God sent me at the right time.

A thought occured to me while in the bathtub tonight.  Breastfeeding amenorrhea has ended so I could conceive... but I need to avoid morning sickness until after my little sister's wedding in March. So this means a window has closed. If I'd got pregnant before the first of the year I'd deliver before my 35th birthday.

But now if we are so blessed to have another child I will deliver under the umbrella of what modern medicine calls "Advanced Maternal Age".

Ugh.

It kind of reminds me of when I first realized I am considered "morbidly obese"
Advanced maternal age just sounds so...

ominous.

I'll ignore the fear that can come with titles like that. But there is a part of me that is sad to think my reproductive years are winding down. Now that I have an 11 year old. Five years doesn't seem so long after all. I don't know when menopause will start for me (I come from a long line of women who had to have early hysterectomies so I really don't know) but regardless, 40 isn't too far off.
And no matter what we ever do, I will ALWAYS want options. Ya know if I want a baby at 90 then I want a baby. (I'm joking...well maybe.)

I regret the years on birth control hormones and the IUD. They were decisions that felt right at the time when life seemed so long and money so short. But now I realize like sands through the hour glass... my potential for childbearing is but a short part of my life. And my heart breaks so much for the those who go through infertility. I really can't imagine the heartbreak. Its the one thing that makes me want to punch God in the face. And that may be blasphemy but its true. A woman right now somewhere is terminating a pregnancy or neglecting a child while other women cry themselves to sleep hoping that this month will be the month. I know there are answers to quell my anger with the Man above.. but I'll just have to take it up with him myself.

Facing my future, whatever it will be, made glad I am living in this time and place.

I used to be convinced I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born some time where I could take my attitude and be, ya know: radical.

I like to think I would have been on the front lines of the civil rights movement.

I would have made a good early LDS pioneer. I'm hearty. I can walk and walk and walk. I can birth without drugs.

I would have been a good hippie. I like the music. I love activism - just give me a cause and I fight for it.  Long wild hair and skirts and Bob Dylan. I'm so there.

I would have been a good early feminist. Janie vs. inequality.

Me and the status quo don't get along so well. If the majority start to agree I start to question. I don't mind if my choices stand out. So maybe I wasn't born in the wrong time or place after all. I live in a time where the choice to be completely "traditional" : at home, pregnant in the kitchen, with lots of babies, is in and of itself radical.