Satan, the most confusing part of the plan.

?

There are a few premises to the idea of the adversary that have made me scratch my head....

IF the reason we are here is to receive a body AND...

Be tested. Then there needs to be equilibrium in the force - a side or nature we are fighting against. In the plan of salvation when Lucifer's plan of forced communistic behavior is rejected the war ensues and his followers are cast out and they tempt us to this day. They want our bodies and want to win more souls away from God.

This is the battle between good and evil that we are here to be tested within...


SO if Satan wants to destroy God's plan. And he puts the balance in the testing arena... The BEST thing he could do would be to .....


LEAVE.


Don't show up. Go over to a universe far, far away and take a nap for a LOT of years.  THAT would actually mess God up.

But Satan is motivated enough to play along and be in the minds of 7 billion people ALL the time. (with the help of his motivated minions.  Day in and Day out even at night... tempting us. Hard working fellow.

Then as I heard one teenager put it at the UU meeting one day. If Satan will punish all the bad guys? How does that not make him a good guy?

And, call me callous but I don't even understand the need for a sacrifice. Why exactly could God not just forgive??

What I see now are the merits of comfort when you externalize your own nature.

Praise God for the good and blame Satan for the bad.

Nooooo you didn't just have the urge to punch that person in the face, It was Satan tempting you.

It also answers the awful awful emotions we have when people do TERRIBLE things, like torture babies. We don't want to think that is something a human brain could be capable of, even a damaged one. We find solace in the eternal damnation of the worst of humankind. And reward for the good of others.

These thoughts were in my head when this week, the "historic" broadcast let us know that the LDS church will be equipping missionaries with ipads (some of them) and having some of them spend more time in meetinghouses on the internet sharing the message instead of bothering people door to door. I suspect it is getting difficult to find things for these missionaries to do.

big sigh...

Know what I see now? 70,000 young people who could ROCK THIS WORLD in major humanitarian efforts. Build more wells, deliver more mosquito nets, call up habitat for humanity and say "want about 5000 hard workers full time?" Ask my sister who works at a homeless shelter what could be done with the money about to be spent on ipads.
Call orphanages or schools in impoverished areas and say we will be there tuesday with paint cans and pencils and paper. Start funneling food to the starving right. now. instead of storing it for ourselves?

 Worldwide, there are 50 million deaths annually, and 5 million (10%) of those death are due to childhood malnutrition. And while only 10% of malnourished child die; the remaining 90% suffer lifelong cognitive and physical defects that significantly and severely reduce their earning potential as adults, leading to a cycle in which their reduced future earnings lead to their own children being malnourished as well. We estimate 80,000 active LDS children suffer from chronic malnutrition, and about 900 die from malnutrition every year. A similar number of active LDS children are unable to attend elementary school secondary to lack of funding. from here


We are so caught up in peoples eternal salvation we completely overlook their current suffering.
IF there is a Satan, (no I don't think there is) he is probably beyond happy to see prophets, seers and revelators justify a mall with church funds and see young men and women spend more time inside on the internet. IS religion the haze letting us abandon others?


In defense of the church, I think this is great: http://www.justserve.org/

A more eloquent synopsis here. 

** And no, I don't expect perfection from every organization, we could (and should) all do more, but I don't see many other organizations proclaiming to be the ONE, the TRUE church, with direct revelation through a modern prophet.

by their fruits?

au naturel

My homebirth has been featured at Well Rounded Mama. - the creator of that blog has had a website Plus sized and Pregnant that has been a resource for me for many years - I think since Ella's birth?

Although I did not have the courage until this birth to really fight for what I wanted. I partly have to thank Ricki Lake for that :)

I am so pleased that she has put up my birth - I hope it gives other plus sized moms the courage to fight for the birth experience they want.

And while I am on the subject I wanted to write a post that included all my birth resources so anyone doing their own research could have access to what I think are the best links around.

I found it very interesting that the top three sites that I frequent all turned out to be LDS women. This was purely coincidence. I was reading them all for a while before I even realized they were all LDS. I find this interesting because despite 'us' LDS ladies being pretty competent procreators we are not a natural birthing clan. More often than not I hear about I just want a c-section and meet me in the parking lot with my epidural and when can I get induced stories. I try not to judge harshly because I fell firmly in that camp myself at one point. In fact I would have been ruffled by one of my favorite blogger's heading http://banned-from-baby-showers.blogspot.com/:

I believe women can - and should - birth naturally and breastfeed their babies. - Donna Ryan

but now that I have done so much reading and research I would have to agree with her. I especially love her post: Religious Faith and Choosing Natural Birth - I will post two paragraphs for folks that aren't into links :

To believe that medicine can improve upon the natural process, I believe, is to laugh in the face of our Creator, who designed this process so perfectly. Unless there is medical indication for induction or medication (and these do occasionally occur), we, as Latter-day Saint women, should learn from our other Christian counterparts, about trusting in and having faith in Christ and faith in our bodies.

I have seen the strongest women in the Church and in their faith in Christ, and that is why this baffles me to no end, about the nonchalant attitude about being induced and having epidurals. Sisters! Think about our pioneer heritage! Heavenly Father wants you to have this wonderful experience. It is a gift. You can do it! Don't be afraid.

I wish someone had said these things to me 10 years ago!

I love Mrs. Rixa Freeze who blogs at Stand and Deliver, she is a very intellectual woman who's doctorate degree and intensely researched dissertation focused on Unassisted Childbirth. While I don't support unassisted childbirthing per se. Her blog is a cornacopia of natural birthing information. I like her post - What does giving birth feel like? I also love her post about breastfeeding in sacrament meeting - It was happening in 1871 - why not now? click on that link - there are pictures :)

I also love Birth Faith and I credit her with immense research that she does on her posts. Because of her Magnesium Manifesto I took regular Epsom Salt baths in my recent pregnancy and my blood pressure was never above normal. I tell every woman I meet who talks about high BP during pregnancy - TAKE EPSOM SALT BATHS!!! Epsom salt is Magnesium Sulfate, what they give you in the hospital via IV to lower your blood pressure - Epsom salt does the same thing when gently soaked into your skin while enjoying a nice bath. Birth Faith is now writing here: http://birthfaith.org/

Think you can't birth naturally? - have an underlying condition but still want to? want a VBAC? Trust me - research these blogs, email them with your concerns! These sisters have such a wealth of knowledge I know they could help find answers.

Plus size and scared to enter the crunchy, sometimes judgemental world of natural childbirth - ask me any question, really any question and I'll tell you my story again and again...

Top sites:

http://wellroundedmama.blogspot.com/

http://banned-from-baby-showers.blogspot.com/

http://rixarixa.blogspot.com/

http://birthfaith.org/

http://www.bradleybirth.com/

and of course there is CJane's birth story, which could make anyone like/want a natural birth

And my favorite natural birth story of all - the one birth that affects us all

Further thoughts on that topic.

I think what also sparked my need to get things off my chest was a blogpost over at Joni Martin's blog, she is living different faiths for 30 days to debunk misinformation and explore God from a new perspective - which by the way has absolutely fascinated me! - she even blogged about my fascination here.

The gist of the blog was tenets of Islam and the first line was "No new souls" and I was huh? wha? and then as I read I thought well yes we believe that too - if we were all together in the pre-existence - there are no new souls being created for this earth. So it's exactly the same as what we believe I just never heard it from the "No new Souls" perspective.

I think we talk about as LDS women 'doing hard things' a lot. But being so bold as to add "having more children or adopting children" in the hard things list gets people angry and defensive.

My litmus tests for our reasons for not having more children is could I say those reasons to the face of a soul waiting to come to earth?

I picture a long, long hallway of doors and a spirit hoping for a body and going to door after door much like Joseph and Mary did.

If a spirit comes to us, Kyle and I need to be able to say we can't take you because of X,Y,and Z and be completely comfortable with that decision.

If we have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation and understand that spirits need bodies and understand the goal of the adversary how can we not have the STRONGEST of convictions on this topic?

If Satan has to work hard to get a soul away from the Gospel how much easier is it to just insure they are never born into the Gospel to begin with?

I can't bear the thought of sending away someone who then ends up in horrible circumstances here. What if I say no and a girl ends up born into the Taliban, or a boy ends up a boy soldier in a war torn country?

What if a girl ends up the daughter of a pageant mom and has horrible things done to her for vanity's sake?

I'd feel silly one day finding out someone was supposed to be in our family and I just didn't want to deal with puking, and back pain and feeling like my pelvis was going to split right in two.

I think faith has to precede the miracle on this one. How does permanently closing off the means for God to open your womb possibly limit miracles? When we took the leap of faith after Cora Kyle's career wasn't near recovered from the recession. - By week 10 of the pregnancy with PJ his company had a new position for him at a much better salary. I feel that was a blessing based on our faith.

Before I felt this way I wanted to lean on the two things I hear most on the topic to justify our choice to be "done":

The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health

Every pregnancy jeopardizes life or health. Even with the best provider, diet, and plan, pregnancy and childbirth is dangerous. If I want an excuse not to do it - there are plenty.

and the "its between, you, your husband, and the Lord." aka. Its no one's business how many kids we have.

very true it absolutely is NO ONE's business.

But in that equation (you, spouse, & the Lord)- it shouldn't be overlooked that one of those involved paid the ultimate price for your body and soul and he kindly requests that you offer the same opportunity you have had to other souls.

The Lord hasn't changed this request since Adam and Eve.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.

I also think that we put special emphasis on chastity in youth to protect procreative powers. But we are ok with throwing away those powers when our family size is "just right".

I take no offense with women who are done bearing children who have taken the decision seriously but the flippant attitude of "oh I am done - yuck -- being pregnant sucked - so not doing that again." is dangerous. There are entire books on why pregnancy sucks. I have heard flippant remarks from Relief society teachers about them not having anymore kids for such and such reason and saw many heads nod in agreement - like oh yeah it does suck - I'm done too.

Now I do totally believe that there are most definitely situations where couples should not have children. There are cases of health reasons/ mental health reasons and possibly even financial hardships that should be taken into consideration. When a couple brings a child into the world without stability that is just as dangerous as not bringing them when one can.

I also find it more than a little shocking to be so firmly in the minority in my opinion.

At Time out for Women - one speaker talked about making sure our children were non-conformers. And he mostly meant against the world. But I sat there thinking what about when you are a non-conformer amongst fellow believers?

I am not the only one taking notice of this trend - Four seems the magic number for LDS families these days. Very, very spiritual sisters that I have tremendous respect for have stopped at 4 and are 100% ok with their decision. I'd love to know more about how they arrived at that peace. But that would be prying. So I ramble on here.

It seems that peace of letting God choose your family size has left the Church and has been taken up by sisters of other faiths. My three favorite blogs for inspiration about big families are not LDS. They are women who wholeheartedly have faith in "multiply and replenish the earth" they don't have easy pregnancies either, but they obviously have been blessed to handle the trials and they teach others a long the way, I sit at their sides and learn via the internet but can't help but wish they were sitting with me at church so I wouldn't feel like the only one.

Smockity Frocks

Raising Olives

In a shoe

** you should totally see how 'in a shoe' manages her family in a small three bedroom home - I think it is totally awesome! Their bunk beds are way cool!

Amazing post here that says what I feel -- much better than I could even say:

taken from Women in the Scriptures

"It made my heart ache and I really began to re-examine my testimony of the gospel. If the gospel was true, and there really were hosts of spirits waiting for their turn at mortality, then nothing else in my life would compare with the opportunity to help God clothe those spirits in their immortal tabernacles. Bodies, which because of the atonement, would all become immortal and could one day house Gods and Goddesses. Was there anything greater I could do with my “plans” that that? Yet, if the gospel wasn’t true and giving birth was really just giving existence to the non-existent, as so many in the world believe, then consecrating my fertility to a non-existent deity was the stupidest thing I could ever do.

Did I really have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation? Was God really serious when He said “be fruitful” or was He just giving a suggestion? Did I really believe God when He promised that “children are a heritage from the Lord? (Psalms 127:3)” Did I truly believe?

I felt my spirit yielding but still my mind pushed back against God.

I continued to wrestle.

A few weeks later as I was swimming laps at the gym I was pondering over my choices when a thought hit me so powerfully that I began to cry mid-stroke (yes, such a thing is possible) as the spirit rushed over me.

“It is all based on your willingness,” the still small voice whispered, “Are you willing to be a handmaiden of the Lord?” "

Shall I say goodbye or see ya later gator?

that's contemplative, not angry 

On my favorite nights of the year ( if you are wondering, those are the nights that I can have the windows in our bedroom completely open) I love to lay there and feel the breeze. I also listen to the neighbor's wind chimes. The thing is I am not sure if the sound is soothing or annoying.

I am beginning to wonder the same thing about blogging.

You see I have been blogging since 2005, shortly after the fabulous Ryann started. Back then I had to frequently explain what a blog even was to people.

Now many are blogging and its so awesome, unless you are me and prone to addictive behavior.

It can be a time drain.

Its not you, really its me. 

See it goes down like this:

"I should blog" and or check other blogs, then I should check email. Might as well read the headlines on Fox News, better check bank account balances while I'm here, wow been here a while might as well go check blogs again. Its a vicious cycle. 

So I am going to break the habit for a while. I need a hiatus. 

I have big changes ahead anyway, Going to Richmond next week to clean out and box up Aunt Beth's house. I am bringing back two furry family members who will need some extra attention getting used to the new digs.

AND, 

I also have had this on my mind (sorry if you can't read it)

This was something someone handed out during a RS lesson a while back, I thought it contained a lot of great things all together in one handout. I laminated it and its been on my nightstand since. I look at it from time to time and long for the ability to accomplish many of  the things on it.

If you are taking this post as "holier than thou" then please kick me in the head. 

Its just what I feel tonight

And I thought I'd share it with you tonight because I am not turning on the computer tomorrow.

But I am sure (in terminator voice here) I'll be back.  I just need a little break.

One more thing before I go, to attest that I do, do, do love blogging:

I love my old blogs, I go back to them sometimes and they only bring smiles, wanna know which one is my favorite?? No real reason why, it just comes to mind sometimes, Probably because I'm already painfully aware that my babies won't always be babies. Curious?

Its this one 

Will a man rob God?

Yet ye have robbed me. Malachi 3:8

If I walked confidently through one issue of my religion, tithing was one. You could even say I had a strut about me:

Full confidence in a lay clergy.
Full confidence in our humanitarian efforts.
Full confidence in meetinghouses and Temples built with no debt.

Then some information came to light that tripped me on the curb and I ate the sidewalk. Face first into a pain of consciousness.

Our church built a mall. ....blink, blink..... Our church built a mall?!?

In the heart of Salt Lake City, City Creek Center is the retail centerpiece of one of the nation's largest mixed-use downtown redevelopment projects. This unique shopping environment features a retractable glass roof, a creek that runs through the property, a pedestrian skybridge and more. This world-class fashion and dining destination offers over 90 stores and restaurants including Nordstrom, Macy's, Tiffany & Co., Michael Kors, Coach, and Texas de Brazil Churrascaria, in a casual, pedestrian-friendly environment. From here

Yes you read that right; a mall. A "megamall" actually.

People are dying from lack of food, but we built a shopping mall.

I've seen estimates of 1.5 billion to 5 billion.

ba,ba,ba BILLION.  A billion is a thousand million (lots of zeros)

Why oh why is the Lord's kingdom financing high end shopping malls?

ain't it pretty?

To protect our real estate interests in the Downtown Salt Lake area.

We feel terrific. We've accomplished, we think, what we set out to accomplish.

–H. David Burton, LDS Church presiding bishop

okaaaaaaay...

1.3 billion spent on International Humanitarian Fund since it began in 1985.
1.5 billion on ONE MALL.
does anyone else see a problem here?

I worked very hard on this one for a long time. It rolled around in my brain like a violent pinball machine.
I tried to make allowances like:

Its not technically from 'tithes' - its from investments.
It will protect the area around the Temple and other historical structures of the Church.
Maybe the church is a partial silent investor.
Maybe we will re-coup this money.

maybe, maybe, maybe...

A couple of heated discussion with Kyle over this one.

Then the ribbon cutting:

And that was it - frustration that I could not get past anymore.  This is not acceptable to me. In that picture there on the right is the First Presidency at the ribbon cutting - chanting 123 "let's go shopping"

President Eyring spoke on behalf of the Church at Thursday's ceremony, saying City Creek Center is now open to invite the world to come to downtown Salt Lake City & headquarters of the Church. "Everything that we see around us is evidence of the long-standing commitment of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to Salt Lake City,"  from Church News

wait? That is what we are committed to? Because I thought it was to the stranger, and to the fatherless, and to the widow that they may eat within thy gates and be filled.

As Jana Reiss put it:
Given those facts, spending a billion and a half dollars on a den of luxury consumption is a moral failure. It just is. A more modest, scaled-down plan to revitalize Salt Lake’s once-thriving downtown would have been enough. The rest is vanity, calculated to impress. It is palpably ironic that the mall contains a luxury store called True Religion jeans (opening Summer 2012). Whatever else it may be, this mall is not true religion.
From here

The mall will be closed on Sundays - but alcohol will be served at some restaurants. So that would mean our church is now invested in alcohol sales. Very, very interesting.

I am sure this is not even remotely on many LDS member's radars, and honestly I'd like to return to clueless land most days - but now that I know, I can't get past it.  When you read through all of Malachi and not just that exact verse, you can see that the scripture "Will a man rob God" is not directed at the tithe-payers, but the Priests who were mis-using the tithes given.

Add the mall to my concerns over many other fiancial ventures of the church, Prop 8, our controlling nature over the Boy Scouts of America, banks, insurance companies, ranches, hotels, hunting preserves, sending senior missionaries to "work/serve" on their dime at for-profit businesses, etc.

I am lost as to how to reconcile this.

What saddens me most is that I can't properly defend my Church to myself or to others, because they won't tell me what is going on. Since the 1960's they don't tell us anymore what happens to our tithing.

For the first 128 years of this Church's formal existence, it was an essential part of April conference for the leaders of the Church to report it's financial dealings in full to the general membership. This was usually among the first matters of business during the Saturday morning session. From the time of Joseph Smith on, it was understood that the members who provided the tithes were to be shown how their sacred tithing dollars had been disbursed so they could voice their consent. The leaders understood they had a sacred fiduciary trust and a responsibility to inform the members of a) how much money was collected in tithing, and b) how that money was being spent from one year to the next.
from Here

I think if I just knew - then I could maybe work through this. But what I feel now is that I should no longer just "trust" that the Church as a corporation is doing right by tithing.

There is an online petition right now in regards to this issue that I would urge members to ponder on and consider signing. I think it is of utmost importance: http://bycommonconsent.org/, and it says:

“And all things shall be done by common consent in the church”

DOCTRINE & COVENANTS 26:2

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it is our desire to faithfully fulfill our obligation to our church by at least annually giving our “voice and Common Consent” as to the allocation of the funds that have been and are currently being donated by us to our Church.

We believe as President Hinckley stated that the financial information of our church “belongs to those that made the contribution”.

For most of our history our church provided full disclosure of its funds. Even in times of financial difficulties members could share in the joy of knowing that good works were being accomplished with their collective donations. We have confidence that a full annual financial disclosure will vindicate the virtue and integrity of our church’s financial affairs that are consistent with the principles taught by our Lord. Such open transparency will also dispel all mystery that often leads to unverifiable speculation both without and within our church:  “And He doeth nothing, save it be plain.” (2 Ne. 26:33). We seek complete transparency in all our financial affairs by following the Lord’s counsel that monies placed into His treasury shall “not be used, or taken out of the treasury, only by voice and common consent” (Doctrine and Covenants 104:71).

Therefore, we the undersigned members formally request that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once again publish a full annual financial report that provides sufficient details so that we as members can once again give our “voice and Common Consent” as to the allocation of monies expended by our Church.

If you can't trust me - the feeling is mutual.

Things were spinnin' 'round me

And all my thoughts were cloudy

And I had begun to doubt all the things that were me

Been in so many places, you know I've run so many races

Looked into the empty faces of the people of the night

Somethin' is just not right

'Cause I know that I've gotta get outta here

I'm so alone

-Jim Croce

by Terryl Givens Professor of literature, author, and faithful member:


We have been set up.
The manuals distributed throughout the CES (Church Education System) and the sunday school program are deplorable... they are full of errors and misinformation. I don't think there is a deliberate campaign of disinformation going on...
The best scholarship taking place in the church history department hasn't filtered down to the level of the curriculum. And everyday that it doesn't the church is going to lose more mormons.
The problem is not information, the problem is betrayal. Nobody really leaves the church because there isn't enough information available to answer a question - and that's one thing that I don't think the church has gotten yet.
People leave the church because by the time the question arises it is too late.
If you are 45 and you learn for the very first time that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon using a peep stone you have every right in the world to feel betrayed. Why wasn't I taught the truth in seminary or in sunday school?
I haven't heard a good answer for that, there isn't really an excuse for the church not to be moving faster to revise and update more truthful manuals.

from episode three here

I heard once that faith crises tend to happen in those who "care too much" - That might be a stretch, but I would say that I have gone through intense periods of re-dedication, wanting to read everything I could get my hands on: my scriptures, all CES manuals, books about the scriptures (old and new) and on and on. Many Sunday afternoons with my scriptures on one thigh and another book on the other thigh saying something that always started with "hey Kyle, did you know...."

I also thought of myself as a pretty good missionary - I like to meet folks and talk to folks and share what I feel is awesome about my religion.  Growing up in the south meant defending my religion almost all. the. time.

I have defended my faith, my religion, its history since I was a very little girl.  The time my Aunt refused to offer me anything but iced tea with my lunch while my mom was out shopping. Because "its what everyone else is having and you just need to get over it." 

I defended it again when I went to vacation bible school with my cousins since we'd have 'so much fun' and the ladies in charge caught wind that I was LDS and hammered me with doctrinal questions. 

I defended it ALL through high school especially every time the local baptist church distributed anti-cult materials labeling us as enemy numero uno.

I reached for my scriptures and read straight from them in college whilst defending. I remember one conversation of the pre-existence my roommate sticking fingers in her ears like a kid because just the thought sounded "evil" to her. (still don't get that one)

I defended, I defended, I defended.

Recently, when I found Joni's blog here I was fascinated reading about her journey through other faiths and even daydreamed about doing it myself.  When she got to Mormonism, I went to church with her. We met on her side of town and I was actually pleasantly surprised to see a much more diverse ward than what I had become accustomed to in Texas.

When she finished her time and wrote a synopsis of our faith - I was a little shattered. It by far was not all "glowy".  I became ready to really investigate all the things I had spent my life defending.  And I got the courage to go to sources other than only LDS printed publications and Deseret approved sources.

Which is where two roads diverge in a wood I guess you would say. Some faithful adherents will not be able to understand this, because if you stray from the Church you stray from righteous influences. But I'm not buying that anymore. I'm not an Amway salesman only reading material from Amway.

What I found was hard to swallow.

A lot of what I was defending I didn't have all the information available.

• How did I get to my mid-thirties not knowing Joseph Smith had 30 wives, some that were married to other men, several that were teenagers

• The story of Helen Mar Kimball alone sat like a rock in my stomach (from her journal):

Helen was now fourteen when her father approached her. She wrote: “My father was the first to introduce [plural marriage] to me, which had a similar effect to a sudden shock of a small earthquake…… Without any preliminaries [my Father] asked me if I would believe him if he told me that it was right for married men to take other wives…The first impulse was anger…my sensibilities were painfully touched....

Then father “asked me if I would be sealed to Joseph…[and] left me to reflect upon it for the next twenty-four hours…I was sceptical-one minute believed, then doubted. I thought of the love and tenderness that he felt for his only daughter, and I knew that he would not cast her off, and this was the only convincing proof that I had of its being right. I knew that he loved me too well to teach me anything that was not strictly pure, virtuous and exalting in its tendencies; and no one else could have influenced me at that time or brought me to accept of a doctrine so utterly repugnant and so contrary to all of our former ideas and traditions….. Having a great desire to be connected with the Prophet Joseph, he offered me to him; this I afterwards learned from the Prophet’s own mouth. My father had but one Ewe Lamb, but willingly laid her upon the alter.”

The next morning Joseph visited the Kimball home. “[He explained] the principle of Celestial marrage…After which he said to me, ‘If you will take this step, it will ensure your eternal salvation & exaltation and that of your father’s household & all of your kindred.[‘] This promise was so great that I willingly gave myself to purchase so glorious a reward.  

From Here

• How did I get this far without any knowledge whatsoever of the very serious problems with the accuracy of the Book of Abraham?

• How had I ever, ever, ever in a million years made allowances for the blatant racism regarding the the Priesthood ban against black men?

• There was more than one accounting of the first vision by Joseph... wha... what??? And they were drastically different? what????

• Joseph was not necessarily wrongfully imprisoned at the time of his death - he was  there for very real charges of destroying a printing press... owned by a man about to go forward with his story of Joseph Smith trying to marry his wife?

• Problems with the BOM witnesses...

But you want to know the really crazy thing? I think I could have worked through each and every single issue if the faith I was defending cared as much about me as I did about it.  I don't think anything I've written about is proof that the church is false. There is no organization, religious or not, immune to falsehoods and historical tough spots. But the covering up/whitewashing of our history is incredibly unsettling to me. It feels like betrayal.  
Agency depends on knowledge and accurate information. Instead, the information we have has been sent through the polishing rock tumbler so many times its hard to even know what is truth.  How much is correlation damaging us: read here

When the church does employ the expertise of top-notch historians they end up at odds with those historians. See Daymon Smith, D. Micheal Quinn, The September Six.

I guess the upper leadership leans more with Boyd K. Packer when he says 

"There is a temptation for the writer or teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful."

I'm sorry but I need to be trusted more than that.

This blogger put it perfectly: 

Polygamy wasn’t central in my leaving of the church, but the pattern of lying, avoiding, and covering unattractive doctrine and history was.  I heard the apostles speak and say things I knew were wrong but sounded good and bold.  Things I wanted to be true.  Things I had heard as a 14-year old in the Priesthood session of general conference.  Things I knew many others were accepting as true and factual.  I knew the Apostles weren’t ignorant and lost trust for the church authorities.  What I wanted in a church was honest, bold truth.  I didn’t care if the truth was difficult, I only cared that it was right.  The leaders are accountable for this, but my next words go to everyone: By attempting to fit in with the rest of the world, soften your edges, and make your message more palatable, you have lost any claim you had of being the unique and restored church of God.  Rather than teaching the world you are being taught by it, changing to conform to it, and trying to please it with flowery and well-designed statements aimed at obscuring your connection with unpopular things like polygamy.  In this you appear as a business with a good PR department, not a divine source of untarnished truth. -Jefferson Cloward
found here

This is a fantastic talk about having compassion for those who leave:

Many faithful, devoted, and dedicated members are leaving the church they once loved due to “unintentional consequences of their search for truth”. These were people who were fully committed temple going, tithe-paying members. In 2009 it is estimated that over 83,000 members left the church. Many members, including leaders, are resigning their membership, NOT DUE TO SIN OR WEAKNESS, but due to reading or listening to something which changes their PERCEPTION OF TRUTH.

Can our relationship with those who leave the church withstand these changes in THEIR BELIEF?

Imagine that “Everything that you had thought about yourself, others, and the world was built on a lie! All the time you were growing up you felt different and did not know why. The way you looked at life was based on who you thought you were and on what you believed to be true.” Your world would just crumble around you! You would not know what to trust, let alone who to trust! You would have to re-learn almost everything; the way you interacted with others, your values and more.

What if every major decision you made was based on what you thought was truth? There would be so much fallout your head would be spinning! You would most likely experience ‘rage’, ‘despair’, ‘grief’, ‘sorrow’, ‘anguish’, ‘more anger, mistrust, confusion’, and run through a ‘whole gamut of emotions’. The longer you were members of the Church and the more you genuinely believed it to be true, the more severe the trauma coming out. ...

If you look around this room and see who’s here, then imagine some of us may not be here in a week, or a month, a year or two. I want you to know that whatever happens I will love you. I will have compassion for you. - Steve Bloor

And later this Bishop shared his own resignation letter: here.

this video also summarizes the situation really well - why people leave and how you can help them: screencast below, podcast here

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? Luke 15:4

if there is a god,

 he ain't mormon

I did not go looking to lose my faith. I was pretty happy where I was in my fog of faith when I tripped up on church history issues. In fact I was being a member missionary to Joni when I was appalled at some claims she made on her blog. I decided I'd fact check them myself, surely being raised in the church, being a seminary graduate and years of gospel doctrine I would have heard about this... that lead me to the wives of Joseph Smith, then Joseph's multiple accounts of the first vision, then the witnesses to the book of mormon saying they didn't see it with their real eyes but their "spiritual" eyes. Then further. 

But more telling to me was the response I got from those who I talked to about my "issues".  I noticed a trend. Start with the conclusion, make information fit to that conclusion, depend solely on the subjective, and when really hard pressed say "I don't know" or "you just got to have faith". 

Subjective:  Proceeding from or taking place in a person's mind rather than the external

God is not the god of confusion, God is unchanging...

Well all I could find in my research was a big steamy pile of confusion shrouded in changes. 

Take for instance women. We hear talk a lot in the church about how important prophets were then so they should be now, because why would God want a mouthpiece for his people then for revelation and not now? That wouldn't make any sense.

So then why do women now dismiss polygamy because "well I don't need to worry about it, its not asked of ME now." What? Are we better women now than them, do we deserve better than they did?

Or the reverse -- Why is there a prophetess in the Old Testament? But not today?

How come looking back we know easily when a prophet was just "speaking as a man" but we don't seem to realize that in the moment. 1978 was NOT that long ago. The year I was born a black active LDS family would not be admitted into a temple. 

IF we are the one true church with direct revelation from God... one of those sides of the equation is off. Either the church is not true. Or god is a racist jerkface.

OR Option 3. Its all man-made. Funny how whatever opinion the person/church holds they seem convinced its god's directive as well. 

How about the scriptures? You are a loving parent you communicate with your children and THAT is the end result? Lots of bloodshed, rape, incest, murder, slavery, polygamy...spattered with loving sentiments and contradictions. 

How about the ten commandments? If you knew you would die tomorrow and you could only leave 10 rules about life for your children would FOUR be about how they think/worship YOU? 

It was all a ball of crazy as soon as I allowed myself to NOT look at it subjectively but objectively. 

Objective: Uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices

Then I started to notice that what I was hearing by those trying to help were rationalizations. 

Men rationalizing polygamy involving 14 year olds, women rationalizing their husbands being sealed to other women after they die. Many rationalizing not supporting gay marriage because it went against what "they believed". Many, many rationalizing building a mall while babies died from starvation. 

I don't know really what was the right choice but I stayed active for a long time when it was very hard. I kept going to church for months and months after I truly stopped believing. I was fighting to believe so I might not have even admitted "non-belief" to myself then. But it was there. 

I think that continuing to go has had its pros and cons, Pros in that I became truly solidified in my decisions. Kyle and I got on the same page gradually as inconsistencies became glaring. (That happens when you set aside the prejudice toward belief.) We could introduce questioning to the kids before we stopped going. 

The biggest con was that it started my hulk phase: 

I got angry. I could only see people I love unwilling to see what they are committed to. Finding out the truth about the church is like seeing your best friends husband with another woman. You tell her but she doesn't believe you. Her marriage is worth more than the truth to her. 

I want to shake every member by the shoulders and say. 

ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

ITS JUST NOT.

Yes I know there is so much good... but there is good elsewhere!

Its like a cookie, a really really good cookie, but one chocolate chip is actually dog poop. 

Pascals Wager:

An argument in philosophy: It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or does not exist. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming the infinite gain or loss associated with belief in God or with unbelief, a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God.  (from here)

In short Pascals wager is "what if you are wrong" 

I saw merit in that argument for a long time. If you are a faithful LDS member you will most likely lead a very good life. (that is if you are not gay, or feminist, or, I digress) So why not live as if the church is true and all will be ok either way. 

Rather than leave and it be true...

Well its like this you see,

You give up A LOT to be mormon. 

You are told what congregation to attend.
You don't request which calling you would like you are offered one 

Who to visit to teach and who will visit you.

Meetings and more meetings and meetings about meetings.

Told what to wear and what to eat and what to drink.

Admonished to have families be totally self reliant give 10% of your income, and then some more.
Spend your precious little time for date night at the temple as often as possible. 

Don't ask where that money goes. 

Spend 10,000 on a mission

Support your leaders no. matter. what.
Indexing!

But what if THIS is it. What if this beautifully wonderful fantastic but short life is IT.

Just think about that for a moment. A short life, now take away the time you must sleep. The time you must work. The time you must shower and eat. Take away your childhood and your very old age. What do you have left? 

Not tons of time. In that small slice of pie left do I want to spend it at mormon meetings hearing many of the same things over and over again, many inconsistencies and logical fallacies? Spend all that time talking about helping our fellow man but really just indexing? Indexing a lot. We like the dead, they don't ask as many questions about church history.

So Pascals wager doesn't work for me. 

IF there is a god.

IF that god is logical.

I will be judged for how I acted not what was in my head.

IF they are reasonable I can explain why I rejected what I rejected. Why I kept what I kept.

Even if I professed belief I would be lying.

If when I die, I go back to being elements for life on this earth to continue. If 3020 is the same to me as 1720 was, then I am going use every second of this life while I have it to live. I'll be honest with myself. Share my story. Help others. Enjoy my time, my body, my family. 

I have noticed myself moving through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. Just a little out of order, I've done denial, then bargaining, then depression, Now its anger. But little by little acceptance is taking hold. 

I feel like airing the rest of my frustrations will move me solidly into peace. I am making new friends. We are filling our lives with new endeavors and activities. Its staggering to realize how embedded the church was in our lives. Freeing to know its gone. 

fin.

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence - unknown

He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave. - William Drummond