It all came tumbling down.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. ~Ernest Hemingway

I am going to tell my story. And not because my story is beautiful or even all that worthy of telling, but because it is a shattered mess of crumbs at my feet and by telling it maybe bit by bit I can put that story back together.

Like most people of faith, faith in an organized religion anyway I shelved the more difficult aspects of that faith for a long time. In the past two years my shelf broke. I have managed to repair it here and there but as most home improvement projects of the soul, the work was difficult and the seams hard to hide. I am at a point now where the shelf is down and the drywall ripped off the wall and I am left staring at a big mess.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
-Peter Buck

So without anymore hemming and hawwing... I will bare my soul to the world wide web. That could very well turn out to be the worst mistake ever. I have considered that at length, but I'm going on ahead anyway for these reasons:

-I generally live my life very open. I make friends - I lose friends - I make people laugh and I make people mad - but what I rarely ever do is let them wonder what I am thinking.  For both better and worse I speak my mind.  Choosing to do it online is just a by product of our society. In another generation I'd spill my guts on the front porch - but that "front porch" doesn't exist anymore.

-I have opened up to family and a few close friends about these issues personally and there is a lot of pressure on them to have a right answer or any answer at all for me.  Kyle who is the kindest, gentlest, and has the most outrageously brilliant mind I know has absorbed my ponderings at length.  But at some point there is nothing to offer up but silence. By putting it "out" here I can plan on that silence, or might be pleasantly surprised by the response. Either way there is no pressure on any parties involved: me, close friends, distant friends, enemies, passer-bys to "do" anything.

-Maybe there will be some response that helps me. I don't plan on it - but maybe its out here. Blogging does greatly expand that proverbial front porch. Despite all the downsides of the internet I have made some true friends on it that I would never have met with the constraints of geography.

-Can telling one's story even when raw and edgy and difficult be a possible service to others? I know some will think that representing a faith/church/religion with anything but the rosiest of colors is a disservice. But standing where I am now in the tar pits of a faith crisis I would completely disagree. Those who have had the strength to share their own difficulties have bolstered me FAR more than those who cling steadfastly to only the sunny side.  So maybe, just maybe sharing what I have to say will help someone.

I feel like have given ample warning to the days ahead on this blog. Not usual fodder for a mommy blogger. But I've tackled weight issues and penis issues and birth and cervical changes here so no need to remind folks there is nothing typical about me. At this moment in time I plan to keep the comments open (does anyone even comment anymore?)

I don't mind comments that completely disagree with me.
I don't mind if you want to talk about me or this with anyone else.
 If its here I expect every who down in whoville to have at it.

I do ask that you don't cracker me.

What does 'cracker me' mean? Well its a term for those who suffer from severe hyperemesis (morning sickness) like ya'll know I go through. When a woman in the most severe forms of sickness is told to eat crackers first thing in the morning.   A simple remedy for simple morning sickness when what this mom is actually going through is life and fetus threatening and if it was as simple as that to treat she sure as heck would have already tried it!

Meaning - this is a faith crisis the likes I have never been through. Any of the following suggestions are nothing but insulting to me at this point:

Have you prayed about this?
Have you read your scriptures?
Have you gone to the temple?
Have you talked to someone?
Have you gotten a blessing?
etc...

The answer to all of those questions would be this:

Like never before.

so here goes, maybe I will have born this all out before I birth this new baby.

If you choose to stick around, All my love,
Janie

"Those who are living the principle of honesty know that the Lord does bless them. Theirs is the precious right to hold their heads in the sunlight of truth, unashamed before any man. The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things we do"
Gordon B. Hinckley