This is the one area of body acceptance that I have very much struggled with.
I've worked hard to accept my body just the way it is - but I always have that number in the back of my head. I generally do know how much I weigh.
I took the scale out of the bedroom but I couldn't get rid of it so I slid it under the dresser and would take it out on random days and despite the pep talk I gave myself, I would still use that number to beat myself up the rest of the day. Nothing else is quite as quantitative and unkind: I'm fatter than I was X days ago. Who-hoo I lost X lbs. At least I'm skinnier than her. Oh man I probably weigh 50 lbs more than.... on and on and on... If anyone can weigh themselves with completely neutral or positive thoughts my hats off to them.
I put certain weights that I've been at in my life on pedestals.
The weight I was the day I married.
The weight I was before my first positive pregnancy test.
The weight I've gained in pregnancies.
The most weight I've lost after a pregnancy.
The weight before the wreck that birth control pills, depo provera and nuva ring did to my body. That nuva ring almost killed me.
I play little games to congratulate myself:
How much I weigh in relation to my menstrual cycle...
How much I weigh in relation to Kyle...
Did I weigh with clothes, without clothes, wet hair, dry hair, first thing in the morning....
The mental games get kind of ridiculous.
Does it matter what I weighed in 1999, why is a stat from that year dictate how I feel today? If I am bloated does that mean I should be extra depressed today too? I started wondering after reading HAES, what would I be like if I really truly didn't know my weight? I even started wondering about my children - If I balk at the BMI testing at school when does weighing have benefits and not have benefits?
At the premiere of America the Beautiful - there was a question and answer session with the director Darryl Roberts and the lead therapist at a Eating Disorder treatment center - the eating disorder facility was promoting the film tour.
I asked:
"As a mother, what is my responsibility in regards to weighing my children? How often should it be done and for that matter, how often should I weigh myself?"
What she said was refreshing but still a little shocking:
"I think we'd all be better off if we NEVER weighed. - there are times in our history and present cultures that do not weigh themselves at all. There are far more risks to our psyche from fretting about our weight than risks to not knowing what that number is."
Since her answer I have daydreamed about a life where I never knew what I weighed and it seemed rather refreshing to think about.
How much sadness have I let wash over me on the days where I felt thinner and the scaled disagreed. What if I had just walked out of my bedroom that morning feeling thinner? I would have been in a better mood - done more things with a kick of self confidence instead of sulking in to my kitchen berating myself.
If I had never gotten into the habit of weighing would I compare Janie after five kids to Janie the day she married and feel like a failure? Probably not.
I have even daydreamed about a child - never in its life weighed! can you imagine?
A birth announcement that says - a beautiful baby boy/girl has entered our life. And outdated growth charts and body size percentiles politely declined at each dr. appointment?
The only two situations that I can possibly think of needing to know weight:
1. failure to thrive in an infant/ child - there are markers that would be present that would indicate taking accurate weights is needed. A child not adequately nourished will have more symptoms than just weight loss: lethargy, decreased urine/stool, etc... As for my babies there is pretty accurate information that they are putting on weight - I'm putting up too small clothes by week 2 of their little lives.
2. Medication dosage based on weight. I can see the need for this. But you can request that you are weighed and not told the number. Though in general I have asked about this issue MANY times with different health care professionals and I have been told it doesn't matter. Take advil for instance - for children its by weight but not for adults, ballpark I weigh almost twice the amount of my good friend - but by the bottle of advil we take the same dosage? I ask the doctor should I take more? and I get chuckled at - "no you're fine" and the question mark remains over my head
In c-sections for fat moms there is documented evidence that not enough antibiotics are administered and it leads to higher prevalence of infections. So, moms are told they have to know their weight for medication purposes but then don't adjust the levels of medicine anyway.
My guide to letting go of "that" number:
Decide the personal pros/cons of not knowing your weight:
-Does weighing yourself make you happy? Are you psychologically benefiting from knowing? Could you find other indicators to track your health if that motivates you? Clothes size/fitting? How you feel? energy level?
- Are you demonstrating misplaced values to your children, specifically your daughters by weighing frequently and your subsequent mood? Eating disorders often start with frequent self weighing and body snarking.
- Are you aware of all the facets to body size that are not in your control? Or are you beating yourself up for the number that stares back at you? If something tells you daily that you are a failure its a relationship that needs to end.
- Do you give up on exercise routines that don't deliver at the scale? Instead of finding exercise that you enjoy and will do for fun?
-How often do you say - I did it (fill in the blank... triathlon, marathon, diet, etc.) but then say " but the weight came back!" - Basically taking away your feeling of accomplishment because the number didn't stay in the happy zone.
HOW TO STOP:
1. Throw away the scale, or give it to goodwill, but I rather enjoy daydreaming of a modern world without them.
2. Decide now that actual markers of health - mental, social, spiritual, nutritional will be your markers of importance and not your body size or weight.
3. The short time you spent stepping up on that thing instead face yourself mentally or in the mirror and say "Darling you look marvelous"
4. Do not let the school weigh your children. And discuss with your pediatrician options to avoid the scale at well visits. I understand most mothers will find comfort in knowing their child's weight - so that is a personal decision. But I would implore mothers and fathers to not discuss your concerns about your child's body in front of them. They are children and deserve to not give things vastly out of their control time and mental stress. Trust me that if their body size is out of the bell curve either below or above society will point that out enough for them.
5. At the doctors for yourself, cue jaws theme... this may take the most chutzpah of all, here is a sample script when the nice medical assistant walks you to the scale:
"I am sorry I don't weigh, you can write "patient declines" in my chart - if the doctor prescribes medicine that you need my weight for I'll come back out here."
"I am here for a sore throat, my weight doesn't need to be taken its irrelevant"
"I suffer from body image difficulties I'd prefer not to weigh."
or there is always the simple when they gesture to the scale: "no thank you"
If you have an un-supportive doctor then they are not very forward thinking and I'd take my business elsewhere. After I recommended they read Health at Every Size.
Don't let the bully take up anymore space in your bathroom or your life!
also interesting was the three keys to success that the therapist outlined for people that did heal from an eating disorder, she said all three needed to be present:
* They stop weighing themselves. (she emphasized that the prevalence of eating disorders would slow if we never started this trend to begin with.)
* They journal their progress and feelings.
* They seek out another person during stressful times instead of disordered past patterns (calorie restriction, over-exercise, binging, or vomiting)
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