Strengthen home and family?

A ranty post with all the feels today.

This is a perfect storm of emotions. The final crack of the whip  is still sounding through the air on the excommunication of Kate Kelly from Ordain Women. I listened to this podcast this morning and while I did not have a visceral reaction to her excommunication other than "how very very stupid of the church to do that" I was overcome with emotion listening to others describe the emotional violent nature of the church to women and questioners.

Then I am entangled in my own career/motherhood/'what the hell am I anymore' angst. I started last fall making personal goals to return to work and Occupational Therapy specifically. That led to continuing education, shadowing hours and crossing my t's and dotting my i's. I was done with national certification and Texas had received everything needed to process my state license. I reached out through networking for job prospects and got a JOB!! I was floored. Things were looking up. They were so excited for me to start I was calling the OT board daily and on Monday of last week a slightly confused but kind gentleman gave me my license number over the phone. I was so excited!! And set to start working.

Two days later someone else called to take my license away.

In Texas you can only procure a license one of two ways by endorsement (meaning you are currently licensed in another state) or by having recently taken the examination. The person who gave me my number over the phone was not supposed to have done that. I am back to square one it seems. I have passed on the job for now. I have also spent several days sulking. Which hasn't made for a fun summer for the kids.

I think its made all these frustrations bubble to the surface that I usually keep tamped down with moderate success. So I need to talk again ...

YES AGAIN about the emotions I've been working through leaving religion behind.

Many people who come in contact with the sticky problems of truth claims in the church decide to stay for reasons besides the traditional testimony reasons. The community, the culture, avoidance of ruined relationships, etc. I get that, I do. But the one I don't get anymore even though for a brief time period I said it myself: "I'm staying for the sake of my children"

I want to sit and chat (sincerely) with every church member staying for their kids.  I'm not bullshitting at all I'd talk to them all if I could.


The church is preparing kids for a world that doesn't exist really. Girls will grow up with no limitations anywhere besides the church for having a vagina instead of a penis. Personal Progress that seems more about preparing them for "home and family" than higher education and upward mobility in the world is not really preparation.

No one with friends and colleagues that are LGBT and can get to know them can continue to respect the church's position. Each time in history where the church meets up to social causes the church has been wrong and takes far too long to come around.

So here I sit.

I LOVE MY KIDS to freaking bits. They are hands down the best thing I got from being a Mormon woman. I was sort of self righteous about my open womb for Jesus on this very blog (I leave that up for humility's sake)
But now I am struggling to return to work. The license department tsk-tsking me that I didn't maintain my license. Saying "I prayed about it and felt I shouldn't" doesn't mean shit to them.
We gave over $70,000 to the church yet we have no retirement and STILL will be paying our own student loans when our children start college.
With six kids, our groceries rival our mortgage and our kids are only going to camp this year because of generous donations from the freethought community. Activities/extracurricular things for six are not really an option. I am floored by what our gas costs will be to go see family in a week - why? BECAUSE WE HAVE TO DRIVE A BUS.

The church prepared me for what I feel like now is a untenable situation that is not conducive to mental well being.

I filled two grocery carts to the brim today, I couldn't be overly concerned with organic or even healthy because it was more like "how can we make this money work for 3 meals a day for 8". Ella daydreamed outloud about being a lawyer and I thought to myself a few years ago I would have made some statement about balancing that with motherhood and today thought SCREW THAT.

instead said "that is an absolutely valid plan Ella." There is nothing stopping you.

I'm not raising my kids under any organization that thinks they know what god wants you to do and that depends on your genitalia.

My path is a bit set for me now, we will figure it out. I'll keep making phone calls and making the decisions that get me to a career of some type. I have skills man, and damn it people like me.
We will have a happy loud home with bologna sandwiches instead of organic smoothies. I'm so grateful that Kyle works so hard for his family. Others have it much harder than us.

We will do great. But my girls won't be doing personal progress that indoctrinates them into what it means to be a "daughter of heavenly father" They will get to make their own goals. I'm not doing that for them. And I'm sure as hell not letting a church do it for them either.

Unless you work at Golden Corral...

I have probably cooked more than you in the past few days. 

In fact in the span of 4.5 days I cooked over 48 meals!! All those meals plus extra beans for the freezer.

You see cooking is the only thing I can do ahead of time. I can't stockpile laundry or vacuuming.

Over $400 shopping trip (three stores)

60 pans and lids from Sams club

Triple or quadruple batches of everything, above chili, below pork tenderloin with tomatoes over rice and veggies. (or maybe that's chicken I don't remember.)

one layer of saran wrap then lid to prevent freezer burn, Just don't forget to take off the saran wrap before putting in oven.

and label.

I have my own Hyperemesis Gravidarium protocol in place based off several from other people who go through this too:

Whining Puker

Knocked up, Knocked Over.

Mine is not quite as in-depth.

1. Make tons of meal (DONE, I'd make more if I had more freezer space.)

2. Homemade Dilectin: borrowed from Whining Puker ( I have done this before but not smaller doses spread out during the day like she suggests)

10 mg Vitamin B6
10 mg Doxylamine Succinate, or Unisom - this is roughly half of one 25 mg tablet

3. Force myself to eat every 2 hours- Up protein at all meals! Snack on nuts.

4. Stay hydrated, and drink lots of lemon water (lemon is high alkaline, which can help based off this article.)

5. I am NOT taking pre-natal vitamins this time. They make me throw up - no way around it. So I am not trying anymore. A vitamin thrown up is not as good as a meal kept down.

6. Pray and meditate because like Ina May says "feelings effect labor" so I say feelings effect morning sickness too!

7. I honestly think that still breastfeeding PJ will help ease my morning sickness. Nursing while pregnant this is new for me.

I'll be six weeks along on Wednesday and I have not been sick yet (never gone this long before, so maybe the tides have changed for me! One sister from church said the older she got the less morning sickness she had so hip,hip, hooray for later pregnancies!!!

I have no defense for being pregnant at my sister's wedding. I have felt comfort in prayer that I will be A-OK for the big day. Which is rapidly approaching - how exciting!!!

God sent me at the right time.

A thought occured to me while in the bathtub tonight.  Breastfeeding amenorrhea has ended so I could conceive... but I need to avoid morning sickness until after my little sister's wedding in March. So this means a window has closed. If I'd got pregnant before the first of the year I'd deliver before my 35th birthday.

But now if we are so blessed to have another child I will deliver under the umbrella of what modern medicine calls "Advanced Maternal Age".

Ugh.

It kind of reminds me of when I first realized I am considered "morbidly obese"
Advanced maternal age just sounds so...

ominous.

I'll ignore the fear that can come with titles like that. But there is a part of me that is sad to think my reproductive years are winding down. Now that I have an 11 year old. Five years doesn't seem so long after all. I don't know when menopause will start for me (I come from a long line of women who had to have early hysterectomies so I really don't know) but regardless, 40 isn't too far off.
And no matter what we ever do, I will ALWAYS want options. Ya know if I want a baby at 90 then I want a baby. (I'm joking...well maybe.)

I regret the years on birth control hormones and the IUD. They were decisions that felt right at the time when life seemed so long and money so short. But now I realize like sands through the hour glass... my potential for childbearing is but a short part of my life. And my heart breaks so much for the those who go through infertility. I really can't imagine the heartbreak. Its the one thing that makes me want to punch God in the face. And that may be blasphemy but its true. A woman right now somewhere is terminating a pregnancy or neglecting a child while other women cry themselves to sleep hoping that this month will be the month. I know there are answers to quell my anger with the Man above.. but I'll just have to take it up with him myself.

Facing my future, whatever it will be, made glad I am living in this time and place.

I used to be convinced I was born in the wrong era. I should have been born some time where I could take my attitude and be, ya know: radical.

I like to think I would have been on the front lines of the civil rights movement.

I would have made a good early LDS pioneer. I'm hearty. I can walk and walk and walk. I can birth without drugs.

I would have been a good hippie. I like the music. I love activism - just give me a cause and I fight for it.  Long wild hair and skirts and Bob Dylan. I'm so there.

I would have been a good early feminist. Janie vs. inequality.

Me and the status quo don't get along so well. If the majority start to agree I start to question. I don't mind if my choices stand out. So maybe I wasn't born in the wrong time or place after all. I live in a time where the choice to be completely "traditional" : at home, pregnant in the kitchen, with lots of babies, is in and of itself radical.

Early Saints and Childbirth

In the new Relief Society manual, I love that it covered the history of women in relief society being called to medical and midwifery duties. It was very ahead of the time for the leadership of the church to value such education of women and a testament to the care taken for women of that time. Money and resources were used to train women in faraway places for safe obstetric and family care.
How cool would it be to be set apart as a midwife? very cool me thinks.

Sister Snow said: “Are there here, now, any sisters who have ambition enough, and who realize the necessity of it, for Zion’s sake, to take up this study? There are some who are naturally inclined to be nurses; and such ones would do well to study Medicine. … If they cannot meet their own expenses, we have means of doing so.”

With this encouragement, some Relief Society sisters studied medicine in the eastern United States. They came back to Utah as doctors and taught classes in midwifery and home nursing. Emma Andersen Liljenquist, who attended the classes in Utah, recorded some of her experiences:

“I enjoyed [the course] very much, and after being set apart by Apostle John Henry Smith and several of the others, I returned home to do my work, having been promised by the Apostles that if I lived right I should always know what to do in case of any difficulties. …

Did you also know that women of the early church performed blessing rituals for each other - especially surrounding the time a woman prepared for childbirth. The following blessing gave me a lot of peace in my last pregnancy and the words came to my mind often as I prepared for the delivery.


from Stand and Deliver:
 By time they reached the Great Basin in the late 1840s, LDS women frequently conducted washing, anointing, and blessing ceremonies in each others' homes; most often, this was done for a woman preparing to give birth. The practice lasted for about a century.


One blessing recorded about 1909 was as follows:

We anoint your spinal column that you might be strong and healthy no disease fasten upon it no accident belaff [befall] you, your kidneys that they might be active and health and preform [sic] their proper functions, your bladder that it might be strong and protected from accident, your Hips that your system might relax and give way for the birth of your child, your sides that your liver, your lungs, and spleen that they might be strong and preform their proper functions, . . . your breasts that your milk may come freely and you need not be afflicted with sore nipples as many are, your heart that it might be comforted.

They continued by requesting blessings from the Lord on the unborn child's health and expressed the hope that it might not come before its "full time" and that

the child shall present right for birth and that the afterbirth shall come at its proper time . . . and you need not flow to excess. . . . We anoint . . . your thighs that they might be healthy and strong that you might be exempt from cramps and from the bursting of veins. . .

The document combines practical considerations, more common to women's talk over the back fence, with the reassuring solace and compassion of being anointed with the balm of sisterhood. The women sealed the blessing:

Sister ___ we unitedly lay our hands upon you to seal the washing and anointing wherewith you have been washed and anointed for your safe delivery, for the salvation of you and your child and we ask God to let his special blessings to rest upon you, that you might sleep sweet at night that your dreams might be pleasant and that the good spirit might guard and protect you from every evil influence spirit and power that you may go your full time and that every blessing that we have asked God to confer upon you and your offspring may be literally fulfilled that all fear and dread may be taken from you and that you might trust in God. All these blessings we unitedly seal upon you in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

The tender attention to both the women's psychological and physical state is an example of loving service and gentleness. 


There is also evidence to suggest that early Saints were  comfortable with breastfeeding in public  - women these days still feel the need to cover their babies even while in the mother's lounge. I can't really imagine anything worse than being up against a warm body eating a meal and having my whole self covered with a blanket. I try to rarely do it with my babies - so I definitely don't cover in the mother's lounge.
I've linked to this post before but I thought I'd include the pictures on my blog so it will be in my blog books that my daughters flip through as they grow and they will digest the normalcy of breastfeeding.

 The Handcart Company by CCA Christensen 1900

Illustration from Harper's Weekly 1871

The spiritual benefits of breastfeeding.

We are more than one, but not quite two. I haven’t discovered the calculus to describe where one self ends and another begins. I can only notice when the boundaries of personhood blur: how I can’t stop kissing the soft folds of her neck, how I wake at night moments before she does, how my body turns blood into milk into baby. - Dr. Rixa Freeze from What does it mean to be a woman?

Me and Baby Benjamin May 2000

My Mom and Meg May 1982

First there was the spiritual preparation for breastfeeding.


And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 1 Nephi 12:2

When 21 & 22 and pregnant with Benjamin I didn't prepare myself well enough for childbirth - obviously since I agreed to induction early and then forceps. But I think it would have been a c-section if there wasn't two already going on in the hospital when I started pushing.

But I did prepare for breastfeeding. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to do it or stick with it. You see I had almost never seen a baby nurse. The internet was not as plush with info then. My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and close Aunt did not breastfeed.

So I read and read. Mostly this: The Nursing Mother's Companion.  And I prayed and prayed that I would be able to feed my new baby the way I wanted. They way I believed nature wanted. I let my silly notions of natural childbirth go but I was set on breastfeeding.

Then there was the physical  preparation for breastfeeding:

I went to breastfeeding class.  I got one of those "my breast friend"pillows... boppy's will do but don't work too well for fat girls. I got several different nursing bras. One as a gift and one big bag of them from a friend who gave up on breastfeeding. I only say 'gave up' because that is the words she used.
That bag of bras to me was a motivational poster: She didn't make it - but I WILL!!
One of them was like a size G made by Omar the tent maker probably. She said you'll think you'll never need it but during engorgement you'll be glad you have it. I remember day four after coming home crying to Kyle "Go get that HUGE bra. I need it."

I got a used pump from the same friend. Sanitized it and some bottles. Tried the pump one night and laughed my butt off. But when the day came where my boobs were roughly the size of Rhode Island. I was glad that I already knew the ins and outs of the pump.


Then came the baby and the trials:

Even with prayer and preparation I genuinely hoped it would just come natural for us. I mean what baby doesn't want to eat and live?  I knew that for best bonding and breastfeeding success we were to nurse as soon after birth as possible. I didn't count on them taking him away to the warmer forever (during his most wakeful moments) and me needing to get stitched up.

But Benjamin was "nursed" in the delivery room before we moved. But really he just sat there, He didn't latch well and never got a sucking pattern.

In the course of our time in the hospital he only latched on a handful of times.
When we went to the "how to bathe your baby" class the new babies there were bottle fed. And one mom made that claim with pride. I felt torn. I was worried that he wasn't getting anything and she knew exactly how many ounces her baby had since birth. But I pushed my thoughts of fear aside because I thought I'd ask all my questions when the lactation consultant came around. The breastfeeding class I went to at the hospital said that all new nursing moms would get a visit from the lactation consultant.  It wasn't till the morning of our discharge that I said to my nurse when will I see the lactation consultant? and she said "you won't - you didn't request a visit."

So we went home.

He nursed once really well when we got home that afternoon.

then..Thanks to the circumcision we shouldn't have done I spent most of the night trying to get him to latch on and Kyle spent the rest doctoring his very sore private parts.

By 1pm the next day he hadn't nursed.  So I called the pediatrician. They said bring him in right away.

I slipped on the first thing I could find - I had been naked from the waist up pretty much since getting home. It was a church dress. Big mistake.

I got there and the first thing they did was give him a 4 oz bottle of sugar water. He drank it up and they looked at me like I was CRAZY. I said "I didn't say he wouldn't take a BOTTLE! I said he wouldn't NURSE."

So they calmed me down brought in the regular pediatrician (a man) in addition to the nurse practitioner and asked me to nurse him. Idiot me in my dress!! I had to lift the whole thing up with a bunch of people watching me and I tried to feed my sleeping baby who had just been put to sleep by a tummy full of sugar water. Needless to say he wouldn't really nurse yet again. And I leaked breastmilk every. where. I think including on the doctor.

They gave me the best advice they could: "just keep trying"

I still remember walking out of that place completely soaked in my own breastmilk. feeling very defeated.

So what I did for the next four weeks was this: I tried to nurse him, it wouldn't work. Then he'd get a bottle of my breastmilk and I'd pump. My rule was if he was getting bottle fed, I was pumping an equal amount of time. I knew that supply depended on demand.  I see this mistake made on Baby story all the time. Mom's giving formula because their milk "hasn't come in" ummmm if you give the baby formula and don't pump or nurse - you're milk supply will be damaged.

pray


attempt to nurse


pray


nursing fail


kyle bottle feed, me cry while pumping.

At some point in this routine I realized my problem was 70% my flat nipples/nipple confusion and 30% my sleeping baby.

I think being induced five days early plus my babies inclination to be born 4-7 days past my due date had a lot to do with him being so tired. He wasn't ready to be earthside.

This exhausting routine and emotional roller coaster had gone on for too long and I pounded my fist into the mattress:

"I AM A COLLEGE EDUCATED WOMAN WHO CAN'T FEED HER OWN BABY"

I collapsed, and pulled Benjamin close to me. And tried just for the sake of trying, I said a little prayer and tried.

And he latched. A real latch and he suckled and suckled and swallowed and swallowed. I silently motioned to Kyle:  "look, look he's nursing!"

I remember that moment like it just happened.

It was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. It was like sitting in the Celestial room at the temple - laying there feeding my son the way I had hoped and planned on being able to do and feeling that I had overcome a major trial despite being on the edge of giving up.

A lot of times you need to get to that edge to get the the spiritual benefit of overcoming the trial. To this day I count the time spent breastfeeding my babies as some of the most sweet moments of my life.


** it wasn't all a bed of roses from there - I did get our latch down well enough that I could even walk and nurse but we still dealt with thrush and me working full-time and we weaned at 9 months, If I knew then what I know now we've would have gone longer. But my adventures in extended breastfeeding is a post for another day...

wish I had resources like this then:

from here

The silence was deafening on my other post but that is ok.

I do regret if I came off too harsh and judgemental which I am, but I was being defensive.

I was sad though that at the womens conference lunch this weekend I was behind two women talking about being 'done' with kids. "you're not keeping those baby clothes are you?" you are done you said...." "oh yeah I am so done, but that dress was just too cute to give away"

And I thought to myself. Really? I mean REALLY? can I get away from this topic? Then they switched to talking about the people they hire to clean their house. One had to remind the housekeeper to wipe down the bunk beds and one was happy that she could leave money out without it being stolen.

then my head was spinning with judgement so I retreated into myself.

Other than that the Stake women's conference was amazing. I really liked the session on Preparing for temple worship. I have some good reading assignments. And Meredith and Betsy's talks were amazing!

I am also enjoying Sis. Beck's talk at BYU women's conference.

PS. I went to church in North Richland hills yesterday - It was a nice retreat. I went with Joni. It is amazing how you can feel such camaraderie and the Spirit with someone of another faith.

I so thought that a ward split would be announced while I was gone. oh well

** other blogs on this series here and here

Further thoughts on that topic.

I think what also sparked my need to get things off my chest was a blogpost over at Joni Martin's blog, she is living different faiths for 30 days to debunk misinformation and explore God from a new perspective - which by the way has absolutely fascinated me! - she even blogged about my fascination here.

The gist of the blog was tenets of Islam and the first line was "No new souls" and I was huh? wha? and then as I read I thought well yes we believe that too - if we were all together in the pre-existence - there are no new souls being created for this earth. So it's exactly the same as what we believe I just never heard it from the "No new Souls" perspective.

I think we talk about as LDS women 'doing hard things' a lot. But being so bold as to add "having more children or adopting children" in the hard things list gets people angry and defensive.

My litmus tests for our reasons for not having more children is could I say those reasons to the face of a soul waiting to come to earth?

I picture a long, long hallway of doors and a spirit hoping for a body and going to door after door much like Joseph and Mary did.

If a spirit comes to us, Kyle and I need to be able to say we can't take you because of X,Y,and Z and be completely comfortable with that decision.

If we have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation and understand that spirits need bodies and understand the goal of the adversary how can we not have the STRONGEST of convictions on this topic?

If Satan has to work hard to get a soul away from the Gospel how much easier is it to just insure they are never born into the Gospel to begin with?

I can't bear the thought of sending away someone who then ends up in horrible circumstances here. What if I say no and a girl ends up born into the Taliban, or a boy ends up a boy soldier in a war torn country?

What if a girl ends up the daughter of a pageant mom and has horrible things done to her for vanity's sake?

I'd feel silly one day finding out someone was supposed to be in our family and I just didn't want to deal with puking, and back pain and feeling like my pelvis was going to split right in two.

I think faith has to precede the miracle on this one. How does permanently closing off the means for God to open your womb possibly limit miracles? When we took the leap of faith after Cora Kyle's career wasn't near recovered from the recession. - By week 10 of the pregnancy with PJ his company had a new position for him at a much better salary. I feel that was a blessing based on our faith.

Before I felt this way I wanted to lean on the two things I hear most on the topic to justify our choice to be "done":

The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health

Every pregnancy jeopardizes life or health. Even with the best provider, diet, and plan, pregnancy and childbirth is dangerous. If I want an excuse not to do it - there are plenty.

and the "its between, you, your husband, and the Lord." aka. Its no one's business how many kids we have.

very true it absolutely is NO ONE's business.

But in that equation (you, spouse, & the Lord)- it shouldn't be overlooked that one of those involved paid the ultimate price for your body and soul and he kindly requests that you offer the same opportunity you have had to other souls.

The Lord hasn't changed this request since Adam and Eve.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God's eternal plan.

I also think that we put special emphasis on chastity in youth to protect procreative powers. But we are ok with throwing away those powers when our family size is "just right".

I take no offense with women who are done bearing children who have taken the decision seriously but the flippant attitude of "oh I am done - yuck -- being pregnant sucked - so not doing that again." is dangerous. There are entire books on why pregnancy sucks. I have heard flippant remarks from Relief society teachers about them not having anymore kids for such and such reason and saw many heads nod in agreement - like oh yeah it does suck - I'm done too.

Now I do totally believe that there are most definitely situations where couples should not have children. There are cases of health reasons/ mental health reasons and possibly even financial hardships that should be taken into consideration. When a couple brings a child into the world without stability that is just as dangerous as not bringing them when one can.

I also find it more than a little shocking to be so firmly in the minority in my opinion.

At Time out for Women - one speaker talked about making sure our children were non-conformers. And he mostly meant against the world. But I sat there thinking what about when you are a non-conformer amongst fellow believers?

I am not the only one taking notice of this trend - Four seems the magic number for LDS families these days. Very, very spiritual sisters that I have tremendous respect for have stopped at 4 and are 100% ok with their decision. I'd love to know more about how they arrived at that peace. But that would be prying. So I ramble on here.

It seems that peace of letting God choose your family size has left the Church and has been taken up by sisters of other faiths. My three favorite blogs for inspiration about big families are not LDS. They are women who wholeheartedly have faith in "multiply and replenish the earth" they don't have easy pregnancies either, but they obviously have been blessed to handle the trials and they teach others a long the way, I sit at their sides and learn via the internet but can't help but wish they were sitting with me at church so I wouldn't feel like the only one.

Smockity Frocks

Raising Olives

In a shoe

** you should totally see how 'in a shoe' manages her family in a small three bedroom home - I think it is totally awesome! Their bunk beds are way cool!

Amazing post here that says what I feel -- much better than I could even say:

taken from Women in the Scriptures

"It made my heart ache and I really began to re-examine my testimony of the gospel. If the gospel was true, and there really were hosts of spirits waiting for their turn at mortality, then nothing else in my life would compare with the opportunity to help God clothe those spirits in their immortal tabernacles. Bodies, which because of the atonement, would all become immortal and could one day house Gods and Goddesses. Was there anything greater I could do with my “plans” that that? Yet, if the gospel wasn’t true and giving birth was really just giving existence to the non-existent, as so many in the world believe, then consecrating my fertility to a non-existent deity was the stupidest thing I could ever do.

Did I really have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation? Was God really serious when He said “be fruitful” or was He just giving a suggestion? Did I really believe God when He promised that “children are a heritage from the Lord? (Psalms 127:3)” Did I truly believe?

I felt my spirit yielding but still my mind pushed back against God.

I continued to wrestle.

A few weeks later as I was swimming laps at the gym I was pondering over my choices when a thought hit me so powerfully that I began to cry mid-stroke (yes, such a thing is possible) as the spirit rushed over me.

“It is all based on your willingness,” the still small voice whispered, “Are you willing to be a handmaiden of the Lord?” "

off my chest... LDS & birth control....edited to add

**note.
This post came at the time from very hurt feelings of mine. I have always expected raised eyebrows for our family size from people. But people in my own faith questioned me quite often even teasing me. I felt if there was power to be had in what we believed people of my own faith would understand my family size. And this was written out of that pain. I am sorry to those who's feelings I hurt.

I will be posting pics of Benjamin's Birthday party soon so if this potentially controversial post doesn't suit you please ignore it.

my mom rocking her baby bump and tattoo

my parents at their wedding unsuspecting of me the honeymoon baby to be

me and my daddy and stellar fake wood panelled walls

Me and my Me-maw Janie (who lovingly thought breastfeeing was deesgusting)

After, correct that, during my pregnancy with Cora I was SURE we were done. I told everyone Kyle was getting the big "SNIP" and I reminded him frequently. I got a card for a urologist from my OB. I carried that card in my wallet. I considered a tubal ligation, but read that in some women it can cause symptoms of morning sickness because the body interprets the ligation wrong. I was considering permanent measures so I would never, ever again have to experience morning sickness.

There were the sly comments from many (even family) like "you're done now right? right??"

And during the pregnancy I felt peace about being done. But I was also feeling a baby kicking inside of me so I think I was riding on hormone fumes.

Then Cora was born and the pregnancy behind me didn't seem as daunting as I had thought. And my heart was slowly softened to the concept of letting God and our libido be in charge of what spirits would join our home. It took faith and prayer and advice of faithful sisters. Especially with unemployment stirred in there for fun.

And of course you know the result of that - an adorable little boy we call PJ who I can't possibly imagine him being in any other home but ours.

But what had me thinking about this topic this morning was how much taking a different path with my recent pregnancy has opened my eyes to what I feel are two growing evils in this world:

Modern Obstetrics and the devaluing of babies/big families.

After a pregnancy and childbirth with a midwife

I WANT TO TELL EVERY PREGNANT WOMEN I KNOW - GET A MIDWIFE!! Even for your hospital birth - Go to a midwife... take a real childbirth class not the stupid one the hospital offers, get a midwife, get a midwife, get a midwife, and maybe even a doula.

I can't tell you how many women have said to me things like

You were lucky - I HAD to have a c-section.

My body couldn't handle labor.

My body couldn't finish labor.

The baby couldn't handle the contractions.

My water broke and they would let me go any longer.

I would have died if I had been at home.

My baby would have died....

I give full appreciation to each sentiment. Every women's birth story is her story and I will not argue that. But my heart wonders. What would have happened if you had been with a midwife?

If you followed a brewer's diet would your blood pressure have been so high?

Would you have been induced?

Would the midwife have discouraged pitocin that would have left the baby unstressed?

Would she have been a support for you throughout all the labor instead of just barely darkening the door when you started to push?

Would her support have helped you go longer without the epidural that slowed your labor or made your labor go too fast bringing the baby down in a malposition?

Without the epidural could you have gotten into and hands and knees position that would have got the baby unstuck off of your pelvis and you wouldn't have needed that c-section?

Wonderful Blog article on the topic HERE

My anger is NOT AT ALL with moms - but with OB's.

They make decisions and cause so many interventions that lead to c-sections without thought to the lingering consequences for moms.

Because second to the above statements - I also hear sadness in the voice of those who's family size was directly affected by C-sections and OB's opinions.

"I'd love to have more, but the doctor said:

my uterus was see-though

my uterus was like saran wrap

my c-section scar was too thick, too weak, poorly positioned, etc.

the baby could kick right though my uterus if I got pregnant again

I think when a mom has two or three children the OB's have no problem whatsoever saying you should be done. I mean what would be the benefit to them to say its safe to have more children?

you:

a. already have children.

b. if you ask if there are risks - of course they would say yes, there are risks for every woman. Why should they say yes then you have more children and put them in a potential place of blame.

c. If they say there are risks in front of your husband then you can be pretty sure your family is done. Because what husband is going to be ok with any risk.

I am amazed at the women - friends and nurses and doctors who's options were limited by c-sections themselves so they persuade/bully other women into it too - making the woman feel guilty to consider more. All someone has to say to a questioning woman is "Yeah go ahead and leave the ones you have motherless so you can have one more!

What couple will ever have confidence with their decision?

I AM NOT SAYING THAT you should ignore your doctor. Just take into consideration that its like asking a butcher if you should be a vegan. Asking an OB if there are risks in another pregnancy. A person who sees the mostly bad of pregnancy all day and you'll almost always get a YES answer.

Yet... the women who go onto to get pregnant after the doctor has said "NO MORE OR YOU"LL DIE." surprisingly and I've known a few... have had safe pregnancies and deliveries.

But instead of the doctor saying - hmmm. you handled that just perfectly ... they say well you managed to live but really NO MORE, OR YOU REALLY WILL DIE this time.

What you decide about birth control for your family is up to you, your spouse and God. But OB's should stop getting to play God by telling all these women not to have more children.

I'll stop now and tell my mom's story since I believe this is the root cause of my passion on this topic.

My mom was told as a teenager she could not get pregnant. She was married once before my father. And she did not get pregnant.

Then she married my dad and almost instantly got very, very sick. Throwing up ALL THE TIME. sound familiar right?

she went to a doctor and told him she was sick and no its not pregnancy related because she is infertile. So they did tests, and x-rays and all that was available in 1977. And then they did gallbladder surgery because since she was still vomiting all the time that must be it right?

Well when they did the surgery and her gall bladder was fine they slowly put 2 and 2 together as they sewed her up. But to avoid liability didn't tell her (she found out later that the surgeon realized mid surgery that she was probably pregnant). They said "turns out its not your gallbladder - go see another doctor.

And she did and they did more tests and later that afternoon they called and said "Congrats" and she was like Huh? wha??

Congrats you're pregnant!

They estimated her at well past half the pregnancy by this point. and gave her a late September due date (but really they had no clue)

So about mid October they talked C-section. My mom was sad to never experience a contraction - she says she never even got to the point of having Braxton Hicks. I was born via c-section on October 19th - 6lbs 8ozs. COVERED in vernix. So thick that my mom says she was unprepared to see that and she was positive I was dead.

I was not over 2 weeks late - I was born, probably 2 or more weeks early.

She tried to breastfeed but says I drew blood and she swore never again. She still likes to joke about her aversion to breastfeeding. I don't mind too much. I know she had no support. I means who was breastfed in the 70's? - probably not a single nurse in the hospital did. My grandmother sure didn't and my great-grandmother was very vocal even once I started having children that only 'poor women' breastfeed.

I wish I could go back in time and help my mom. Bleeding cracked nipples are from poor latch - usually from early babies without the proper strength for a good latch.

Four years later my sister was born via repeat cesearean. And on the operating table my mom was coerced into tubal ligation, because you guessed it - her uterus was paper thin according to the OB.

I read her journal with permission, and she was devastated.

"To know I'll never feel another daughter or son of Heavenly Father in my earthly being hurts me to the core. But I love the little family Donnie and I have together."

I'll never forget her being by my side when I labored with Benjamin (pitocin induction, forceps near miss c-section) and she enjoyed my contractions in a strange way - saying I'll never know what that feels like.

Pay attention ladies, know your options, weigh the risks. Taking lightly the risks of not being prepared for labor and delivery will limit your options.

I think the way modern obstetrics are right now is a form of evil limiting family size in righteous homes.

My heart breaks for every woman told she should not have more children when her heart wants them.

and that leads me to the second thing I hear alot:

"whoo you have your hands full I couldn't handle that"

I think our own perfectionism is another form of evil, because our sanity rests on an ideal that is so hard to achieve we limit family size so we can "manage"

We have bigger and bigger houses but smaller and smaller families. We coddle our kids so much that the thought of more seems daunting.

I have no good response for "you have your hands full, I'd go crazy". I do have a messy house all the time, we don't do a sport or two for each kid year round. There are sacrifices. But I am not trading my family for a perfect house, more vacations, or even for more money in savings accounts.

When I get to the spirit world I'd rather be guilty that I had stained carpet (and for the many, many other reasons) than knowing a friend, a spirit that fought beside me in the pre-existence went somewhere else instead of to Kyle and I because we were afraid of more noise, less money, and more stains.

I am sad that I feel/hear the sentiment of "no more babies for me, no way" just as much in the Church as out of the Church. People talk about their husband's vasectomies, their tubals as if it was the most liberating moment of their life.

The no permanent birth control except in cases of jeopardized health and all of sudden all women have jeopardized health.

I AM NOT INTENDING TO OFFEND.

But I think of the tithing lessons and all sentiments about topics like that and how those statements could coordinate perfectly with family size but I don't hear that.

"It takes faith"

"God will provide"

"It will make you different from the world but you will be blessed for it"

How many women know the church's stand on birth control? I bet A LOT don't know. I didn't for a long, long time. In fact if we had gone into the decision after Cora without just a little more digging, I'd be regretting Kyle's vasectomy RIGHT NOW!!!

I am broken hearted to think of all the comments I made about "absolutely no more babies" when there are soooo many good women waiting for a baby in their arms. Have women longing for children overheard my crude remarks? If so I am sorry.

I borrowed these from this post I came across this morning: The LDS church stance on tubal ligation.

In the 2010 Church Handbook of Instructions (which has recently been put online) it says this about surgical sterilization as a form of birth control:

"The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or 2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgement and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer. "

Prophet Spencer W. Kimball said,

"We marry for eternity. We are serious about this. We become parents and bring wanted children into the world and rear and train them to righteousness. We are aghast as the reports of young people going to surgery to limit their families and the reputed number of parents who encourage this vasectomy. Remember that the coming of the Lord approaches, and some difficult-to-answer questions will be asked by a divine Judge who will be hard to satisfy with silly explanations and rationalizations. He will judge justly, you may be sure."

Prophet Joseph Fielding Smith said,

"Now I wish to ask a question: How will a young married couple feel when they come to the judgement and discover that there were certain spirits assigned to them and they refused to have them? Moreover, what will be their punishment when they discover that they have failed to keep a solemn covenant and spirits awaiting this mortal life were forced to come elsewhere when they were assigned to this particular couple?"

I enjoyed reading the post almost as much as the comments. I still have a questioning mind on the subject. I am not against birth control completely. I am wary of anything permanent. I am considering taking a NFP class and in the mean time I am loving this app - to track fertility.

I am going to strive to be more faithful about what is and what may be. I am so thankful for a faithful husband who talks this topic out with me all the time. Because let me be honest its more than a little scary. Kyle always ends this frequent conversation with "you are the one who has to go through it" I'll give you all the babies that you want, but if you are done then we are done. We will be ok.

More evil than scalpel happy OB's are husbands who TELL a wife no more children, or insist on a big family. Its a tough decision that has to be made together in prayer.

your thoughts?

** My mom read this and said she regretfully agrees and does wish she could have had more children, but because of the way things happened we would have never had my adopted brother in our life and he taught her many things and blessed our lives.

I wanted to also say why I wrote this post- I left a nice comment, honestly it was nice on a blog of someone I don't know in person. She was saying she was done at four even though it hurt her heart to say that. I said well don't do anything permanent because you may revisit this topic later.

then she never approved my comment. so I thought I can put my thoughts on my own blog neener neener. This post is IN NO way directed at anyone I know in real life. for reals.

Want too many details? - here you go

Janette got the date right !
Kendra got closest to the right time!

Kimberly got closest to the right weight!

Saturday night when contractions started at ten minutes apart again (like false labor the week before) I did my best to not give them much merit. I am a firm believer that denial is early labor’s best friend.
I was enjoying a warm bath when they started and I thought how convenient, one way to tell if its false labor is to relax in a warm bath – so that was taken care of. But despite my efforts to relax they picked up in intensity. I started timing them at 10:20 and had called Kyle by my side by 11pm.
Those are the only two times I can accurately quote, because after that it was a comical back and forth for a while. During a contraction, I wanted the midwives called and in between I’d say no wait. During a contraction I loved being in the tub and in between I wanted to get out. Kyle talked me into staying in the tub a while longer since there was warm water to be enjoyed and if this was the real deal he was about to empty the hot water heater for the birth pool.
I started texting family and the midwives. Kyle started to get that look on his face that there was much to be done. So I stayed in the tub while he took a quick shower and then headed downstairs to get things ready. I ran the poor man ragged for a while, because I had very quickly gotten to the point where I wanted him during contractions, so he’d get one thing done and I’d scream for him to come be with me.

We made pathetic attempts to accurately time, but the stop watch on his phone was kind of finicky and we were timing them wrong for a bit – just so you know, you time the start of one contraction to the start of the next to assess how far apart they are. When a couple were seven minutes apart I got out of the tub.
Then it got a little serious. Getting out of the tub sparked a contraction, walking into my room sparked another; they were strong enough that I needed a little help getting dressed.
Going downstairs sparked another contraction… all those so close together was a little nerve-wracking. Meg was on her way but I still hadn’t given the ok for the midwives to head over. I had this kind of irrational fear that when we told them to head our way things would all of a sudden stop.
Kyle was so busy getting things ready and running to be with me with each contraction He called his mom over to help him. Thank goodness because there was a lot to be done and things were going faster than any of us really knew.
I sat at the computer because I had thought I’d blog or facebook some cryptic “I’m in labor message” but I could barely concentrate to hold the mouse. I do remember glossing over Postsecret because it had already been posted for that Sunday. Random huh?
Then sitting there at the computer a contraction hit that was so strong I had the very distinct thought “If I were at the hospital that would be the contraction that would make me ask for an epidural”… I was afraid to tell Kyle that, but I did say, “ Ok tell the midwives to come over. NOW”
From this point on I don’t trust my own details very well, because labor took extreme concentration. I lost awareness of time and space. Kyle was amazing. Each contraction he was there by my side. I have vague memories of moving from rocking chair to bed to toilet back to chair back to bed. With contractions we did the “rainbow technique” taught in the Bradley class. I pictured a large blank white screen (an old drive-in to be precise) and Kyle would list the colors of the rainbow in about 10 second increments. I’d picture the screen plastered with that color and the color deepening. Each time he said a new color I knew that, thank the Lord above, that I had made it another 10 seconds or so. A new color was also my cue to take a deep abdominal breath. It may sound cheesy but it worked for me.
What did not work was thinking of each body part and relaxing it as we were also taught in Bradley. I didn’t want to think of my body at all. When I tried even a small attempt like mentally thinking, ok Janie relax your toes, I’d literally think, screw my toes MY STOMACH HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is the beauty of the Bradley method; we learned a bunch of techniques and had to practice each. I found what worked for me.
It did get hard to move around because moving brought on a contraction each time. But I am still immensely grateful that I was at home and could move around freely.
The midwives finally arrived. They say I made Kyle call again and ask how far they were. I don’t recall this but I believe it. I don’t know how or when I got there but I laid on the bed and asked if she was going to check me. She said, “Do you want me to?” How cool are midwives. So unlike the nurse at the hospital who just said I am going to check you now and proceeded to torture me.
I did actually want to be checked. I was saving the birth pool to the end. I had in my mind this fear that I would start to lose control and the water was my last “pain relieving” technique. I didn’t want to get in the water at 5 centimeters and be tired of it too soon.
Kyle also said that I kept saying I was afraid labor would stop if I got in. Everyone found this funny since it was very apparent labor was not going to stop at this point.
So…. I was 8 centimeters with a bulging bag of water when she checked. I got in the pool and LOVED it. The pictures show me in pretty much the same position, but I really did move around a lot. Hands and knees, frogger, on my side, on my back, pure floating, It was wonderful. I had a few moments of severe back pain and I could relieve it by changing positions in the pool.
An hour since being checked and I was still at the same pattern. I knew in my heart if my water broke I’d be close to pushing. The midwife was a little hesitant. First she wanted me to completely empty my bladder. I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up, leaving the comfort of the water, much less sitting on the toilet. I also feared I wouldn’t even be able to go since I remember having to get a catheter in the hospital for not being able to go.
But after one more contraction I gathered up my courage and went for it. I walked so fast they didn’t even have a chance to put a towel around me. Kyle said he was very afraid I would slip and fall. I made it, I emptied my bladder and right as I went to get up from the toilet a whammy of a contraction hit. Kyle’s mom said it sounded so strong she wondered for a bit if I’d deliver there.
But I didn’t, I survived and made it back to the water just as quickly as I had left. There the midwife checked me during a contraction. Borderline torture. Broke my water, and checked again during next contraction. Actual torture. Everything was fine, baby’s head came down, umbilical cord didn’t and the heart rate was good. Then, by mercy of a Loving Heavenly Father I had a NICE LONG BREAK.
I floated and can honestly say I was pain free. I believe it lasted ten minutes. I even thought hmmmm… this is taking a long time. But I didn’t really care I was making myself relax, enjoying the lack of pain and resting.

Then the train arrived in the station so to say. Can’t tell you what I felt first, the build of the contraction or the baby in the birth canal. But I was pushing. Pushing I tell ya. I think directions were being given to me, push slower, move your knees, don’t push with your legs, push with your body. I didn’t really care all too much I was just pushing. I didn’t feel the ring of fire. Maybe that was another perk of the water. I just remember being told the head is out. Then a small break and much more pain and I lost it. I BEGGED for him to be pulled out. The midwife did help him a bit side to side and I once again PUSHED. And then it happened my baby was born at home, and I felt the amazing feeling of complete relief that can only happen when your healthy baby can be pulled up to your chest.

I loved on my baby, was amazed at how good his color was, that he was breathing but not crying. And I eventually realized who was in the room besides Kyle. Oh look at that there are two midwives, yeah the kids made it, my mom is on skype (awesome), Meg is taking pictures – she rocks, Nana is with the kids – how sweet.

Contractions started again, and they were annoyingly almost as painful as labor, I rolled my eyes in frustration and told Kyle repeatedly to help me hold the baby. I feared I’d be overcome with pain and dunk him back in the water. Just a few minutes after Parker’s birth, the midwife gave me a chance to push the placenta out all on my own, but honestly I was a little spent, so she gave it a tug and the birth was officially complete.

We waited until the placenta was delivered to cut the cord. That was something that meant a lot to me. The early cord clamping/cutting that is status quo at the hospital is not good for the baby. Want more info about that here is a good video: Benefits of delayed cord cutting

I cut the cord after making sure it was ok with Kyle. I was so curious to see what it felt like. The midwives commented on how huge his cord was – they said it was a sign of intelligence.

I got out of the water and into a warm bed; I nursed my new little one and all newborn exams were done right by my side. The siblings all got to hold him, then they went upstairs and fought dad about going back to bed, even though they were all asleep in minutes.

I got checked out and all was well. Then I got to go slowly upstairs, shower, while one of the midwives waited right outside my bathroom door. When I came out they had my bed turned down, pillows fluffed and a glass of OJ on my nightstand.

They left me to help Kyle clean up (there was very little mess) and they were gone a couple hours after the big event. Kyle came upstairs gave me my baby and passed out next to me. I spent an adrenaline filled early morning staring at my new baby and watching the sun start to peek in the window.

The birth of each of my precious babies has a special place in my heart and their presence everyday transcends the way they entered the world. But I do have to say this experience has changed me to the core. I trusted my body. Leaned on my husband. Prayed before during and after for strength, which I received.

When I was a teenager I made a bucket list with my best friend and besides skinny dipping in every major body of water, I included “having natural childbirth” No idea why, except that I overheard a lady talk about how empowering it was. I had that faded tattered list in my mind during this experience. I am so grateful for the desire to bring a baby into the world the way nature intended. And I am so grateful that my dream came true.

Here is a slidehow Meg madefor me, she is the best sister - It contains birth footage but nothing too visible, I'd advocate Parental Guidance so consider yourself warned :)