If you could just be mad with me too...

When I started reaching out here and there to people to talk about my 'faith' issues. I noticed a trend. No one would be mad with me. There was this invisible wall, a pedestal, so to say, where "The Church" got put up and they could only try to help me via spin if it didn't make the church look bad.

I didn't really want answers ALL the time. I got to the point where I knew those weren't really possible. I just wanted someone else to be mad too. I needed to know that it wasn't all an ivory tower.

Be mad with me! This is infuriating. I could stay if maybe we weren't stepford wiving this pretending all is great, when it is not. There is value here but we have tarnished it.

When I would say... babies right now are dying from 100% curable diseases and malnutrition. Babies will be born to malnourished mothers, live only knowing hunger and die in childhood only ever having known pain. That will happen now in 2013! And Gods one true church in the 'fullness of times' built a billion dollar mall. That should piss off logical people. I think it would piss off Jesus, When I try to picture myself believing in a savior again he's tearing up shit at City Creek mall angry as hell.

But no one was mad. They talked about asset protection, portfolios, future endeavors of the church, investing, using the profit for more good... It was like I had gone crazy, or I was the last sane one in the room.

"I've been to City Creek. Its nice"

nuclear facepalm.

Thing is, I don't care what businesses do. I care what churches do. We gave tithing to do GOOD. To build houses of the Lord and what not and for humanitarian aid. Every relief fund I had nothing left for I didn't feel so bad. I was giving to an organization who knew how 'to do what is right and let the consequence follow."

When I found out about Joseph Smith having 33 wives. I was flaber.gasted! This can't be, surely people who have never been in the waters of baptism or sat through four years of early morning seminary can't know more about Joseph Smith than me...

Nope oh wait a second. They totally do.

But no one from a blindly faithful perspective could be mad with me. Even when I asked parents to their face "would you be ok with your fourteen year old marrying the prophet even if she didn't want to?"

Except for one exception I can think of - I got either blank stares, redirection or a reluctant yes.

Two roads diverged in a wood.... And I'm taking whichever one you are not taking.

I began to see 'faith' for what it really was: the ability to abandon reason and even good moral sense to preserve what you want to believe.

No one if they weren't conditioned to think otherwise could read a report (names removed) of what Joseph Smith did and be ok with it.

Would the body of the church have voted to build a mall?

Or how about the scriptures? Rape, incest, genocide, slavery. Most bad things in the bible were done by God.

Then there is my new frustration. Sandy Hook happened because we took "God out of school"

oh my stars above.

God is so vindictive that if he doesn't get praise all the time in all locations he totally stays his hand in the face of unadulterated violence?  If I did what god did, I knew a man was walking toward a school with guns and ammo and intent to kill and did NOTHING. What would society think of me? I think those would be criminal charges am I right?

God's way is - "I know that child will be raped. I will wait until that is over then one day, one day I will punish that perpetrator."

That is how it goes. God can never ever ever ever lose with the faithful. Good things were because of god. Bad things were because:

God is not bad, people are.
He is protecting free will.
He can't show himself that would destroy faith.
It was a trial for you.
Unanswered prayers are blessings too.
His ways are not our ways
He works in mysterious ways

So we look for the tender mercies and table all the times we are ignored. We pray for cell destruction and re-growth for the ones we love with cancer. But we know better than to pray for the amputee to re-grow a limb. We know that doesn't happen. I mean, we aren't silly.

Things came to a head one day for me. You can mess with me god but don't mess with my kids. One of mine was feeling particularly vulnerable and rejected. I won't share much of the details beyond that but to aid this situation we needed a little intervention. I prayed.

I prayed hard, hard, hard.

We need to get out of this, their tender feelings are on the line lord. Anything. Let the power go out in the building. Anything we just need to go and save face simultaneously.

Nothing happened.

The disappointment was faced and we left when we were supposed to, both of us silently cried the way home.

I got past it that night when I realized. I was only talking to myself.

And it was totally liberating. Sad yes. But there was immense peace to realizing I wasn't being ignored. I was not unworthy. There were no more mental gymnastics to do trying to understand why it was a "miracle" that an acquaintance found her nordstroms gift card but god's will that babies are starving and being shot.

This life was mine. No one was judging me from the sky or Kolob. I had one life to live and I wasn't wasting it anymore begging for help that may not come.

"for with god all things are possible" except - well, world hunger and jamming the guns of school shooters.

“That, my dear, is the sound of a paradigm shifting without a clutch.”

title credit to Karen R. from here

I have a complicated history with this subject and I am still not sure how to describe where I am now... but that has never stopped me from trying, has it?

Marriage Equality.

I was on the wrong side of the issue in regards to Prop 8 in 2008, even though I was not in California, I still blogged my support of "traditional marriage" on this here blog.  And it was a slow process of compassion and stepping out of my paradigm in other areas that helped me realize how narrow minded I was back then.

When I read Health at Every Size (and it changed my entire outlook) I was bulldozed by the vast amount of research that had gone it to it. I was amazed that Linda Bacon had worked against the grain to reveal what the research was saying about "fat" even when it benefited no one's pockets.

I loved her story of confronting one professor when the government task force lowered the threshold for what was considered 'obesity'. She said they got it wrong. Her professor said do your research and see what you would come up with. She DID, and realized that if we are even going to use the flawed BMI that the definition of 'obesity' needs to be raised not lowered.  A small group of government officials all with some connection to the diet industry made millions of Americans 'obese' overnight.

Linda has gone on to show through thorough research (not backed by any diet company) that healthy behaviours NOT weight loss are what matter.  And you know what touched me the most as I have watched her work, seen her be absolutely harassed by peers, ignored by professional organizations, treated as Galileo did when he said the world was round, and lambasted in comments...

she is not fat.

She is not technically part of the group that she is doing so much to help. She admits to having 'thin privilege' and she recognizes that her message would be even tougher for opponents to swallow if she herself was fat.
She has still taken on this issue and is one of the most compassionate individuals to a demographic that she is not a part of.

Then I read her bio and learned she is gay and has a son with her partner.  How come she is so understanding of my life and I was against her lifestyle? It made me think.

How could marriage equality hurt me?

it can't.

Every argument that I have heard against it doesn't hold water:

Fighting gay marriage does not "protect the constitution"
Supporting gay marriage does not condone incest or pedophilia.
It does not threaten your religion or practice thereof.

I agree with Stossel on marriage:

"When did states setting the terms of exchange become an expression of right to contract? The only rights-based approach would be states to stop setting the rules of marriage at all. Sadly we just get a stronger but fairer state."

I wish the state would get out of the marriage business. Marriage should be a private contract. Legal issues that marriage raises --like inheritance, alimony, visitation rights in hospitals -- can be handled through voluntary contracts between consenting adults. from here

I think for those staunchly opposed a few thoughts come to my mind:

- Have you been close to someone in your life who is gay?  Do you realize the struggles they are up against?
-Do you realize that being gay is NOT a choice. BYU professor on Biological Origin of Homosexuality
- In Maslow's Hierarchy of needs Love is third on the list of essentials for life! Asking celibacy of those who are gay or that they have relationships with those they are not attracted to is very damaging to the human psyche.

And I became embarrassed how vehemently my church fights to deny marriage rights to others.

Interesting since we spent the early part of our church history trying to fight the government to practice marriage the way we thought was right.

I think our rhetoric is damaging and unnecessary. If our idea of the plan of salvation hinges on free agency then we need to stop fighting to take agency away from others. I am so saddened by the sheer volume of resources that went into Prop 8 by our church. Phone banks, money, time etc. I know some church members here in Texas donated LARGE sums of money.

And don't even get me started on Boy Scouts.  It is just wrong. If a willing man wants to teach my son valuable life skills I don't care one iota if he is gay.  And kicking out boys themselves from scouting because they identify as gay? so wrong. And sad.

I hope I live to see the hysteria subside. Marriage rights to become equal and hopefully even full open arms from the Church to gay individuals.

I am a trained Occupational Therapist, I was taught to expect a spectrum in ALL areas of human identity and behavior - from reading, walking, gross motor skills, etc. Why was I so judgemental for so long that sexual identity would be any different? I am fat and I'm not sure why. That is very hard for people to grasp - they want to blame my behaviors right off the bat. I don't know why some people are gay. But you know what - its ok. I am ok being fat - they are ok being gay.

"In the latter half of the 20th century these frames were challenged by gay rights and fat rights advocates. Within these movements, the words “gay” and “fat” had similar purposes. They were intended to depathologize what medicine called “homosexuality” and “obesity,” by asserting that different sexual orientations and body sizes were both inevitable and largely unalterable, and that being gay or fat was not a disease.

Over the past few decades, gay rights activists have had great success challenging what 50 years ago was the standard medical view that “homosexuality” constituted a disease. By contrast, fat rights activists still deal with a public health establishment that continues to reflect and replicate profound cultural prejudices when it advocates ineffective cures for an imaginary illness....

The extent to which either one’s sexual orientation or one’s weight are chosen states is minimal. With rare exceptions, people cannot intentionally alter either their sexual orientation or their weight in a long-term way. Given all this, to label same-sex orientation or higher than average body weight as diseases stigmatizes those who are so labeled to no purpose, other than to express disapproval of deviance from social norms to which the stigmatized cannot adhere." -Paul Campos

From a great article here: Anti-obesity the new homophobia

I don't know what this means for eternity. I have stopped being so sure of knowing any of that. But I know two men or two women being happy together doesn't bother me one bit.

Now one man with his 55 wives? that... yeah that kind of stings.

If you are still with me and will go a little further, this blog says it all much better than I could here

How to be a sort of traditional Mormon defending non-traditional marriage

and:

http://www.mormonsformarriageequality.org/

 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 1John 4:7

** This blog post makes mention of my health at every size aka HAES journey ... that started here and I can't very well leave this without once again recommending the book - everyone should read it but especially if you identify with ever having "struggled with your weight" Its on amazon here!

Will a man rob God?

Yet ye have robbed me. Malachi 3:8

If I walked confidently through one issue of my religion, tithing was one. You could even say I had a strut about me:

Full confidence in a lay clergy.
Full confidence in our humanitarian efforts.
Full confidence in meetinghouses and Temples built with no debt.

Then some information came to light that tripped me on the curb and I ate the sidewalk. Face first into a pain of consciousness.

Our church built a mall. ....blink, blink..... Our church built a mall?!?

In the heart of Salt Lake City, City Creek Center is the retail centerpiece of one of the nation's largest mixed-use downtown redevelopment projects. This unique shopping environment features a retractable glass roof, a creek that runs through the property, a pedestrian skybridge and more. This world-class fashion and dining destination offers over 90 stores and restaurants including Nordstrom, Macy's, Tiffany & Co., Michael Kors, Coach, and Texas de Brazil Churrascaria, in a casual, pedestrian-friendly environment. From here

Yes you read that right; a mall. A "megamall" actually.

People are dying from lack of food, but we built a shopping mall.

I've seen estimates of 1.5 billion to 5 billion.

ba,ba,ba BILLION.  A billion is a thousand million (lots of zeros)

Why oh why is the Lord's kingdom financing high end shopping malls?

ain't it pretty?

To protect our real estate interests in the Downtown Salt Lake area.

We feel terrific. We've accomplished, we think, what we set out to accomplish.

–H. David Burton, LDS Church presiding bishop

okaaaaaaay...

1.3 billion spent on International Humanitarian Fund since it began in 1985.
1.5 billion on ONE MALL.
does anyone else see a problem here?

I worked very hard on this one for a long time. It rolled around in my brain like a violent pinball machine.
I tried to make allowances like:

Its not technically from 'tithes' - its from investments.
It will protect the area around the Temple and other historical structures of the Church.
Maybe the church is a partial silent investor.
Maybe we will re-coup this money.

maybe, maybe, maybe...

A couple of heated discussion with Kyle over this one.

Then the ribbon cutting:

And that was it - frustration that I could not get past anymore.  This is not acceptable to me. In that picture there on the right is the First Presidency at the ribbon cutting - chanting 123 "let's go shopping"

President Eyring spoke on behalf of the Church at Thursday's ceremony, saying City Creek Center is now open to invite the world to come to downtown Salt Lake City & headquarters of the Church. "Everything that we see around us is evidence of the long-standing commitment of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to Salt Lake City,"  from Church News

wait? That is what we are committed to? Because I thought it was to the stranger, and to the fatherless, and to the widow that they may eat within thy gates and be filled.

As Jana Reiss put it:
Given those facts, spending a billion and a half dollars on a den of luxury consumption is a moral failure. It just is. A more modest, scaled-down plan to revitalize Salt Lake’s once-thriving downtown would have been enough. The rest is vanity, calculated to impress. It is palpably ironic that the mall contains a luxury store called True Religion jeans (opening Summer 2012). Whatever else it may be, this mall is not true religion.
From here

The mall will be closed on Sundays - but alcohol will be served at some restaurants. So that would mean our church is now invested in alcohol sales. Very, very interesting.

I am sure this is not even remotely on many LDS member's radars, and honestly I'd like to return to clueless land most days - but now that I know, I can't get past it.  When you read through all of Malachi and not just that exact verse, you can see that the scripture "Will a man rob God" is not directed at the tithe-payers, but the Priests who were mis-using the tithes given.

Add the mall to my concerns over many other fiancial ventures of the church, Prop 8, our controlling nature over the Boy Scouts of America, banks, insurance companies, ranches, hotels, hunting preserves, sending senior missionaries to "work/serve" on their dime at for-profit businesses, etc.

I am lost as to how to reconcile this.

What saddens me most is that I can't properly defend my Church to myself or to others, because they won't tell me what is going on. Since the 1960's they don't tell us anymore what happens to our tithing.

For the first 128 years of this Church's formal existence, it was an essential part of April conference for the leaders of the Church to report it's financial dealings in full to the general membership. This was usually among the first matters of business during the Saturday morning session. From the time of Joseph Smith on, it was understood that the members who provided the tithes were to be shown how their sacred tithing dollars had been disbursed so they could voice their consent. The leaders understood they had a sacred fiduciary trust and a responsibility to inform the members of a) how much money was collected in tithing, and b) how that money was being spent from one year to the next.
from Here

I think if I just knew - then I could maybe work through this. But what I feel now is that I should no longer just "trust" that the Church as a corporation is doing right by tithing.

There is an online petition right now in regards to this issue that I would urge members to ponder on and consider signing. I think it is of utmost importance: http://bycommonconsent.org/, and it says:

“And all things shall be done by common consent in the church”

DOCTRINE & COVENANTS 26:2

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it is our desire to faithfully fulfill our obligation to our church by at least annually giving our “voice and Common Consent” as to the allocation of the funds that have been and are currently being donated by us to our Church.

We believe as President Hinckley stated that the financial information of our church “belongs to those that made the contribution”.

For most of our history our church provided full disclosure of its funds. Even in times of financial difficulties members could share in the joy of knowing that good works were being accomplished with their collective donations. We have confidence that a full annual financial disclosure will vindicate the virtue and integrity of our church’s financial affairs that are consistent with the principles taught by our Lord. Such open transparency will also dispel all mystery that often leads to unverifiable speculation both without and within our church:  “And He doeth nothing, save it be plain.” (2 Ne. 26:33). We seek complete transparency in all our financial affairs by following the Lord’s counsel that monies placed into His treasury shall “not be used, or taken out of the treasury, only by voice and common consent” (Doctrine and Covenants 104:71).

Therefore, we the undersigned members formally request that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once again publish a full annual financial report that provides sufficient details so that we as members can once again give our “voice and Common Consent” as to the allocation of monies expended by our Church.

If you can't trust me - the feeling is mutual.

Things were spinnin' 'round me

And all my thoughts were cloudy

And I had begun to doubt all the things that were me

Been in so many places, you know I've run so many races

Looked into the empty faces of the people of the night

Somethin' is just not right

'Cause I know that I've gotta get outta here

I'm so alone

-Jim Croce

by Terryl Givens Professor of literature, author, and faithful member:


We have been set up.
The manuals distributed throughout the CES (Church Education System) and the sunday school program are deplorable... they are full of errors and misinformation. I don't think there is a deliberate campaign of disinformation going on...
The best scholarship taking place in the church history department hasn't filtered down to the level of the curriculum. And everyday that it doesn't the church is going to lose more mormons.
The problem is not information, the problem is betrayal. Nobody really leaves the church because there isn't enough information available to answer a question - and that's one thing that I don't think the church has gotten yet.
People leave the church because by the time the question arises it is too late.
If you are 45 and you learn for the very first time that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon using a peep stone you have every right in the world to feel betrayed. Why wasn't I taught the truth in seminary or in sunday school?
I haven't heard a good answer for that, there isn't really an excuse for the church not to be moving faster to revise and update more truthful manuals.

from episode three here

I heard once that faith crises tend to happen in those who "care too much" - That might be a stretch, but I would say that I have gone through intense periods of re-dedication, wanting to read everything I could get my hands on: my scriptures, all CES manuals, books about the scriptures (old and new) and on and on. Many Sunday afternoons with my scriptures on one thigh and another book on the other thigh saying something that always started with "hey Kyle, did you know...."

I also thought of myself as a pretty good missionary - I like to meet folks and talk to folks and share what I feel is awesome about my religion.  Growing up in the south meant defending my religion almost all. the. time.

I have defended my faith, my religion, its history since I was a very little girl.  The time my Aunt refused to offer me anything but iced tea with my lunch while my mom was out shopping. Because "its what everyone else is having and you just need to get over it." 

I defended it again when I went to vacation bible school with my cousins since we'd have 'so much fun' and the ladies in charge caught wind that I was LDS and hammered me with doctrinal questions. 

I defended it ALL through high school especially every time the local baptist church distributed anti-cult materials labeling us as enemy numero uno.

I reached for my scriptures and read straight from them in college whilst defending. I remember one conversation of the pre-existence my roommate sticking fingers in her ears like a kid because just the thought sounded "evil" to her. (still don't get that one)

I defended, I defended, I defended.

Recently, when I found Joni's blog here I was fascinated reading about her journey through other faiths and even daydreamed about doing it myself.  When she got to Mormonism, I went to church with her. We met on her side of town and I was actually pleasantly surprised to see a much more diverse ward than what I had become accustomed to in Texas.

When she finished her time and wrote a synopsis of our faith - I was a little shattered. It by far was not all "glowy".  I became ready to really investigate all the things I had spent my life defending.  And I got the courage to go to sources other than only LDS printed publications and Deseret approved sources.

Which is where two roads diverge in a wood I guess you would say. Some faithful adherents will not be able to understand this, because if you stray from the Church you stray from righteous influences. But I'm not buying that anymore. I'm not an Amway salesman only reading material from Amway.

What I found was hard to swallow.

A lot of what I was defending I didn't have all the information available.

• How did I get to my mid-thirties not knowing Joseph Smith had 30 wives, some that were married to other men, several that were teenagers

• The story of Helen Mar Kimball alone sat like a rock in my stomach (from her journal):

Helen was now fourteen when her father approached her. She wrote: “My father was the first to introduce [plural marriage] to me, which had a similar effect to a sudden shock of a small earthquake…… Without any preliminaries [my Father] asked me if I would believe him if he told me that it was right for married men to take other wives…The first impulse was anger…my sensibilities were painfully touched....

Then father “asked me if I would be sealed to Joseph…[and] left me to reflect upon it for the next twenty-four hours…I was sceptical-one minute believed, then doubted. I thought of the love and tenderness that he felt for his only daughter, and I knew that he would not cast her off, and this was the only convincing proof that I had of its being right. I knew that he loved me too well to teach me anything that was not strictly pure, virtuous and exalting in its tendencies; and no one else could have influenced me at that time or brought me to accept of a doctrine so utterly repugnant and so contrary to all of our former ideas and traditions….. Having a great desire to be connected with the Prophet Joseph, he offered me to him; this I afterwards learned from the Prophet’s own mouth. My father had but one Ewe Lamb, but willingly laid her upon the alter.”

The next morning Joseph visited the Kimball home. “[He explained] the principle of Celestial marrage…After which he said to me, ‘If you will take this step, it will ensure your eternal salvation & exaltation and that of your father’s household & all of your kindred.[‘] This promise was so great that I willingly gave myself to purchase so glorious a reward.  

From Here

• How did I get this far without any knowledge whatsoever of the very serious problems with the accuracy of the Book of Abraham?

• How had I ever, ever, ever in a million years made allowances for the blatant racism regarding the the Priesthood ban against black men?

• There was more than one accounting of the first vision by Joseph... wha... what??? And they were drastically different? what????

• Joseph was not necessarily wrongfully imprisoned at the time of his death - he was  there for very real charges of destroying a printing press... owned by a man about to go forward with his story of Joseph Smith trying to marry his wife?

• Problems with the BOM witnesses...

But you want to know the really crazy thing? I think I could have worked through each and every single issue if the faith I was defending cared as much about me as I did about it.  I don't think anything I've written about is proof that the church is false. There is no organization, religious or not, immune to falsehoods and historical tough spots. But the covering up/whitewashing of our history is incredibly unsettling to me. It feels like betrayal.  
Agency depends on knowledge and accurate information. Instead, the information we have has been sent through the polishing rock tumbler so many times its hard to even know what is truth.  How much is correlation damaging us: read here

When the church does employ the expertise of top-notch historians they end up at odds with those historians. See Daymon Smith, D. Micheal Quinn, The September Six.

I guess the upper leadership leans more with Boyd K. Packer when he says 

"There is a temptation for the writer or teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful."

I'm sorry but I need to be trusted more than that.

This blogger put it perfectly: 

Polygamy wasn’t central in my leaving of the church, but the pattern of lying, avoiding, and covering unattractive doctrine and history was.  I heard the apostles speak and say things I knew were wrong but sounded good and bold.  Things I wanted to be true.  Things I had heard as a 14-year old in the Priesthood session of general conference.  Things I knew many others were accepting as true and factual.  I knew the Apostles weren’t ignorant and lost trust for the church authorities.  What I wanted in a church was honest, bold truth.  I didn’t care if the truth was difficult, I only cared that it was right.  The leaders are accountable for this, but my next words go to everyone: By attempting to fit in with the rest of the world, soften your edges, and make your message more palatable, you have lost any claim you had of being the unique and restored church of God.  Rather than teaching the world you are being taught by it, changing to conform to it, and trying to please it with flowery and well-designed statements aimed at obscuring your connection with unpopular things like polygamy.  In this you appear as a business with a good PR department, not a divine source of untarnished truth. -Jefferson Cloward
found here

This is a fantastic talk about having compassion for those who leave:

Many faithful, devoted, and dedicated members are leaving the church they once loved due to “unintentional consequences of their search for truth”. These were people who were fully committed temple going, tithe-paying members. In 2009 it is estimated that over 83,000 members left the church. Many members, including leaders, are resigning their membership, NOT DUE TO SIN OR WEAKNESS, but due to reading or listening to something which changes their PERCEPTION OF TRUTH.

Can our relationship with those who leave the church withstand these changes in THEIR BELIEF?

Imagine that “Everything that you had thought about yourself, others, and the world was built on a lie! All the time you were growing up you felt different and did not know why. The way you looked at life was based on who you thought you were and on what you believed to be true.” Your world would just crumble around you! You would not know what to trust, let alone who to trust! You would have to re-learn almost everything; the way you interacted with others, your values and more.

What if every major decision you made was based on what you thought was truth? There would be so much fallout your head would be spinning! You would most likely experience ‘rage’, ‘despair’, ‘grief’, ‘sorrow’, ‘anguish’, ‘more anger, mistrust, confusion’, and run through a ‘whole gamut of emotions’. The longer you were members of the Church and the more you genuinely believed it to be true, the more severe the trauma coming out. ...

If you look around this room and see who’s here, then imagine some of us may not be here in a week, or a month, a year or two. I want you to know that whatever happens I will love you. I will have compassion for you. - Steve Bloor

And later this Bishop shared his own resignation letter: here.

this video also summarizes the situation really well - why people leave and how you can help them: screencast below, podcast here

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? Luke 15:4

Called to Serve? maybe.

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.” ― Mineko Iwasaki


In 2003 my sister had a final interview for submitting her papers for a mission. The air was filled with excitement and joy. It had been a rough few years for us, our mother included - we were still reeling from our father's abandonment and this mission of Meg's was a testament to our survival. It was a bright hope for the future.

She had put away money, swallowed her pride and had family and friends ready to contribute monthly to her mission as well.  She was working on her feet all day at a day care center and riding her bike back and forth to save money. She spent A LOT of money on dental work and doctor's visits in preparation - all without health insurance.

She was ready.

We were excited.

Understatement of the year.

Meg Spring of 2003

Then a phone call came.

Meg was called at work and told she was too overweight to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  She would have to lose a significant amount of weight and re-submit her papers.

She left work early in tears and said she would never go.
Her heart was too hurt. It would take too much time. She had already postponed school and life long enough. She was devastated.

I was so angry. So angry I couldn't see straight.

The words to Army of Helaman played over and over in my head:

"Let each who's worthy go forth and share"

Meg, me, my mom, Kyle each tackled the issue in our own ways.

My testimony of the Priesthood was shattered. Men who were vessels of the Lord would not treat people this way under that mantle.  When the Lord was on the Earth - there were no stipulations of who could and couldn't be disciples for him.

What was this "church" I was so loyal to?  What is the purpose of teaching the merits and blessings of serving a full time mission to children from such a young age if we would turn them down for such absurd reasons?

I was a part of a sizeist organization.  What was the real concern? She wouldn't be able to physically handle the demands? That is a valid concern - but she was very physically active, the doctors said she was in great health.. BUT even if she wasn't - we have people serve with physical disabilities all the time!

Would it be extra healthcare costs? Then make that a plan - She would cover her own healthcare costs.

Or was it the most obvious - we don't want fat people representing our church?

Why was this issue never raised in the YEAR she prepared for this mission? Before she told everyone of her plans and asked for financial assistance.

I wrote letters to her Bishop and Stake President and later a friend in the relief society presidency.  This is part of what I had to say:

"Was this a very good 'missionary moment' when she got the phone call at work and all her co-workers watched her sob? Meg's situation has been handled so poorly - it has insulted Meg, crushed her sweet spirit, disappointed her family, and embarrassed her in front of all those who ask about her mission call. So people that get a mission call get a wonderful letter from the Prophet but fat people get a 'no thank you' phone call at work?... My respect for the Priesthood has been bruised and my non-member family and friends have been dumb-founded by this whole mess. Please use my letter as a catalyst for change. Hopefully this heartache will be avoided by others willing to serve."

I only got one phone call from Meg's Bishop with little more to say than a whispered "I'm sorry". No one else to this day has had any answer of value for me. Everyone else I wrote ignored me.

This was Meg's story to tell, not mine. She worked past it much more valiantly than I have. Call it my weakness but I can't let it go. I have tried.

Oh boy have I tried. I have firmly re-dedicated myself to the Gospel over and over again thinking I could combat the hurt with personal righteousness.  Its more than obvious now that this plan isn't working for me.
I need the right to cling to all the spirituality that I can summon while wholeheartedly rejecting the organization  that has totally lost the way.

I hear time to time of this happening to other young men and women and I can't always stop the tears from coming. This is a real possibility for my own children. We are not small people as you can see. If this is done to one of my children I don't think there is enough room in the world for my rage.

I have no tidy ending to this one. It is a heavy hitter. Its been almost ten years. And I am still just as angry if not angrier than the day it happened.

I am broken. I am sad. And it has made, over time, many, many instances, phrases, songs, talks at church unbearable for me.  I don't forsee there being any words to soothe this.

Time heals all wounds? Is that what they say? I'll just have to see about that.

(Sincerest gratitude to my sister for allowing me to be open about this.)

"Come, follow me," a simple phrase,
Yet truth's sublime, efullgent rays
Are in these simple words combined
To urge, inspire the human mind.

It all came tumbling down.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. ~Ernest Hemingway

I am going to tell my story. And not because my story is beautiful or even all that worthy of telling, but because it is a shattered mess of crumbs at my feet and by telling it maybe bit by bit I can put that story back together.

Like most people of faith, faith in an organized religion anyway I shelved the more difficult aspects of that faith for a long time. In the past two years my shelf broke. I have managed to repair it here and there but as most home improvement projects of the soul, the work was difficult and the seams hard to hide. I am at a point now where the shelf is down and the drywall ripped off the wall and I am left staring at a big mess.

That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep a view
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
-Peter Buck

So without anymore hemming and hawwing... I will bare my soul to the world wide web. That could very well turn out to be the worst mistake ever. I have considered that at length, but I'm going on ahead anyway for these reasons:

-I generally live my life very open. I make friends - I lose friends - I make people laugh and I make people mad - but what I rarely ever do is let them wonder what I am thinking.  For both better and worse I speak my mind.  Choosing to do it online is just a by product of our society. In another generation I'd spill my guts on the front porch - but that "front porch" doesn't exist anymore.

-I have opened up to family and a few close friends about these issues personally and there is a lot of pressure on them to have a right answer or any answer at all for me.  Kyle who is the kindest, gentlest, and has the most outrageously brilliant mind I know has absorbed my ponderings at length.  But at some point there is nothing to offer up but silence. By putting it "out" here I can plan on that silence, or might be pleasantly surprised by the response. Either way there is no pressure on any parties involved: me, close friends, distant friends, enemies, passer-bys to "do" anything.

-Maybe there will be some response that helps me. I don't plan on it - but maybe its out here. Blogging does greatly expand that proverbial front porch. Despite all the downsides of the internet I have made some true friends on it that I would never have met with the constraints of geography.

-Can telling one's story even when raw and edgy and difficult be a possible service to others? I know some will think that representing a faith/church/religion with anything but the rosiest of colors is a disservice. But standing where I am now in the tar pits of a faith crisis I would completely disagree. Those who have had the strength to share their own difficulties have bolstered me FAR more than those who cling steadfastly to only the sunny side.  So maybe, just maybe sharing what I have to say will help someone.

I feel like have given ample warning to the days ahead on this blog. Not usual fodder for a mommy blogger. But I've tackled weight issues and penis issues and birth and cervical changes here so no need to remind folks there is nothing typical about me. At this moment in time I plan to keep the comments open (does anyone even comment anymore?)

I don't mind comments that completely disagree with me.
I don't mind if you want to talk about me or this with anyone else.
 If its here I expect every who down in whoville to have at it.

I do ask that you don't cracker me.

What does 'cracker me' mean? Well its a term for those who suffer from severe hyperemesis (morning sickness) like ya'll know I go through. When a woman in the most severe forms of sickness is told to eat crackers first thing in the morning.   A simple remedy for simple morning sickness when what this mom is actually going through is life and fetus threatening and if it was as simple as that to treat she sure as heck would have already tried it!

Meaning - this is a faith crisis the likes I have never been through. Any of the following suggestions are nothing but insulting to me at this point:

Have you prayed about this?
Have you read your scriptures?
Have you gone to the temple?
Have you talked to someone?
Have you gotten a blessing?
etc...

The answer to all of those questions would be this:

Like never before.

so here goes, maybe I will have born this all out before I birth this new baby.

If you choose to stick around, All my love,
Janie

"Those who are living the principle of honesty know that the Lord does bless them. Theirs is the precious right to hold their heads in the sunlight of truth, unashamed before any man. The Lord requires his people to be honest. May we desire with all our hearts to be honest in all our relationships and in all the things we do"
Gordon B. Hinckley

a few of my favorite things:

from postsecret

For your curls:
Curly Girl the book
High Quality Hair Sticks

For your face:
Oil cleansing method - I've been washing my face with castor oil and olive oil and my acne has dramatically improved!

For your self esteem:
Health at Every Size
Lessons from the Fatosphere, Quit dieting and make a truce with your body.

For your wallet:
You need a budget software
The tightwad gazette
The total Money Makeover

For your birth:
Birth Matters, A midwife's manifesta by Ina May Gaskins
More of the Business of Being Born the four part sequel to the original Business of being born.

For Breastfeeding:
Ina May's guide to breastfeeding


For your body:
Cute clothes for the beautiful fat ladies...
(I am so tired of being jealous of shabby apple dresses.)

Land's End has very high quality Plus size clothes
Igigi has fabulous high end dresses
Torrid has great and sexy clothes
Junonia has WORKOUT clothes!

For your ears:
Adele


For your kitchen:
Great Depression Cooking with Clara
My favorite kitchen gadget of the year : Disposal Genie


For your blog:
I have loved getting my blog printed by year here: Cutest Blog on the Block

Please oh Please Google yourself today Terry Weir.

if only I had a time machine. Oh boy I'd let him have it.


the following story is one from a long line of people who have thought it ok to discuss my size...

So I took a photography class in the VERY LAST MONTH of my pregnancy with Cora. It was a good class until the last night. The teacher was very knowledgeable about photography - what you really need, what is fluff. What matters, what doesn't. He brought lots of stuff and let us try it all. He had spent years and years in the fashion industry on both coasts. He made hotel lobbies look like the beach in a pinch - BEFORE photoshop. He glued the soles of children's shoes to the set to make sure they stayed on their mark.  He confessed to living on cheese pizza for almost a year before he was making enough money to live. Then he bragged about how he went on to make more than 10 people could live on. He had one motto for being a pro photographer. "DO NOT photograph children or animals. They will make you look bad."

Funny since I was there to learn about photography of children.

Then on the last night of class: He stood in front of everyone and said... "One last piece of advice... LOSE THE WEIGHT.  No matter what side of the lens you are on being so fat will not be tolerated in the fashion industry."

As if it wasn't bad enough that I was the only big person in the ENTIRE class. He looked straight at me during his fat lecture.
I was pregnant and emotional so I didn't go off on him like I should have. Like I would now if only I could.

I just walked out (in silent tears.)

So I'll do it here:


SCREW YOU TERRY WIER!!!

1. NEVER, NEVER discuss weight with a pregnant woman. Even if she is roughly the size of Kate Moss. Its none of your business.

2. NEVER, NEVER discuss someone's weight in front of others. Especially 20 others.

3. NEVER, NEVER discuss someone's weight. In case this point is lost on you: IT'S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS.

4.  I NEVER said I had one bit of interest in the "fashion" industry.  Screw you once again for not paying attention the night we said what our photography interests were.

5. If... if I cared for your opinion on my body.... What good do you think saying "lose the weight" will do. Will your stern warning all of sudden make dieting efforts successful? Its not your moral imperative (or anyone's for that matter (hear that Michelle Obama and Jamie Oliver) to save the world from fat.)

Why do some people think they are being helpful by criticizing someone else's body?

Shame doesn't make one healthy.

People who LOVE their bodies take CARE of their bodies.

Even if all fat people are the way they are due to their bad choices, even if every single fat person is unhealthy, that does not justify sub-standard treatment. How can the health of strangers possibly inspire such vitriol? If you remain convinced that others’ bodies are your business and people must justify their existence to you, perhaps you should consider the possibility that you are an arsehole.

Frances Lockie from here

For a better response if this has happened to you, I am going to re-post from Dance with Fat because she hit the proverbial nail on the head:

The Vague Future Health Threat: 
by Ragen Chastain

This happens to me all the time:  I’m in a conversation with someone who thought it was appropriate to make random guesses about my health based only on my size.  I’ve quelled my rage, given them the benefit of the doubt, and asked permission to suggest another point of view – to which they’ve agreed. I’ve explained that there are other beliefs out there, I’ve explained about the science.  I’ve explained  Health at Every Size.  I’ve explained that there are plenty of people with the same food and lifestyle choices who have vastly different body sizes – both healthy and unhealthy.  Now I’m using myself as an example – I’m 5’4, 284 pounds and in perfect health.  (Perfect numbers, great stamina, can press 1,000 pounds with my legs, can do the splits).

Then it happens.  The VFHT:  The Vague Future Health Threat.

It sounds like this “Well, you may be healthy now, but it will catch up to you someday”.  They look triumphant because the VFHT is indefensible.

Now instead of completely quelling my rage and giving them the benefit of the doubt, I’m just fighting the urge to set this person on fire. It’s not just the person I’m talking to -  it’s also that this is the the 10 zillionth time I’ve heard this over the past 13years.  I’m still healthy and I’m starting to wonder if I’ll be 102 years old and still pressured to diet so that it doesn’t “catch up to me”.

I find this to be paternalist, ignorant, unsupported, and annoying for the following reasons:

1. Typically this person has already inaccurately assessed my current health (ie “Nobody can be healthy at your weight”) but now they want me to believe that they can accurately predict my future health.

2.  What is this “it” that will catch up to me?  I am not outrunning my fat – it’s all right here – I am not a thin woman covered in fat, I am a fat woman who is also a very fit athlete. So what’s going to catch up with me:  my perfect blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose and triglycerides?  My working out and eating healthy?  My strength, stamina, and flexibility?

3.  Everyone is going to die. There is a 100% chance.  I just happen to live in a culture where it almost doesn’t matter why I die – someone will blame it on my fat.  That doesn’t make it true.  This “it will catch up to you” claim is just not supported by the available science, and of all the people who’ve VFHT’d me in my life, NOT ONE has accepted my invitation to cite his/her research (including doctors).

4.  What if I changed the rules of the lottery so that if  you lost, you had to pay the lottery money as a penalty?  Now not only is your chance of winning infintesimmaly small,  but there is a near 100% chance that you’ll end up with LESS money than you had after you bought the ticket.  Would you play?  Now imagine that this isn’t your money we’re talking about – it’s your long term health.  There is not a single study that proves that any weight loss method is effective long term, but many studies indicate that weight cycling (yo-yo dieting) is less healthy than being obese.  Since diets have such an abysmal failure rate over statistically significant sample sizes, if I go on just 2 diets where I lose weight and gain it back (and I have a very high chance of doing just that both times), then I’ve likely damaged my current good health and endangered my future health on a roll of the dice that was obviously a losing bet from the beginning.  The person VFHTing me is asking that I do something they can’t prove is possible, for a reason they can’t prove is valid, with a very high percentage that I’ll end up less healthy at the end.  I’ll pass.

So what do you say to the VFHT?

Here are some possible responses broken down by category.  (As always, I never try to change someone else’s behavior. I ask for qualification and/or I set my boundaries and consequences. )

Quick and simple:

• Cite your research.
• I find it inappropriate for you to make guesses about my future health.
• My health is not your business.   (If, at this point, they bring up tax payer dollars or health care costs, I ask them for an itemized list of things for which their local, state, and federal taxes pay, or health problems that people develop for which causation cannot be proven;  broken down into categories of things they are happy to pay for, and things they don’t want to pay for. If they don’t happen to have that list on hand, I let them know that I’ll be happy to discuss it once they do.)

More detailed/scientific

• I don’t know of a single statistically significant, properly controlled scientific study that supports that statement.  So, either cite your research or I’m going to assume that I know more about this than you do and you are just talking without actually knowing what your talking about.  (Or “talking out of your ass”, depending on my mood).
• You have no way to know that.  Cite your research or I will assume that you are putting my health at risk by talking about things for which you have no actual knowledge or qualifications.  That is completely unacceptable to me.

The pointed response (feel free to mix and match questions/responses with boundary statements)

• How dare you make assumptions about my health?  You may not discuss my health with me.
• I find you completely unqualified to make that statement. Please keep your opinions about my health to yourself.
• My health is not your business and you are not allowed to comment on it.
• You will immediately stop making guesses and assumptions about my future health or this conversation is over.

The snarky responses (I don’t actually recommend these because I prefer some kind of productive conversation if possible, but it’s fun to think about)

• I had no idea you could predict the future!   Would you mind giving me tomorrow’s lottery numbers?
• Actually the fat doesn’t have to catch up with me – I keep it right here…unless you saw some back there that I lost?
• I totally forgot that being thin makes me immortal – thank god you told me or I might have died some day.
• I meant to tell you that I’m actually worried about you.  I read on a website that we are about to experience another ice age and without fat stores to keep you alive and warm, you’re absolutely going to freeze to death.  I know it sounds crazy but it was on the internet so you know it must be true and I’m going to tell everyone!

Remember that you get to choose how people treat you.  If you decide that they don’t get to VFHT you, then you just need to put that plan into action, set boundaries and consequences and get after it.

**ps. I talked to 2 MD's yesterday at length about Health at Every Size, They both seemed in total agreement with the concept. One was very sad because she is a Pediatrician and she gets mom after mom asking how to get her kid to lose weight. They both promised to read the book!