Satan, the most confusing part of the plan.

?

There are a few premises to the idea of the adversary that have made me scratch my head....

IF the reason we are here is to receive a body AND...

Be tested. Then there needs to be equilibrium in the force - a side or nature we are fighting against. In the plan of salvation when Lucifer's plan of forced communistic behavior is rejected the war ensues and his followers are cast out and they tempt us to this day. They want our bodies and want to win more souls away from God.

This is the battle between good and evil that we are here to be tested within...


SO if Satan wants to destroy God's plan. And he puts the balance in the testing arena... The BEST thing he could do would be to .....


LEAVE.


Don't show up. Go over to a universe far, far away and take a nap for a LOT of years.  THAT would actually mess God up.

But Satan is motivated enough to play along and be in the minds of 7 billion people ALL the time. (with the help of his motivated minions.  Day in and Day out even at night... tempting us. Hard working fellow.

Then as I heard one teenager put it at the UU meeting one day. If Satan will punish all the bad guys? How does that not make him a good guy?

And, call me callous but I don't even understand the need for a sacrifice. Why exactly could God not just forgive??

What I see now are the merits of comfort when you externalize your own nature.

Praise God for the good and blame Satan for the bad.

Nooooo you didn't just have the urge to punch that person in the face, It was Satan tempting you.

It also answers the awful awful emotions we have when people do TERRIBLE things, like torture babies. We don't want to think that is something a human brain could be capable of, even a damaged one. We find solace in the eternal damnation of the worst of humankind. And reward for the good of others.

These thoughts were in my head when this week, the "historic" broadcast let us know that the LDS church will be equipping missionaries with ipads (some of them) and having some of them spend more time in meetinghouses on the internet sharing the message instead of bothering people door to door. I suspect it is getting difficult to find things for these missionaries to do.

big sigh...

Know what I see now? 70,000 young people who could ROCK THIS WORLD in major humanitarian efforts. Build more wells, deliver more mosquito nets, call up habitat for humanity and say "want about 5000 hard workers full time?" Ask my sister who works at a homeless shelter what could be done with the money about to be spent on ipads.
Call orphanages or schools in impoverished areas and say we will be there tuesday with paint cans and pencils and paper. Start funneling food to the starving right. now. instead of storing it for ourselves?

 Worldwide, there are 50 million deaths annually, and 5 million (10%) of those death are due to childhood malnutrition. And while only 10% of malnourished child die; the remaining 90% suffer lifelong cognitive and physical defects that significantly and severely reduce their earning potential as adults, leading to a cycle in which their reduced future earnings lead to their own children being malnourished as well. We estimate 80,000 active LDS children suffer from chronic malnutrition, and about 900 die from malnutrition every year. A similar number of active LDS children are unable to attend elementary school secondary to lack of funding. from here


We are so caught up in peoples eternal salvation we completely overlook their current suffering.
IF there is a Satan, (no I don't think there is) he is probably beyond happy to see prophets, seers and revelators justify a mall with church funds and see young men and women spend more time inside on the internet. IS religion the haze letting us abandon others?


In defense of the church, I think this is great: http://www.justserve.org/

A more eloquent synopsis here. 

** And no, I don't expect perfection from every organization, we could (and should) all do more, but I don't see many other organizations proclaiming to be the ONE, the TRUE church, with direct revelation through a modern prophet.

by their fruits?

Maiya's Eight in 8

Maiya ... EIGHT... WHAT??

Maiya do you want to buy a dress for your portraits? "NO I want baskeball and hip-hop style."

Well ok then: 

Maiya Reed is EIGHT YEARS OLD...

eight years ago this friday, she joined us earthside with Dad, Grandma and Aunt Beth enraptured in my contractions and her appearance finally. We brought her home two days later in our minivan while Ben and Ella argued vehemently about how they would dress her for halloween.

She has been the light of our lives, giving a creative perspective all the rest of us seem to lack.

We love you Maiya. You are as unique as your name.

Maiya, My Summer Solstice baby,

an interview:

Favorite Color: The Rainbow Colors, I don't really have a favorite
What do you want to be when you grow up? An Artist
Favorite food: Skittles
Favorite subject: Recess, Art
What do you think about before you go to sleep? Mrs. Rupert my teacher.
Where do you want to live when you grow up? By the beach or an artist place.
Favorite movie: Timothy Green
Favorite song or singer: Taylor Swift and The Avett Brothers and When my time comes by Dawes
Favorite Drink: EGG NOG!!!

Apostasy and goodbyes.

*** I don't like goodbyes. Oh that is so cliche. Is there a person who likes goodbyes? I can't think of one. I've said goodbye lately to something very big.

So here I am. I'm open about it on facebook (the part of the internet we love to hate). I've been more open to a very select few. And I wrote the most recent personal essay about religion. Now for more specifics:

I have left.
I am no longer Mormon.
Next step is having my name removed, which I will do.
We are going to the UU church, mainly for our children to have a support system.

We identify as agnostic atheist.

For myself, both terms fit, Agnosticism address knowledge.
     Do I KNOW there is a god? No I do not.
           Do I KNOW there is not a god? No I do not.
Agnostic: one who lacks knowledge.

Theism addresses belief.
       I do not have any therefore I am an atheist.
           If I believed there was NO god. I would be an antitheist. I am not that.

Some days I'm apatheist. Just don't overtly care. But other days I'm borderline obsessed with learning more about science, philosophy, basis for morality, and other venues of thought I never before explored while spending time in religion. I have learned SO much and am really loving the journey of exploration at this stage. I could bend your ear about Neil deGrasse Tyson. I have a nerdy crush on him.


So I am an agnostic/atheist post-mormon, soon to be exmormon. whew, wipes forehead... that's a lot of labels. But just one more... If you are wondering about morals, that gives me one more label:

Humanist:

As a philosophy, Humanism contains the following tenets:

• Beliefs need to be tested instead of being accepted solely on faith.
• Reason, evidence, and the scientific method are the best methods of finding solutions to problems and answers to questions.
• Fulfillment, growth, and creativity are emphasized for both the individual and mankind in general.
• A constant search for objective truth, with an understanding that new knowledge and experience constantly alter our perceptions of it, and that scientific ideas should constantly change to better describe the real world.
• An emphasis on making this life the best it can be for everyone, since humanists (especially those who include the word "secular") tend to believe that this life is the only one a person gets.
• A search for a good system of individual, social, and political ethics.
• An ultimate goal of building a better world for ourselves and our descendents by working together.

And since I don't relate to humanism from a religion, that makes me a Secular Humanist.

cue dark scary music...

The people I thought bad things about a few years ago "secular humanists and ungodly atheists"

I am now one of them.

And it is ok.

So there it is, If time ever works out like I'd like (It doesn't) I'll be exploring these thoughts much further. But what I keep thinking about a lot lately is that apostasy doesn't really make for an easy goodbye.

If we had moved out of the ward, or if the ward had split there would have been that appropriate time to say goodbye.

Hugs.

Pats on the back.

"Hope to see you around"

"lets do a playdate"

"Good luck with the new job" 

...

Maybe even a testimony if the time fit to say 'good bye' and 'thank you' to friends. We won't get that opportunity. Friends was the last tiny thread keeping me there. I really even thought I'd want Nola blessed at church. Then I just couldn't and we didn't and there was absolutely no pomp and circumstance to what our last Sunday was. I can't pinpoint the date on a calendar. Maybe that makes goodbye easier. If we had said "THIS WILL BE OUR LAST SUNDAY" There might have been undue sadness.

We just didn't go one Sunday, And didn't go back. The kids already knew there was a lack of belief and we were detoxing what they were taught each Sunday. The lack of belief was handled first. I do feel sad that they didn't get to hug primary teachers and say goodbye. But no matter how I daydream about it I can't see how that would have gone down.

So, Goodbye friends - We are still here, we still try to be good people. I'd still like to hang out and our kids are still good kids. Sorry that there was no easy way to give you a hug and say I'll miss seeing you on Sundays.  

_____________________________

*** this post sat in the unpublished nether-space of the internet for a looooong, loooooong time, me being too stubborn, embarrassed, fearful, worried to hit "Publish" then this post hit the cyberwaves today and gave me courage and chutzpah. It is such a good post I have with permission posted it here - the rest can be found at one of the best blogs I have come across in a long time: Rational Faiths, Three brothers and guest bloggers hammer out some of the idiosyncrasies of Mormonism.

How to guide for dealing with those in a faith crisis: 

1. You must love them.   This may sound like a “no-brainer”, but the majority of people that are in the middle of a faith crisis are afraid of losing friends and family if they discuss with them their doubts and concerns.
2. You must love them.   Didn’t I say that already?  Ya, I did.  You get the idea now.  This cannot be the superficial, smiling in the hallway at church, kind of thing.  It must be a real love.   If you don’t possess that, your friends and family will see right through you.
3. Do not assume that they have been sinning or want to sin and are just looking for excuses to leave the Church. 
4. You must realize that doubt is not a sin.
5. Do not assume that the reason for their doubts is because they’ve stopped reading the scriptures and praying. They most likely have been doing those things for a long time and are still wrestling with doubts.
6. You must realize that there is a good chance they will leave the Church.  That is a tough one, but it is a reality.  
7. Realize that for some, either because of  the need to maintain their own healthy mental well being, or for reasons of integrity, it is better for them to leave the Church. 
8. If your friend or family member leaves the Church, you must honor that decision. 
9. If this is your spouse, do not threaten to leave them.  Family is more important.
10. Understand that most Mormons that leave the Church either become agnostic or atheist.
11. Do not accuse them of reading “anti-Mormon” literature (although this may be true).   People have left the Church after reading a scholarly history, such as Richard Bushman’s Rough Stone Rolling.
12. Understand that if your friend or family member leaves the Church, they will still be morally good people. 
13. They must understand that if they leave the Church, you will still love them and not think less of them. 
14. Do not say something idiotic like, “The Devil has deceived you.”  Your roll is not to call them to repentance or to preach to them.  If you do this, they will probably stop talking to you.
15. Shut up and listen.   Within Mormonism, we often think we have the answers to everything – when we don’t.   Many times our friends and family aren’t looking for answers to questions, they are just looking for someone that will listen to them.
16. You must validate their concerns.   Just because you have not experienced what they are experiencing, doesn’t make their story any less valid.
17. Realize that if they have gotten up the courage to talk to you, that they have spent months, if not years, thinking and worrying.
18. If they do want answers to questions, only answer them if you have a plausible answer.  Don’t make crap up.
19. Understand that your family member or friend has been “trying to make it work” for a long time and has probably been in a lot of pain while trying to work things out.
20. If they do want answers to questions, realize that they have been thinking, reading, and studying about this harder and for a longer period of time than you have.  If you want to help you need to study and read A LOT before you start spilling out crappy answers.
21. If you are reading and studying more in an attempt to help, the reading must be outside the correlated dribble that we get in our Sunday School classes and the “white-washed” dribble Deseret Book produces. 
22. Realize that they are going to be hurt and angry and are going to say things that might offend you.
23. Realize that a crisis won’t be averted through just one or two discussions with you.  Be patient.  It could take months or even years for the person to go through this transition and they probably won’t be the same afterward.  Most either end up with a more mature, nuanced faith, or leave the Church.
24. Be discrete.  They have told you about their doubts and concerns in confidence.   
25.  Realize that all of these suggestions can be difficult to do. Do not take this on unless you are committed to all of the above. 

Fools gold, An analogy of finding the truth.

Camp.
Not church camp but Girls Scout Camp, and not camp with my troop. This was 'look through the catalog and pick the one that interests you' camp. I got to pick a week that would involve a sock hop AND horse back riding. In the heat of the deep south and pine needles, I'd camp away from my family.

It would be a solid week away from home Saturday to Saturday. With teenage counselors who I was SURE knew more about life than anyone else possibly could!

We loaded the hatchback and the whole family went to drop me off, even my Dad home from his grueling work as an airplane mechanic.  As we walked the grounds of the camp I saw something glimmer off the path. It looked like gold.  I moved dirt aside:

OH MY GOSH, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, ohmygosh

My Dad was up farther ahead by now headed to my canvas sided wood floor mega tent assigned randomly.
I gripped the gold in my hand. This was a good sign. It was going to be a good week. I would make friends, have fun, get a nice horse, sleep well, not get bit by bugs, this gold in my hand was a sign! A very, very good sign.

I ran to show off my find, handed it to Dad-
To which my dad said upon inspection of my very cool discovery,

"That is fool's gold.

Its not real gold."

My heart sank.

"Its still cool though, that is a big chunk of it."

_______________________________________________

Folding clothes lost in thought the other day I reflected on that week at camp - mean girls, a horse that went wild, donning the fantastic homemade poodle skirt my Me-Maw had made by hand and the other girls laughed at it; Because it was so "fancy" (it was better than their skirts), the fake tummy aches and time in the camp infirmary...

Would camp have really been better if that had actually been a hunk of real gold?
Do I regret that camp excursion?
What if I had not found out the real nature of that shiny rock till much later?

And I came to the conclusion that I am glad for ALL those experiences. The rough week at camp with the fool's gold sitting on the floor under my cot.

Those experience shaped who I am.

I am grateful for them.

But still, I value truth.

The difficult journey of learning to appreciate elements for what they really are, not just what you want them to be. That week of camp didn't depend on me finding anything along the path.

Pyrite: 
This mineral's metallic luster and pale brass-yellow hue have earned it the nickname fool's gold because of its superficial resemblance to gold.


** This post was really about religion.

We can be mean. When done anonymously it is worse.

This post gave me the little nudge to do what I have been planning to do for months now: 

Write you, my readers an apology and tell you a story. Now which first? story or apology?

I suppose an apology:

I like to write. 

So I write.

Sometimes its funny, most of the time its boring. But all of the time its me, and guess what? I am a human being. I think judgmental things, I say stupid things and then sometimes the stars align and I write stupid judgmental things. And amazingly enough, my thoughts and opinions are constantly changing. Just because I wrote it yesterday does not mean I subscribe to that belief today. 

BUT... I do write from the heart. I appreciate discussion (even argument) if through that we all become more well rounded. I have often felt over my life in groups of women, that we are so much more capable of intellectual discussion than our chit chat over baby sleep habits, husband nit picking and self body shaming makes us out to be.  I have made up for that on my blog, apparently to the detriment of my friends. For that I am sorry.

In order to get over the initial blank screen of a beginning post I write to one person and one person only: ME. The me that was afraid to nurse in public. The me that had early breastfeeding sabotaged by pediatricians. The me that weaned my first born at nine months old because it was a little strange to nurse such an "old" baby and work full time. The me that had FOUR BAD HOSPITAL births because I was afraid of birth without drugs. The me that had TWO AMAZING homebirths without said drugs. The me that used to spank that now tries not to, the me that raved about babywise and now practices attachment parenting. The me that fed rice cereal to a three month old and now lets my seven month old feed herself.  The me that hated her body. 

I am sorry if what I wrote was so inflammatory that it hurt women and specifically other mothers deeply. This job IS HARD. Its about more than afternoon crafts and eating habits. If my bloviating on parenting topics hurt your heart please at least consider my attempts to assure you I am sorry. 

Now if it makes you so mad you want to hurt me, then consider this:

In a nutshell: This blog is my blog. If it bothers you I have a very simple idea- Don't read it! If you want to engage in a discussion about it: comment, email or call me. 

Don't send me an anonymous letter by snail mail.

Now for a little story. January 25th I was laying on my bed breastfeeding my youngest daughter when my oldest daughter came running upstairs crying hysterically, holding a letter in her hand. She thought it was maybe a letter from her teacher or something and had read this letter directed at me full of irk and vitriol.

And she was beside herself in tears, she didn't want me to see it, wanted to protect me from reading the words. It took a long time to calm her down, distract her with other thoughts and activities and get to read myself, and this is what I read:

No return address, no signature. So for over three months now I have had to wonder in every conversation, with every person "did you send me that letter?"  Is it you? Is is her? I am not quite as angry about the letter itself as I am about the anonymous aspect. 

It is cowardly and rude and makes me want to say this

I had to calm my daughters fears that not everyone is this thoughtless. And there is always worth in sharing your thoughts even if it causes something like this letter.

There is no tidy end to this post. I still don't know who it was. I don't think about it much anymore. It was months ago.

I have this fantastic job as a Childbirth educator for Birth Boot Camp now and I get to teach couples about how to have an amazing birth, how to breastfeed, the joys of attachment parenting. I have an outlet for my thoughts. Has the letter inhibited my writing here? Maybe a little, but its ok, blogging, like life waxes and wanes. The letter did help push me into finalizing another BIG decision so for that I am tremendously grateful.

If it was you and want to clear the air....

you know my address.

-janie

Camping with the Unitarians... Picture Pages

Breastfeeding in Church... I was on the radio with WBAP

(this is me breastfeeding in public sans cover... oh the HUMANITY)

So this article was published by Forth Worth, Texas 'The City's Magazine" in the advice section with response by Molly Forthright:

Q: I was in church last Sunday, and a woman in the row ahead of me began breastfeeding halfway through the service. I’m a big proponent of women breastfeeding their babies, but it was very distracting during a time that I wanted to focus on the sermon. What is proper church etiquette regarding distracting behavior during worship?

A: Ick. I know that many think a woman providing nourishment to her baby is a beautiful and natural thing, but putting on a show in the house of the Lord is unacceptable in my book. In fact, I can’t think of a place in public where I would want to ever see that. So for those women out there who bare all at the mall food court or in line at the supermarket, consider waiting until you can be a little more discreet......

I suggest that next Sunday you sit next to this woman. As the sermon begins, you could clip your fingernails while talking to your friend on your cell phone and offer her half of your tuna fish sandwich.   

All from HERE

DFW crunchy mamas have planned a nurse in, not just in protest to the first word "Ick" but because of the fact that instead of just recommending the person look away... Which would have been rather tame advice, she suggested they DO something. In other words harass the breastfeeding mom by sitting next to her the next Sunday with all manner of obnoxious behavior. 

You see it works like this: In the state of Texas if a mom has a right to be there in the first place she has a right to breastfeed there. You have the right to be offended and look away. Courtesy and human decency don't call for you bothering her about it.

Then yesterday I got a call from Kyle saying it was being discussed on talk radio WBAP. So I called and left a message. 

They called back. They wanted me on the show. So this morning I joined in the conversation.

I like how it all has an undercurrent of two things:

Breastfeeding is kind of  "ick"

The Breastfeeding mother should make all sorts of concessions (pumping, bottle feeding her baby, getting her baby on a schedule) so as not to make others uncomfortable. 

And the biggest peeve is the underlying notion that breastfeeding or at least breasts are purely sexual.

Notice the joke the host makes:

"I say this all the time, My mother didn't breastfeed me because she just wanted to be friends" I laughed out of courtesy but my brain said 

WHAT THE !?!?!?!

The flipside is I breastfeed my son because? I ummm..... yeah... I'm not going there. 

Then they asked me where the strangest place I breastfed was... It seemed awfully similar to the truth and dare version of where is the strangest place you've done it question. So I called them out on it.

If we want breastfeeding rates to improve in this country we need to make moms feel totally welcome breastfeeding their babies. If you struggle to breastfeed in public comfortably you will struggle to breastfeed.

We are trailblazers nursing moms we are recapturing a natural human process that almost left our culture completely. So for a while people aren't going  to understand.

Maybe they can just be nicer than Ms. Forthright.

without further ado, moi on the radio

Overall I think Brian and Hal were very kind about the subject and actually listened and it seemed began to see it from the viewpoint of the breastfeeding mother.

PS. Take my Birth Boot Camp class.. we will talk about a healthy breastfeeding relationship and nursing in public

Nurse-in 10 am Friday at 6777 Camp Bowie Blvd Fort Worth, whether you bottle feed, breastfeed or both all are welcome!

The Game-room aka Emerald City is done

Spring Break became a big project - a long time ago I saw this giant Oz poster at the theater and I wanted it, so the next day I called and asked if I could have it. And they said sure "you are on the clipboard" fast forward to the week I was supposed to get it... called and she said the manager ignored the clipboard and promised it to a friend. I was so sad. Then lo and behold it was too big for them to take, if I still wanted it - it was mine. So one week ago we walked into the theater to pick it up. To say its big is an understatement. I am sure Kyle wanted me to give up. It was a full de-build project in the theater lobby, then once home (in two trips) we weren't sure it would fit.
I decided if major reorganization was going to take place I might as well paint. I had bought the paint from the habitat for humanity restore while pregnant back in the summer (little under $30 with coupon for 5 gallons!), then decided the job was above my pregnant energy level.
So we painted. And if you give a mouse a cookie... New paint meant new sofa cover:
Which I couldn't believe but I found an in-the-box cover in the as-is department. It was green. I feared I was going a little overboard in the green department, but hey let's just take this theme and run with it. So here it is: the new gameroom. With kids corner, dress clothes area and Gigantic OZ in the corner ;)