babies" when there are soooo many good women waiting for a baby in their arms. Have women longing for children overheard my crude remarks? If so I am sorry.

I borrowed these from this post I came across this morning: The LDS church stance on tubal ligation.

In the 2010 Church Handbook of Instructions (which has recently been put online) it says this about surgical sterilization as a form of birth control:

"The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or 2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgement and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer. "

Prophet Spencer W. Kimball said,

"We marry for eternity. We are serious about this. We become parents and bring wanted children into the world and rear and train them to righteousness. We are aghast as the reports of young people going to surgery to limit their families and the reputed number of parents who encourage this vasectomy. Remember that the coming of the Lord approaches, and some difficult-to-answer questions will be asked by a divine Judge who will be hard to satisfy with silly explanations and rationalizations. He will judge justly, you may be sure."

Prophet Joseph Fielding Smith said,

"Now I wish to ask a question: How will a young married couple feel when they come to the judgement and discover that there were certain spirits assigned to them and they refused to have them? Moreover, what will be their punishment when they discover that they have failed to keep a solemn covenant and spirits awaiting this mortal life were forced to come elsewhere when they were assigned to this particular couple?"

I enjoyed reading the post almost as much as the comments. I still have a questioning mind on the subject. I am not against birth control completely. I am wary of anything permanent. I am considering taking a NFP class and in the mean time I am loving this app - to track fertility.

I am going to strive to be more faithful about what is and what may be. I am so thankful for a faithful husband who talks this topic out with me all the time. Because let me be honest its more than a little scary. Kyle always ends this frequent conversation with "you are the one who has to go through it" I'll give you all the babies that you want, but if you are done then we are done. We will be ok.

More evil than scalpel happy OB's are husbands who TELL a wife no more children, or insist on a big family. Its a tough decision that has to be made together in prayer.

your thoughts?

** My mom read this and said she regretfully agrees and does wish she could have had more children, but because of the way things happened we would have never had my adopted brother in our life and he taught her many things and blessed our lives.

I wanted to also say why I wrote this post- I left a nice comment, honestly it was nice on a blog of someone I don't know in person. She was saying she was done at four even though it hurt her heart to say that. I said well don't do anything permanent because you may revisit this topic later.

then she never approved my comment. so I thought I can put my thoughts on my own blog neener neener. This post is IN NO way directed at anyone I know in real life. for reals.