Needy?

OH boy have I been so needy as of late... for all the obvious reasons. But, I am starting to feel better and that seems to be a whole nother mess.

Its a mess because my morning sickness seems to "click" on but doesn't "click" off. I slllowwwwwllllyyyyyyyyyyyyy start to feel better. Right now I am at the point of losing my mind because there I so many things I feel like I 'need' to do but I still don't quite feel well enough to do any of them.

I need to clean this house. Everyone has helped so much around here, but I need to overhaul everything. Maiya and Cora still have almost free reign and that means mess everywhere. Right now the dining room chairs are built into the fourth fort of the past two weeks, art projects mean broken crayons and little pieces of paper everywhere. Cora decided to play Mardi Gras with the clothes in her dresser, so there are 2T clothes decorating every surface in my bedroom. There is still popcorn all over the gameroom from movie night three weeks ago. I could go on and on....

I just don't have the energy to do it yet.

I need to start cooking dinner - but I did make it last night and raw ingredients are still a big gross fest.

I need to charge my camera and pick it back up one of these days. As my mom reminds me she'd like to see a somewhat recent picture of her grandkids.

I need to start exercising. But I guess cleaning the house would be a better place to start.

I need to start combing my hair and putting on makeup again. Those two things usually help me feel better - but first I need ALL new makeup- remember that part of Maiya and Cora having too much freedom. Somehow all my eye makeup is powder and all my lipstick and mascara are mixed.

how bout you guys??? Need something?

need a good laugh? - check this out: Kids scare the crap out of sleeping uncle

(I just hope he's not a returned vet, that could trigger some major PTSD)

need a good cry? - check this out : Nella Cordelia's Birth Story

(A mother comes to terms with her beautiful new daughter's Down Syndrome diagnosis)

need a good scare? - check this out: IOUSA

(The staggering state of debt this country is in. It prompted a conversation that lasted well into the night between me and Kyle)

more random thoughts

first off....

• Happy Birthday NANA!!!
• Nana got a job, which she is grateful for I'm sure, first for the obvious reasons, and because she won't have take care of me so much :)
• I am doing a little bit better, but a "little bit"in the sense that I am ok with living at this point but am still sick all the time.
• It feels like I am on ship, slightly dizzy, very nauseous, never get real sleep because I am just uncomfortable enough to be awake, therefore I try to make up for lost sleep by wanting to 'try' and get more all day.
• There is an aspect of agoraphobia in my morning sickness. Under no circumstances do I want to leave my house. I have fears of barfing in embarrassing places, worry about running to the bathroom, odd smells others may have, food smells, exhaustion, etc. Normally I'd be bat crazy with cabin fever, but no, not now.
• Yes though this pregnancy is better than usual, I have not had unrelenting vomiting, and therefore have not gotten dehydrated, and have not had to go to the hospital - HOORAY!
• I have been very nervous the past week about some questionable bloodwork my mom got from the doctor - she FINALLY got to see the oncologist and everything is going to be ok - once again HOORAY
• I am watching too much TV - not really because I like TV, but it distracts from the nausea.
• There are very few things I like on TV, but you can tell how much I watch lately from my current list: almost anything TLC, Pawn Stars, American Pickers, Intervention, Hoarders, Family Feud, Cash Cab, America's funniest home movies, and Who wants to be a millionaire, and what can I say from all that programming? - We are a country pretty much full of IDIOTS.
• Kyle continues to be absolutely amazing. As well as the kids, Benjamin and Ella are very forgiving of all I cannot do. I am determined to take them to see either Wimpy Kid or How to train a Dragon in the theater this month. Lord help me.
• Diary of a Wimpy kid is to fourth grade boys what Junie B is to first grade girls.
• Maiya and Cora are my little angels. I do not think any other children their age could behave so well. They entertain each other. Partially clean up. Cora takes LONG naps, and Maiya is dealing well with being homebound. I promise to make it up to her SOON, as she says "mommy remember when we used to go to the park?"
• I have been researching childbirth a lot. Its seems to make this part bearable to remind myself there is a purpose. Have you seen Business of Being Born? AMAZING. Every woman who is pregnant or considering being pregnant should see this movie. It confirms what I have felt all along. Pitocin is the most abused drug in medicine. It leads to the cycle far too many go through: painful pitocin contractions, early epidural because of the pain, which combined together cause stress on the baby, then they whisk you away for a C-section. It is so sad that 30% of women in America are getting c-sections. After having one threatened with Cora, I am on high alert, and will do things much differently this time.

BEWARE - there are breasts and birth in this clip

The New and Improved.......

Maiya:)

Aunt Meg here: I came to visit the family and get a root canal. While here Maiya and I decided to cut our hair! This is her first ever haircut! And she ROCKS it!

So here is the new her:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

I won't bore you with details.

I made it to March.

I made it to March.

I made it to March.

now if I can just make it to April.

Happy Valentine's Day

I have been particularly pukey lately.

Today in a most dizzy moment, Kyle helped me finish washing my hair.

It was the best Valentine's moment.

I love that man.

Then my mom sent me this:

I love a movie montage almost more than movies, period. enjoy.

Watch more Moviefone videos on AOL Video

All I can do at this point...

is commence with random thoughts:

I am so over the Gosselins - I don't care one bit what happens to them or their wasted, ill gained money. I do hope the best for the kids.

Little bit glued to this story. Wondering if they will risk another pregnancy or comment to that issue at all. Glad her and the baby are ok.

this is one of the few things I can stomach right now. Bless my midwife's heart she recommended it, said it the broth would hydrate me, it'd be salty enough to make me even want to drink more, but its not so heavy that I may be able to keep it down. Bless her soul she was right.

Ella got a CUTE haircut. Daddy took her to get it and did before and after pictures. Bless his soul too.

I have made it to February!! This Wednesday marks week 9. I still wish I could sleep till April and all would be right with my world.

The REAL State of Union.

the union is pretty damn cool.

because its this chick's birthday today

Happy Birthday Mom.

you

are

the

best.

so annoying...

passwords.

they get out of control. paying bills online should be a breeze and it would be if it weren't for passwords, and security questions, and pick this picture, and no you need to add more letters/numbers to your password.

I can't stand it. Every month one messes me up - because they all ended up just a little bit different.

but don't be dumb enough to use one of these:

The top 10 most common passwords

1. 123456
2. 12345
3. 123456789
4. Password
5. iloveyou
6. princess
7. rockyou *
8. 1234567
9. 12345678
10. abc123

Moon Ring

Thanks to a phone call from Sarah, we went out during FHE to see this

very fascinating.

It was also fun to photograph. Kind of tricky, Kyle ended up in the driveway on his back.

3 sec shutter speed. fstop 2.8 for you photogs. He had to be really, really still but the camera still didn't want to focus in the dark.

so it says this means bad weather is on the way, and if you can count the stars inside the ring that is how many days until the bad weather starts.

Picture pages...

Baptism...

clean and perfect...

Honor roll...

they both made honor roll but he thought it would be dumb to hold up his certificate. Ella humored me.

Sisters...







Family...

Wendy, Aaron, Nana, Daddy, and his offspring...

Moving things with our minds...

random thoughts

Go Saints!!!

you made my stomach hurt even more than usual at the end of that game! I may not be able to stand the tension if I watch the Super Bowl. But no matter what happens I am so glad you guys are going there!

Watched a little ice skating too. Can't wait for the Olympics. I love, love, love boot cover tights on pretty ice skating ladies. I want to wear them so bad. Now granted I don't want to ice skate. I just want cool neat-o tights covering my ice skates!

and last random thought....

when you are riding down the road and have to puke... when you pull over do you?

1. get out of the car and puke

2. lean out of the car and puke

3. puke in the trashcan in your car

just wondering what the protocol is...

blog first, then blog hop.

That's my new rule. Because I have a thought to blog about something, and then someone smarter, cuter and more clever than I blogs about the exact same thing. And it almost makes me change my mind to blog myself.

But I am not today because this is an ode to Kyle and he deserves my lovey dovey musings about him. You are free to not read, but I am going on nonetheless....

Some of you said that your man would not have gone to walmart at 4 am for a pregnancy test (and a flashlight). Well that was just the tip of the iceberg. The first half of a pregnancy to me means one thing and one thing only: nausea. To Kyle it means more work. And Lord bless that mans' soul he does it all and then tells me how wonderful I am at the end of the day.

need some concrete examples of how awesome he is?

Last night at like 8:30 no less I had a bad hankerin for paula deen's goulash and even though he had worked all day and was working his second job tutoring students online, he got up and made me goulash. It was the first thing I had wanted all day. I had two bowls.

This past weekend he changed car oil, and lightbulbs, and brought a mini fridge to our bedroom. Made two trips to walmart to stock said mine fridge with different cravings (yoo-hoo and gatorade). He tells me I must stay hydrated this time around. That is our plan to avoid ER trips.

Every morning when his alarm goes off he hits snooze then cuddles up real close to me and says how much he hates leaving me every morning. Then when I am too sick and want to keep sleeping, he faces getting Ben and Ella ready, books signed, snacks made and them on the bus in time, running back upstairs to shower - then back down to feed Maiya and Cora, then on to find something that I may possibly want to eat and he brings that up to me. And somewhere along the way he changes Cora's diaper too.

Then he leaves for work, doesn't get home til 6:30, just in time for his 7pm job. Somewhere along the way he gets a little sleep, so he can wake up and take care of us all again the next morning.

wove, tru wove, its a blessed arrangement.

imagination

all in the last few days Maiya has told us all about her stepmom, that she used to have before Dad got married. Her name was Sandy Garza.

Then sometimes her stepmom is named Landy, and she was really pretty and around "when I was a little kid" but 'I had no daddy'.

Then tonight she was scaring herself with pictures of a goatman and a chupacabra from this book, she'd flip to the page and scream, shut the book and then open it again, flip to the page, scream, shut the book ........

We looked together online at things about chupacabras to dispel the reality in her mind. That's when she started to tell me about:

"this reminds me of when I was a little kid and I lived in the forest all by myself....

and I had a big fridge.....

and sometimes I'd cook myself bacon....."

I couldn't hear the rest I was laughing too hard.

We have children with faith.

Elder Oaks

We’re in danger today, it seems to me, of our members of the Church looking to worldly priorities in their decisions about childbearing. Instead of making those decisions in faith on the Lord’s promises and in reliance upon what we know of the great plan of happiness and the purpose of life, they look to other sources—television or prominent ideological gurus in the world today or even the pressure of their neighbors—to make decisions that are fundamental and eternal and need to be made prayerfully before the Lord.

Sister Beck

I think it is an issue of faith. We know of many places around the world where there are housing shortages. How do you find even a place to live as a new married couple, let alone bear children, when you can’t find a place to live? I think that this is a matter of faith. We don’t have children because we have money, because we have means. We have children with faith.

That feeling and attitude of seeking for the Lord’s blessings under the plan, I believe, will create miracles in the lives of people. If you’re in a place where there’s a housing shortage, the way will be opened up. Just as paying tithing is a matter of faith, so is having children a matter of faith. You don’t pay tithing with money; you don’t have children with money.

Sister Lant

You talked about being willing to do the work that it takes. Having children is a lot of work. And we have to not be afraid of that, because it’s that very element of working hard and being willing to do whatever it takes that makes us who we are. It’s the sacrifice that makes us who we are. I want to bear my testimony of the joy that comes from having families, from having children, because there’s not only the commandment from the Lord to do it, but there are great promised blessings.

want to read more from the roundtable discussion on families in the Worldwide Leadership Training of 2008? go here

Ezra Taft Benson - To the Mothers in Zion:

Do not curtail the number of your children for personal or selfish reasons. Material possessions, social convenience, and so-called professional advantages are nothing compared to a righteous posterity. In the eternal perspective, children--not possessions, not position, not prestige--are our greatest jewels.

Brigham Young emphasized: "There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?--To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can" (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 197).

Yes, blessed is the husband and wife who have a family of children. The deepest joys and blessings in life are associated with family, parenthood, and sacrifice. To have those sweet spirits come into the home is worth practically any sacrifice.

want to read more from President Benson's famous talk? go here

soooooooooooooo....

first off, we needed the flashlight because I was worried about the fish freezing to death at the house Alice had been renting and I wanted Kyle to check on them since the power had been turned off to the house. But the night before when I planned to send him there, I couldn't find the flashlight. Dreams of busting fish tanks in the cold and freezing fish is what had woke me up that night :)

But the bigger question that I am getting all the time is, ...... WAS THIS BABY PLANNED?

And simply put I am not sure how to answer. As you know gestation with Cora was no walk in the park. And that fact shadowed her first few days of life. Silly I know to be consumed with nursing a newborn and constantly having thoughts about future children. But I couldn't help it. Every little thing made my mind question..

Will this be the last tiny baby I nurse?

Will this be the last umbilical cord that I help finally come off?

Will this be that last time I wake at 2 am for some one to eat for the 10th time in one day?

Do I pass on the 0-3 month clothes or hoard them?

And having the fresh perspective of NOT being pregnant I did what nature prepares us for; I began to question if it was really that bad after all. The endorphins of childbirth are tremendous and within hours of her birth I was SURE I could not live without welcoming another baby into this world. Call me crazy. Go ahead.

With time Cora was not a newborn and my obsession with "to have another or not have another" was not quite as frantic. So I approached the topic more in prayer, at the temple, in late night discussions with Kyle and in conversations with women in whom I deeply valued their opinion on the matter. One woman told me to re-read Pres. Benson's talk 'to the mothers in Zion'. And I did.

And I felt calm whisperings in the temple.

And Kyle said things to pull at my heartstrings like "Cora is getting so big - she's not really a baby anymore... we need a baby wink wink..."

And I thought about morning sickness and panicked. unbridled panic

Then I'd look at all of my children and say to myself I'd be sick for 40 weeks all over again for any of them.

I looked objectively at my pregnancies. And I realized that although I am very, very sick for 20 weeks, I do have healthy pregnancies and easy deliveries. This is something my body can do even if my mind has to come to grips with it.

Then I remembered that despite getting pregnant easily in the past (namely Benjamin, Ella, and Maiya) It took me more than twice as long with Cora - approaching almost two years. And I thought I am only getting older. So I better get out of nature's way if this is to happen eventually.

So we made the monumental decision to do nothing. no birth control.

Up until a month ago, I was still nursing Cora on really lazy sleeping mornings. And figured that coupled with my age would slow the arrival of this hoped for and still somewhat feared blessing.

Cue insomnia and flashlight needs. Eventually happened much more rapidly than expected.

so to the planned or unplanned question I say both.

Now for the plan:

I dread most of all my potential dependence on others.

I feel good now but I know I won't soon. But no matter how bad it gets I fully intend to not lean so heavily on others this time around.

I have cooked and stocked my freezer with many complete meals for my family. We have minimized the amount of toys in the gameroom to theoretically minimize the mess. I have pared down the amount of clothes in dressers and am coaching Maiya to wear only one outfit a day (oh the horror). I am coaching all the kids to re-wear pajamas and re-use towels. Something they all think they are above (funny thing is they get it from me. I hate reusing towels)

So to all my dear supportive friends. I really do love you!!

But trust my bold self that I will call on you if needed. But don't spring a visit on me in my barfy stage. I'll be gross and embarrassed :)

was that rude?

I hope not.

cue Gloria Gaynor and my pregnancy theme song:

Giveaway!!

Practically Perfect Giveaway:

check it out here

coming soon.....

my thoughts on baby number five and answers to your burning questions.

Well hello clearblue...we meet again.

here is a little story for you.

one morning (if 3:30 am counts as morning) I woke up with sudden onset insomnia for the fourth night in a row.

insomnia makes you think funny thoughts.

thoughts like 'what if I'm pregnant'

Then you start counting... and you realize that day four of insomnia coincides with day four of no period.

so in the wee hours of the morning you dig under the sink for the old dollar store pregnancy test. do the deed, squint for what feels like eternity at a dark line and a shadowy second line.

an almost non-existent line.

non existent line, but line nonetheless.

but that's not good enough.

so you wake up your husband and send him to walmart at 4 am. As he walks out you remind him to get a flashlight because you can't seem to find one around the house.

Then he returns and as you wait for the fancy clearblue easy to flash pregnant or not pregnant, you laugh at your husband who says he felt stupid buying a pack of pregnancy tests and a flashlight at 4 am.

He says the cashier probably thought he'd just try to 'look up there' with the flashlight if the test didn't work.

I said no he thinks you knocked up your mistress and you guys have to sneak into the woods to have her pee on a stick there and you'll need a flashlight.

then the flashing hourglass finally stops blinking.

and it says.....

BWAH HA HA HA....

just kidding ...

it said

Pregnant.

We got away...

I love this man.

We got away for the whole weekend. THE WHOLE WEEKEND. That would be Friday morning to Sunday night.

It was wonderful.

We went to Beaumont to see one of our favorite comedians (Ron White) yeah, we know, if they gave comics ratings he'd be R, but he's funny. Funny is our weakness.

We lounged in the hot tub, slept in, enjoyed being away from the kids, but still talked about them all the time.

Late one night I said I miss the kids and Kyle said quietly "me too"

We found an authentic cajun restaurant, and I was in HEAVEN.

fried oysters, catfish, crawfish, stuffed shrimp, and gumbo (that was to die for!)

That picture is of Kyle enjoying some frog legs.

we passed this guy

can you guess who he is?

and we stopped at the jerky capital of the world.

Here's to doing that again in a couple of years :)

Love you, Babe.

Food Storage? Why you ask?

because of things like this:

Sugar Shortage?

And LDS cannery prices will go up on Jan. 16th - so stock up soon if you can.

peace out.

Texas is better than this I promise Nana

Nana moved here, remember I think I told you. And we really liked her little house one street behind us. Until there was a sign taped to her front door signifying the beginning of foreclosure proceedings on her cute rental home. Turns out taking her deposit and rent and not paying the mortgage with it was a good idea to someone. Nana is not ok with this.

That added to the fact that many people do not seem to be hiring RN's right at this moment. We hope its the holidays, because that sure has been frustrating for her.

So we will usher in the New Year by moving her right back out of the cute little house one street behind us.

And my Mom called today to say she's really not feeling well. Its not cool when the cancer treatment itself causes pain and suffering for years afterwards. Its kind of like the joke "let me cut your finger off and that hangnail won't bother you" but its not really funny.

So for 2010 we'd like

Health for everyone especially my mom

a job for Nana and a home even better than the one she's leaving tomorrow

a more mature nine year old

a less hysterical eight year old

a less whiny four year old

a chubby happy eighteen month old - who can start to talk now

a happy husband

a loving wife.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Thank you so much to all of you who have helped with packing and watching the kids and who will help tomorrow. You are the best.

and I mean it.

Oooh Ahhh...........

My Thanksgiving Turkey was awful. It was as dry as the Sahara. I blamed it on the new oven which heats up better than my old one (btw. I am LOVIN my craigslist oven). But really the problem was that I am not very good at cooking the bird. So I did a BUNCH of research and found a recipe for brining and cooking a turkey. I found one that had over 2000 comments and I couldn't find a single one that was a bad review. It was a recipe by the awesome Alton Brown and you can find it here - check out the videos too. Trust me, follow his directions to the letter and you will not regret it. It was the best turkey. ever. for reals. We enjoyed it immensely on Christmas eve, despite all of us having a cold.

On to Christmas Day...

Santa came.

Cora was fascinated.

One for you, one for me.

A lunchbox? Why did you get me a lunchbox mom? "Because you are going to Kindergarten soon Maiya. "

oh yeah.

Hallmark Wizard of Oz ornaments from Kyle. They are really cool ones this year.

We're getting out of control

Cora's little baby doll from Grandma - (he's anatomically correct - cuz she's crazy like that)

That's my sister being dumb - I couldn't resist putting the picture up here.

Benjamin's hexbug - that thing is way neat-o, and its somewhere around here, we just can't find it at this exact moment. It really moves. Kyle says if it was lost while turned on it may be in California by now. We have two zhu zhu hamsters around here too. Unfortunately those are not lost. (thanks mom)

we have also been moving things with our mind. that will be another post.