if there is a god,

 he ain't mormon

I did not go looking to lose my faith. I was pretty happy where I was in my fog of faith when I tripped up on church history issues. In fact I was being a member missionary to Joni when I was appalled at some claims she made on her blog. I decided I'd fact check them myself, surely being raised in the church, being a seminary graduate and years of gospel doctrine I would have heard about this... that lead me to the wives of Joseph Smith, then Joseph's multiple accounts of the first vision, then the witnesses to the book of mormon saying they didn't see it with their real eyes but their "spiritual" eyes. Then further. 

But more telling to me was the response I got from those who I talked to about my "issues".  I noticed a trend. Start with the conclusion, make information fit to that conclusion, depend solely on the subjective, and when really hard pressed say "I don't know" or "you just got to have faith". 

Subjective:  Proceeding from or taking place in a person's mind rather than the external

God is not the god of confusion, God is unchanging...

Well all I could find in my research was a big steamy pile of confusion shrouded in changes. 

Take for instance women. We hear talk a lot in the church about how important prophets were then so they should be now, because why would God want a mouthpiece for his people then for revelation and not now? That wouldn't make any sense.

So then why do women now dismiss polygamy because "well I don't need to worry about it, its not asked of ME now." What? Are we better women now than them, do we deserve better than they did?

Or the reverse -- Why is there a prophetess in the Old Testament? But not today?

How come looking back we know easily when a prophet was just "speaking as a man" but we don't seem to realize that in the moment. 1978 was NOT that long ago. The year I was born a black active LDS family would not be admitted into a temple. 

IF we are the one true church with direct revelation from God... one of those sides of the equation is off. Either the church is not true. Or god is a racist jerkface.

OR Option 3. Its all man-made. Funny how whatever opinion the person/church holds they seem convinced its god's directive as well. 

How about the scriptures? You are a loving parent you communicate with your children and THAT is the end result? Lots of bloodshed, rape, incest, murder, slavery, polygamy...spattered with loving sentiments and contradictions. 

How about the ten commandments? If you knew you would die tomorrow and you could only leave 10 rules about life for your children would FOUR be about how they think/worship YOU? 

It was all a ball of crazy as soon as I allowed myself to NOT look at it subjectively but objectively. 

Objective: Uninfluenced by emotions or personal prejudices

Then I started to notice that what I was hearing by those trying to help were rationalizations. 

Men rationalizing polygamy involving 14 year olds, women rationalizing their husbands being sealed to other women after they die. Many rationalizing not supporting gay marriage because it went against what "they believed". Many, many rationalizing building a mall while babies died from starvation. 

I don't know really what was the right choice but I stayed active for a long time when it was very hard. I kept going to church for months and months after I truly stopped believing. I was fighting to believe so I might not have even admitted "non-belief" to myself then. But it was there. 

I think that continuing to go has had its pros and cons, Pros in that I became truly solidified in my decisions. Kyle and I got on the same page gradually as inconsistencies became glaring. (That happens when you set aside the prejudice toward belief.) We could introduce questioning to the kids before we stopped going. 

The biggest con was that it started my hulk phase: 

I got angry. I could only see people I love unwilling to see what they are committed to. Finding out the truth about the church is like seeing your best friends husband with another woman. You tell her but she doesn't believe you. Her marriage is worth more than the truth to her. 

I want to shake every member by the shoulders and say. 

ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

ITS JUST NOT.

Yes I know there is so much good... but there is good elsewhere!

Its like a cookie, a really really good cookie, but one chocolate chip is actually dog poop. 

Pascals Wager:

An argument in philosophy: It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or does not exist. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming the infinite gain or loss associated with belief in God or with unbelief, a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God.  (from here)

In short Pascals wager is "what if you are wrong" 

I saw merit in that argument for a long time. If you are a faithful LDS member you will most likely lead a very good life. (that is if you are not gay, or feminist, or, I digress) So why not live as if the church is true and all will be ok either way. 

Rather than leave and it be true...

Well its like this you see,

You give up A LOT to be mormon. 

You are told what congregation to attend.
You don't request which calling you would like you are offered one 

Who to visit to teach and who will visit you.

Meetings and more meetings and meetings about meetings.

Told what to wear and what to eat and what to drink.

Admonished to have families be totally self reliant give 10% of your income, and then some more.
Spend your precious little time for date night at the temple as often as possible. 

Don't ask where that money goes. 

Spend 10,000 on a mission

Support your leaders no. matter. what.
Indexing!

But what if THIS is it. What if this beautifully wonderful fantastic but short life is IT.

Just think about that for a moment. A short life, now take away the time you must sleep. The time you must work. The time you must shower and eat. Take away your childhood and your very old age. What do you have left? 

Not tons of time. In that small slice of pie left do I want to spend it at mormon meetings hearing many of the same things over and over again, many inconsistencies and logical fallacies? Spend all that time talking about helping our fellow man but really just indexing? Indexing a lot. We like the dead, they don't ask as many questions about church history.

So Pascals wager doesn't work for me. 

IF there is a god.

IF that god is logical.

I will be judged for how I acted not what was in my head.

IF they are reasonable I can explain why I rejected what I rejected. Why I kept what I kept.

Even if I professed belief I would be lying.

If when I die, I go back to being elements for life on this earth to continue. If 3020 is the same to me as 1720 was, then I am going use every second of this life while I have it to live. I'll be honest with myself. Share my story. Help others. Enjoy my time, my body, my family. 

I have noticed myself moving through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief. Just a little out of order, I've done denial, then bargaining, then depression, Now its anger. But little by little acceptance is taking hold. 

I feel like airing the rest of my frustrations will move me solidly into peace. I am making new friends. We are filling our lives with new endeavors and activities. Its staggering to realize how embedded the church was in our lives. Freeing to know its gone. 

fin.

Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence - unknown

He that will not reason is a bigot; he that cannot reason is a fool; he that dares not reason is a slave. - William Drummond