First Day of School

If you could just be mad with me too...

When I started reaching out here and there to people to talk about my 'faith' issues. I noticed a trend. No one would be mad with me. There was this invisible wall, a pedestal, so to say, where "The Church" got put up and they could only try to help me via spin if it didn't make the church look bad.

I didn't really want answers ALL the time. I got to the point where I knew those weren't really possible. I just wanted someone else to be mad too. I needed to know that it wasn't all an ivory tower.

Be mad with me! This is infuriating. I could stay if maybe we weren't stepford wiving this pretending all is great, when it is not. There is value here but we have tarnished it.

When I would say... babies right now are dying from 100% curable diseases and malnutrition. Babies will be born to malnourished mothers, live only knowing hunger and die in childhood only ever having known pain. That will happen now in 2013! And Gods one true church in the 'fullness of times' built a billion dollar mall. That should piss off logical people. I think it would piss off Jesus, When I try to picture myself believing in a savior again he's tearing up shit at City Creek mall angry as hell.

But no one was mad. They talked about asset protection, portfolios, future endeavors of the church, investing, using the profit for more good... It was like I had gone crazy, or I was the last sane one in the room.

"I've been to City Creek. Its nice"

nuclear facepalm.

Thing is, I don't care what businesses do. I care what churches do. We gave tithing to do GOOD. To build houses of the Lord and what not and for humanitarian aid. Every relief fund I had nothing left for I didn't feel so bad. I was giving to an organization who knew how 'to do what is right and let the consequence follow."

When I found out about Joseph Smith having 33 wives. I was flaber.gasted! This can't be, surely people who have never been in the waters of baptism or sat through four years of early morning seminary can't know more about Joseph Smith than me...

Nope oh wait a second. They totally do.

But no one from a blindly faithful perspective could be mad with me. Even when I asked parents to their face "would you be ok with your fourteen year old marrying the prophet even if she didn't want to?"

Except for one exception I can think of - I got either blank stares, redirection or a reluctant yes.

Two roads diverged in a wood.... And I'm taking whichever one you are not taking.

I began to see 'faith' for what it really was: the ability to abandon reason and even good moral sense to preserve what you want to believe.

No one if they weren't conditioned to think otherwise could read a report (names removed) of what Joseph Smith did and be ok with it.

Would the body of the church have voted to build a mall?

Or how about the scriptures? Rape, incest, genocide, slavery. Most bad things in the bible were done by God.

Then there is my new frustration. Sandy Hook happened because we took "God out of school"

oh my stars above.

God is so vindictive that if he doesn't get praise all the time in all locations he totally stays his hand in the face of unadulterated violence?  If I did what god did, I knew a man was walking toward a school with guns and ammo and intent to kill and did NOTHING. What would society think of me? I think those would be criminal charges am I right?

God's way is - "I know that child will be raped. I will wait until that is over then one day, one day I will punish that perpetrator."

That is how it goes. God can never ever ever ever lose with the faithful. Good things were because of god. Bad things were because:

God is not bad, people are.
He is protecting free will.
He can't show himself that would destroy faith.
It was a trial for you.
Unanswered prayers are blessings too.
His ways are not our ways
He works in mysterious ways

So we look for the tender mercies and table all the times we are ignored. We pray for cell destruction and re-growth for the ones we love with cancer. But we know better than to pray for the amputee to re-grow a limb. We know that doesn't happen. I mean, we aren't silly.

Things came to a head one day for me. You can mess with me god but don't mess with my kids. One of mine was feeling particularly vulnerable and rejected. I won't share much of the details beyond that but to aid this situation we needed a little intervention. I prayed.

I prayed hard, hard, hard.

We need to get out of this, their tender feelings are on the line lord. Anything. Let the power go out in the building. Anything we just need to go and save face simultaneously.

Nothing happened.

The disappointment was faced and we left when we were supposed to, both of us silently cried the way home.

I got past it that night when I realized. I was only talking to myself.

And it was totally liberating. Sad yes. But there was immense peace to realizing I wasn't being ignored. I was not unworthy. There were no more mental gymnastics to do trying to understand why it was a "miracle" that an acquaintance found her nordstroms gift card but god's will that babies are starving and being shot.

This life was mine. No one was judging me from the sky or Kolob. I had one life to live and I wasn't wasting it anymore begging for help that may not come.

"for with god all things are possible" except - well, world hunger and jamming the guns of school shooters.

San Antonio

We joined Tony's great family for a family reunion on the beautiful San Antonio Riverwalk. And wrangled six kids in a hotel. 

 Good food. 

 nice views

 snuggles

Riverwalk Tour

The kiddos

Snapple truck on the way to the Alamo

the Alama was insanely crowded so we played with this overly domesticated squirell

Banquet night 

 Late night walk (double date) with Meg and Justin

Side trip to Kerrville: 

AND this was so COOL! An awesome Micheal Jackson impersonator. Even though I was not a big MJ fan, this was awesome: 

Kyle's famous oatmeal cookies.

3/4 c. softened butter
1/2 c. white sugar
3/4 c. packed brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 1/4 c. all purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 tsp. salt
2 3/4 c. rolled oats
1 c. raisins (optional)
12 ozs. Chocolate chips

(If you are doing raisins soak in very hot water & drain before adding) The best combo is dark choc chips and golden raisins.

Cream together butter, sugar, brown sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Mix flour, baking soda, cinnamon, & salt together in separate bowl. Gradually add dry ingredients to wet. Stir in oats, raisins and choc. chips.

Drop by teasponfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 325 7-9 minutes makes them perfectly soft. Remove as soon as they start to brown on edges. Immediately transfer to cooling rack. (they burn quickly)

Faith is like a little seed.

Yeah, yeah... you are tired of the religious posts. Sorry but rule numero uno, write for yourself and only for yourself. Start writing for anyone else (besides a lover) and your voice is gone. If this offends your general senses especially ones that depend on faith, turn back now. No really its the internet - there is a button around here somewhere that will take you to LDS general conference memes.

I am going to sum up a podcast that I listened to about the psychology of religion. It can be found here.  Fair warning, its long. Two studies popped out to me that have stayed banging around in my brain. I will butcher them now. (I could re-listen and find said studies and read the abstracts) But 'ain't nobody got time for that'

Line experiment:

Graph at the front of the room with lines at varying heights. Line C is by far the tallest line. Without remarkable eye sight difficulties it would be difficult to not see that line C is the tallest. When alone in the room as near to 100% as you can get will say line C is the tallest. One subject in a room with 4 or 5 other people who they think are also other subjects (but they are actually moles - just researchers in street clothes). With the moles present the subject is last to be asked:

"Which line is the tallest"

Before them each of the other individuals will answer first and they will all say "Line A is tallest"

Line A

Line A

Line A

Line A

When this happens the rate at which the actual tallest line is identified drops to ... I don't remember now, in the 30ish%. Its just so hard after hearing four or five other people say Line A for you to say Line C. Even though you know line C is tallest.

Now when just ONE mole changes their answer:

Line A

Line C

Line A

Line A

The rates that the subject will say the correct line jump WAY back up.

Pretend you like it experiment:

"Say you like it till you do."

Subjects are brought in and asked to do a mind numbing pointless task, move these pegs from these holes to these holes, then back for THIRTY STRAIGHT MINUTES.  Till you want to poke your eyes out with the pegs. That mind numbing.

Participants are asked to rate their satisfaction with the task, as expected rates of satisfaction were not high.

Now same task, same amount of time, same mind numb. Except this time before rating their satisfaction they are ask to do a solid for the researcher. He has to go to the bathroom, can the subject head out to the waiting room and explain the importance of participating in this study. Just tell the person that its of value to the academic community blah, blah and that it was a rather enjoyable experience. They do head out and to the next participant SAY that they actually rather kind of enjoyed doing an absolutely mundane task for thirty minutes of their life.

THEN they are asked about rate of satisfaction with the task that they did. The group that gave the pitch had significantly higher rates of satisfaction. Just because they said they liked it, they ended up kind of liking it.

Now apply the commentary of these two social experiments to lets say a testimony meeting:

You might have "doubts" in your mind or as I have come to realize, logic and reason nagging at you. But you hear one after the other, Line A, Line A, Line A, Line A, from the oldest to the tiniest members coached with whispered breath say Line A Line A Line A.... and you begin push down in your mind the voice saying nuh-uh. Its C.

Then you are told to say it till you mean it, sell the pitch.

A testimony is to be found in the bearing of it. Somewhere in your quest for spiritual knowledge, there is that 'leap of faith,' as the philosophers call it. - Richard Wirthlin

Another way to seek a testimony seems astonishing when compared with the methods of obtaining other knowledge. We gain or strengthen a testimony by bearing it. Someone even suggested that some testimonies are better gained on the feet bearing them than on the knees praying for them. - Dallin Oaks

So month after month, Sunday after Sunday, meeting after meeting, You listen to the echo chamber of belief and if you still don't have your own, say it anyway. 

Line A

Line A

Line A

I know this church is true.

I know this church is true.

I know this church is true. 

I know this church is true.