first a look back - Here is Benjamin on his first day of Kindergarten - You are not going to believe this but I did not step foot in that school on his first day - He got on the bus and then he took the bus home - WITHOUT ME. And he was SOOO proud of himself for doing so - I consider it a gift I gave him - a gift so few kids get a taste of anymore- Independence. He is now nine and he can go into the store and buy something without me, go into the library without guidance, go to the park, meet new people, jump into situations - without a parent hovering near.
and then this past monday...
my kids getting on the bus on the first day of school - gasp.
I caused enough controversy on Facebook when I criticized helicopter parents - This time of year makes it soooo hard for me to bite my tongue. Its everywhere - parents stunting their childrens' growth and independence with affluence and worry and general overbearing hovering. I can't read another blog, or have another conversation about picking kids up, walking them in, whispering about gifted and talented, or which teacher has the "bad" kids, or which teacher has all the kids who need help with reading.....
I am GOING TO SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love texas, I love the schools here, but
the moms here make me want to box up the house and move
" Hothouse parenting has hit the mainstream - with disastrous effects. Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the lumps and bumps out of life for their children, but the net effect of parental hyper-concern and scrutiny is to make the kids more fragile. When the real world isn't the discomfort free zone kids are accustomed to, they break down in myriad ways. Why is it that those who only want the best for their kids wind up bringing out the worst?"
- Hara Estroff Marano
update - after I walked away I thought this will just come off as purely judgemental - and it is in a sense but I really wrote it so other mothers who feel the way I do will know that they don't have to keep up with other helicopters at all - its like we breed fear within each other instead of common sense - so that is my goal to be the voice of common sense. Put your kids on the bus, don't email the teacher daily, don't care where your kid's reading level compares - LOVE them and let them be free and then you will be also.
9 comments:
Ah, Janie, it's like we're twins separated at birth. Except you're the twin that got all the chutzpah.
These are beliefs I've always had, but I've been too chicken to say them out loud. I've allowed myself to be cowed by the mob of helicopters to stop myself from doing what I've wanted with my own kids (except in small ways). EXCEPT.
Except over the summer I was away from the parents and observing my kids and seeing how great they are. I started letting them roam a little more free at the library, then more, and more at other places.
Yesterday I walked my kids to school. Today I walked behind them, and informed them that as soon as they're secure in the route, they're on their own.
I'm hoping to have free-range kids really soon! It's baby steps for me, but you give me courage. THANK YOU!
Also, the whole Facebook thing was HIGHLY entertaining from a distance. :D Yeah, I don't miss Texas Parenting.
I agree. My kids WALK to school! YIKES! lol I send them in the store ALONE and make them get their OWN breakfast in the morning! they even do their own laundry! GASP!! I only drop off in the morning on the first day and that is outside only. no walking to class.
Yay for you for putting this out there. I take Tyler to school on the first day of school and walk him to class because the kid is terrified of change and I wouldnt' get him to school if I didn't. The 2nd day of school, he gets dropped off outside whether he likes it or not, and from then on out it is the bus for him. And this morning I was rewarded with one of the sweetest phrases a mother wants to here: "I don't want to be taken to school." We had overslept, but instead of Tyler letting me take him to school so that he didn't have to rush to get ready, he wanted to rush. He wanted to ride the bus. Yes! I'm succeeding. I'm teaching him to embrace and enjoy his independence. So hurray to all the mothers out there who force their children to do things they don't want to do. We are raising stronger, more resiliant kids who will one day be strong enough to run this country. Thank goodness for that. I can't imagine what our country will be like without them.
Thanks guys - I don't feel like such a social outcast anymore.
And oh Hallie - there are some women you could talk to and some blogs you could read that would make you terrified about the leaders of the future.
The book "nation of wimps" talks about how many stay at home moms are so educated and driven that they use the gusto they did in their education and career to raise their kids and they end up micro-managing every little thing. We are doing no one a service - not ourselves, not our marriages, and especially not our kids.
I also think a lot of women limit their family size because they are overwhelming themselves with every detail.
I fret about my kids not being big into sports - but I still want them to go outside and just PLAY, but sadly there are so few kids let outside to just play, because they are either watched like a hawk or into organized sports because that is the only place where they can play.
Ella was so cute, she had the I'm cool and laid back thing going on. Love her, I really wish I had her mentality sometimes.
And I am just putting this out there for people who may not comment but read them.
Janie is not a careless reckless parent. She worries, and is worried about the problems her children will face without her there, BUT she knows that life is learning and that is what they need.
When she first let Benjamin go to the park the first time by himself she paced, bit her nails(which she never does) and I had to hide her car keys for a little while. It is not out of anything but love that she allows her kids to LIVE their OWN life. Eventually she drove by (without stopping) just to check.
And he came home fine with the biggest smile on his face. Not because he went to the park, but inside he knew he had the trust of his mother.
Some of us try to allow our kids to be independent and thenthe school butts in and says we have to hover.
I'm just sayin'.
Yep, I teach 8th grade-- already have had 6 emails and 1 parent conference in the works, and its the 1st week of school. Nothing happened, nothings wrong, just making sure I understand their child.
I do. I've read every document produced on your child--- every, cause they have a file as thick as my fat butt-- and by law I have to read every one. I understand, I want to understand. That's why I am a teacher.
I am also a mother. Who tends to feel insecure, because of what I see and hear other mothers doing. I look back at the way I was parented, I walked a long way to school, on a fairly busy road, in the 1st grade. I was okay!
I understand.
I remember when Claire was a baby, we had a very wise pediatrician. She talked to me every time about my child pushing the limits, learning the word no, and seeing what she could get away with. She told me how important it was for my child to gain her independence. I am so thankful for those talks.
One more book that I LOVE-- Reviving Ophelia. Any woman, and any mother of a daughter has to read it!!
Hi Janie,
I'm Wendi, a friend of Ryann's. We met once at her house a few years ago. Just had to tell you I love reading your blog and agree with lots of your ideas. I especially love this post:) My kids haven't ever played soccer and I think we are the only ones in our ward who haven't. I had people also ask me if I am sending my 2 year old-yes he was 2 in May- to preschool. What? He is only 2!!
Anyhow, love your blog! Also an aspiring photographer, so love to see your stuff!!
take care,
Wendi
Yay! You just have a way of getting to the point! Although I don't have school aged children yet ... I have been teaching for a while and have always appreciated the parents who actively help their child be more independent.
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