This is the thing about being an a**hole

tell me how you really feel.  just kidding I don't need to know

First a story:
In 2006 the first winter I was a Texan, I helped out at the Stake's Nativity Exhibit. That was way more intense than I had expected but I loved it. I liked the "doing" of it, church is usually so much listening but this was "doing" I spent loooooong days rubbing shoulders with cool ladies decorating and more decorating and we put out HUNDREDS of Nativity scenes. The only frustrating part was that there was a lot of wasted effort and time. See it was arranged that people worked on sections - The wooden ones, the white porcelain, the international, the children's... And then when all were set up the big jobs of putting out poinsettias, sweeping, lighting ALL the sections with nativities, etc. could happen. But sections had to be done first and there were vast differences in the efficiency that some people worked on their sections. One night went till after 1 am because a section was "just not right" to a particular individual.

The next year I was asked to be chairperson for the entire event. My ONE admonition from those who called me to do it was to make an effort to be more aware of the time commitments people were making to this 2.5 day event. I held less meetings, delegated more, and when the time came made it clear that sections were to have "teams" and time was of the essence!

Second day of decorating and the section of white porcelain nativity sets were only 1/4 out while others were nearing 3/4ths of the way. Then just before dinner the person in charge of her team decided since she had done this section EVERY year since the inception of this event .. once again things "did not look right" And suddenly without discussion, took every single nativity set back down.

Frustration mounting, I stood in the vast cultural hall, and just observed. Every section was nearing completion while the white nativities were starting from scratch. I mustered all the niceness I could and begged: Can we please get EVERYBODY working on this section and just get them up? Then the next steps can happen and maybe we can be home before 9:00.

"No. She said. I have a vision for this section it has to be a certain way. I can't have all these other hands involved."

She continued at same pace as before. Others started standing around. They couldn't leave. I needed them for the lights and the netting and the sweeping.

She meanwhile stood back rubbing her chin contemplating the placement of every single sheep, Mary and Joseph, then asked for different music to play over the speakers. I again asked if we could help.

"nope I'm ok"

sigh....

After 7:00 she had to leave to run an errand. And the asshole in me that was too chicken to intervene in her presence was ready to act. Chairperson from the previous year said: "We can get these all up while she is gone."

DONE.

In 40 minutes, the Nativity section was complete.

45 minutes after that, she returned to us lighting and netting the entire place, on our way to almost getting to leave before 11 pm. She was livid and cried and yelled. And people all let the blame fall to me. I had callously took away her 'area' that she had worked so hard on.

I, in the end, was the asshole and the next morning missed another important event so I could have an apology meeting with her and church leaders, over her feelings.

But we finished ahead of schedule AND almost a dozen women got home to their families sooner.

Was I wrong? I don't know. I sort of don't care. 

I have thought about this a lot lately. There seems to be this notion as social media progresses that we are less kind to one another. I disagree.

Sure there are the offensive memes, tribalism political rants, and "look at them aren't they so stupid" statements. But me? I'm the often misunderstood asshole. I like to read and read and read, and I admittedly obsess over any topic that so interests me at the time. I've had my birth obsessions, health at every size, breastfeeding, religious rants, atheist rants, etc. I am that person who can genuinely debate a topic with you and STILL like you. I usually think I am right. I mean why would I think I was wrong and continue thinking that way? I rarely see 'both' sides as being valid. I want a good answer to questions and when I think I have found it I share it. Some see a kindness problem. I see a sensitivity problem. Its the marketplace of ideas. Put yours out there.

There was a Penn Jillette podcast where he was complaining about the tone of Phil Plait's lecture at some skeptic event. His position was that skeptics needed to be nicer, no one was ever convinced by being argued with. NOT SO said Penn. I have been convinced by people arguing with me all the time. If my position is stupid, tell me. Be authentic for me. If you are a dick. Be a dick.

I haven't been able to get it out of my head. If you are a dick. Be a dick. I don't think I am a dick necessarily. I am a know it all, I'm obnoxious. I like to debate, I like to play devils advocate, I like to think about things well past the constraints of normal, and I change my mind often. If I am wrong tell me, if you are wrong I might tell you. Now people who profess kindness but readily shun others, deal entirely in passive aggression, question your motives above your content - I have a short fuse for that.

I will do anything to help you if I can.  If you need it you can have the shirt off my back. I'll bring you dinner, I'll pick you up at the airport, I'll laugh with you, cry with you, and if you are up for it I'll argue with you.

So am I kind? Am I not? I don't know,  authenticity means much more to me. I'm too old and life is too short for me to not be myself. I am lucky in that I have a good sense of self and I am loved. My mom loves me to the ends of the earth. She raised me well and argued with me along the way and still will, but it has no bearing on how we feel about each other. My husband loves me, we can debate politics, talk philosophy make love and go to sleep. I have six kids who cuddle with me every single day. My sister and I face time during our bubble baths and NO topic is off limits. So maybe I am loved enough to afford to argue on the internetz. If something is important to me I will tell you about it.

Don't hate me for it. But if you do hate me for it. Its ok. I promise its ok. If you need anything I will still do my best to help you.

PS. Guess who has two thumbs and has been invited to write for Skepchick grounded parents blog?

THIS ASSHOLE, that's who!

“That, my dear, is the sound of a paradigm shifting without a clutch.”

title credit to Karen R. from here

I have a complicated history with this subject and I am still not sure how to describe where I am now... but that has never stopped me from trying, has it?

Marriage Equality.

I was on the wrong side of the issue in regards to Prop 8 in 2008, even though I was not in California, I still blogged my support of "traditional marriage" on this here blog.  And it was a slow process of compassion and stepping out of my paradigm in other areas that helped me realize how narrow minded I was back then.

When I read Health at Every Size (and it changed my entire outlook) I was bulldozed by the vast amount of research that had gone it to it. I was amazed that Linda Bacon had worked against the grain to reveal what the research was saying about "fat" even when it benefited no one's pockets.

I loved her story of confronting one professor when the government task force lowered the threshold for what was considered 'obesity'. She said they got it wrong. Her professor said do your research and see what you would come up with. She DID, and realized that if we are even going to use the flawed BMI that the definition of 'obesity' needs to be raised not lowered.  A small group of government officials all with some connection to the diet industry made millions of Americans 'obese' overnight.

Linda has gone on to show through thorough research (not backed by any diet company) that healthy behaviours NOT weight loss are what matter.  And you know what touched me the most as I have watched her work, seen her be absolutely harassed by peers, ignored by professional organizations, treated as Galileo did when he said the world was round, and lambasted in comments...

she is not fat.

She is not technically part of the group that she is doing so much to help. She admits to having 'thin privilege' and she recognizes that her message would be even tougher for opponents to swallow if she herself was fat.
She has still taken on this issue and is one of the most compassionate individuals to a demographic that she is not a part of.

Then I read her bio and learned she is gay and has a son with her partner.  How come she is so understanding of my life and I was against her lifestyle? It made me think.

How could marriage equality hurt me?

it can't.

Every argument that I have heard against it doesn't hold water:

Fighting gay marriage does not "protect the constitution"
Supporting gay marriage does not condone incest or pedophilia.
It does not threaten your religion or practice thereof.

I agree with Stossel on marriage:

"When did states setting the terms of exchange become an expression of right to contract? The only rights-based approach would be states to stop setting the rules of marriage at all. Sadly we just get a stronger but fairer state."

I wish the state would get out of the marriage business. Marriage should be a private contract. Legal issues that marriage raises --like inheritance, alimony, visitation rights in hospitals -- can be handled through voluntary contracts between consenting adults. from here

I think for those staunchly opposed a few thoughts come to my mind:

- Have you been close to someone in your life who is gay?  Do you realize the struggles they are up against?
-Do you realize that being gay is NOT a choice. BYU professor on Biological Origin of Homosexuality
- In Maslow's Hierarchy of needs Love is third on the list of essentials for life! Asking celibacy of those who are gay or that they have relationships with those they are not attracted to is very damaging to the human psyche.

And I became embarrassed how vehemently my church fights to deny marriage rights to others.

Interesting since we spent the early part of our church history trying to fight the government to practice marriage the way we thought was right.

I think our rhetoric is damaging and unnecessary. If our idea of the plan of salvation hinges on free agency then we need to stop fighting to take agency away from others. I am so saddened by the sheer volume of resources that went into Prop 8 by our church. Phone banks, money, time etc. I know some church members here in Texas donated LARGE sums of money.

And don't even get me started on Boy Scouts.  It is just wrong. If a willing man wants to teach my son valuable life skills I don't care one iota if he is gay.  And kicking out boys themselves from scouting because they identify as gay? so wrong. And sad.

I hope I live to see the hysteria subside. Marriage rights to become equal and hopefully even full open arms from the Church to gay individuals.

I am a trained Occupational Therapist, I was taught to expect a spectrum in ALL areas of human identity and behavior - from reading, walking, gross motor skills, etc. Why was I so judgemental for so long that sexual identity would be any different? I am fat and I'm not sure why. That is very hard for people to grasp - they want to blame my behaviors right off the bat. I don't know why some people are gay. But you know what - its ok. I am ok being fat - they are ok being gay.

"In the latter half of the 20th century these frames were challenged by gay rights and fat rights advocates. Within these movements, the words “gay” and “fat” had similar purposes. They were intended to depathologize what medicine called “homosexuality” and “obesity,” by asserting that different sexual orientations and body sizes were both inevitable and largely unalterable, and that being gay or fat was not a disease.

Over the past few decades, gay rights activists have had great success challenging what 50 years ago was the standard medical view that “homosexuality” constituted a disease. By contrast, fat rights activists still deal with a public health establishment that continues to reflect and replicate profound cultural prejudices when it advocates ineffective cures for an imaginary illness....

The extent to which either one’s sexual orientation or one’s weight are chosen states is minimal. With rare exceptions, people cannot intentionally alter either their sexual orientation or their weight in a long-term way. Given all this, to label same-sex orientation or higher than average body weight as diseases stigmatizes those who are so labeled to no purpose, other than to express disapproval of deviance from social norms to which the stigmatized cannot adhere." -Paul Campos

From a great article here: Anti-obesity the new homophobia

I don't know what this means for eternity. I have stopped being so sure of knowing any of that. But I know two men or two women being happy together doesn't bother me one bit.

Now one man with his 55 wives? that... yeah that kind of stings.

If you are still with me and will go a little further, this blog says it all much better than I could here

How to be a sort of traditional Mormon defending non-traditional marriage

and:

http://www.mormonsformarriageequality.org/

 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 1John 4:7

** This blog post makes mention of my health at every size aka HAES journey ... that started here and I can't very well leave this without once again recommending the book - everyone should read it but especially if you identify with ever having "struggled with your weight" Its on amazon here!

Drop the "y".

I was going to blog about the pretty bad case of antenatal depression that I am dealing with and usually do deal with in the refractory period between begging for death nausea and actually being able to function in my life. But that post may never get written. Its depressing - imagine that, depression can be depressing? So I thought I'd return to a topic that motivates me... natural childbirth, nah not today.... circumcision... nah, but check out this abridged version of a very well made documentary on the subject: Cut the film ... the podcasts there are also excellent.

Today it will be HAES...

While in my fog a lot has been moving and shaking in the HAES world.  Georgia put up fat shaming billboards with child actors. Which claimed problems that none of the children actually had problems with. The HAES community with Ragen's organizing raised 20,000 dollars to produce a counter ad campaign with body positive messages. Even people who make a living off of shaming fat people (Jillian Micheals) was appalled by the campaign and said "let me be clear, shaming children is never the solution for any problem"... shocking I know... since shaming adults is a perfect career for her.

Another actor was digitally altered and put on fat shaming billboards without his permission claiming he had diabetes and amputation of his leg from it. Neither of which was true.

Don't even get me started on Carnie Wilson's second weight loss surgery.  The weight loss surgery industry is booming. Shame sells. (PS. this was the rage inducing line I read though : "A representative for Allergan, the maker of the LAP-BAND System®, told ABC News that the company is compensating Carnie Wilson to be a media spokesperson."  excuse me while I scream into a pillow

Weight loss surgery industry again makes the claim that weigh loss surgery cures diabetes.. was the study of enough surgery recipients for long enough time to be valid? NO. And of course your glucose will be low in the immediate period after surgery. You are LITERALLY starving. You are, that is how the stomach amputation works. Does it last 5, 10, 15 years? I don't know research there is sketchy. Complications however are well documented, just not easily accessible. And how about they talk about why they use medical problems such as diabetes to get funding for the surgery but are cutting on people all the time who are metabolically healthy with NO diabetes,NO high blood pressure, etc. and they themselves will say not a thing was wrong with me but I was fat.

Disney added a new feature at Epcot under the direction of Blue Cross Blue Shield where thin heroes "Cali-stenics" fought bad guys with ummm you guessed it fat bodies - like Glutton and lead bottom.  Because the happiest place on earth should come with a dose of fat shaming?  An outcry was almost immediate and the exhibit has been taken down for re-tooling, hopefully that means taken out back to the trash dumpster. As Dr. Yoni Freedhoff put it:

"So thanks for being so helpful Disney - I mean if your kid's not overweight or obese, here's to Disney reinforcing society's most hateful negative obesity stereotyping, and if they are overweight or obese - what kid doesn't want to be made to feel like a personal failure while on a Disney family vacation?"

The world went NUTS over Paula Deen's announcement of her type II diabetes. Paula Deen has no moral imperative with the world to share her medical history no more than the chef at your favorite restaurant does. She cooks food on TV, doesn't force feed it to you and you can make the recipes or not. Being mad that her food is not healthy is kind of silly. She is not Micheal Pollan and shouldn't have to be. If Paula Deen is enemy number one then the Pioneer Woman should be right up there with the Devil himself.

(now Paula peddling a diabetes med, that I am NOT a fan of.  see above for Carnie peddling weight loss surgery with compensation while saying "its about health")

Some other thoughts on Paula Deen:
-you don't know how she eats. Just because you have watched her show a few times doesn't mean you know what her diet or exercise habits are.
-even if you did, research isn't conclusive about what causes diabetes.
-some people could TRY their whole lives to get diabetes, work every possible unhealthy lifestyle choice and they won't get it. You know why? because its much more complicated than we think. But its easy to judge when we think we know.

which leads me to what I really wanted to talk about...

I got accused of not taking things like diabetes seriously from someone because I am a Heatlh at every size advocate. So I thought once again I'd try to clarify what Health at Every size means to me since it seems to confuse folks:

I was reading this post the other day with some critical claims about why Health at Every size should go mainstream but probably won't. (I disagree) And there was a comment from Dr. Burgard that was a hammer to the nail moment for me:

It is HEALTH, not HEALTHY, at Every Size, and we do not contend that people of all weights are always healthy, or that everyone is always at their healthiest weight. There are pathological processes which result in weight displacements, up or down. HAES focuses on preventing/treating those processes. 


We are so accustomed to believing that pursuing weight loss is good, we fail to demand data for it, and instead demand data that it's "not good" - but you can't prove a negative. The burden of proof is on people who are proposing an intervention to change weight, to show that it is safe and effective - not at 6 months out, but at 2, 5, 10 years out. 


It does not help people to feel that their lives are on hold until their bodies are "acceptable." It does not help people to engage in temporary and unsustainable efforts to become "acceptable." It does help people for all bodies to be deemed not just acceptable, but precious and worthy of care. That means sick bodies, fat bodies, starved bodies, "ugly" bodies, less functional or mobile bodies. The bodies that we pathologize are the homes of people we are making sicker and less able to participate in the world. That is a pathological practice that we can change.

That! That is exactly it.

Health at every size means just that - every single person at whatever body size they are has a right to respect and the pursuit of happiness and health. It's not a blanket statement that everyone is healthy at any size.
"Healthy" is a difficult thing to achieve or measure and self worth is not negated when you are not "healthy". You can be healthy and unhealthy across the entire spectrum of body sizes.  Being Healthy or not is society's new elitism. And in that ball of mess, dieting, even if masking as a new lifestyle choice, has gotten a voice of reason that it does NOT deserve.

Dieting may be leading you further away from health and mental stability.  Dieting has a poor track record. 95% failure rate. And complications from weight cycling are documented.

So the message is simple to me - Healthy practices are valid - exercise, whole foods, a variety in your diet, mostly plants, etc.
But those healthy practices don't lose validity if they don't make you skinny.

There is no wrong way to have a body, therefore there is no right way to hate your body.  
from here

Video response to Biggest loser.

Biggest Loser Australia's theme this season is "Love Yourself" which means love yourself AFTER you've lost weight. The commercial is a wonderful example of exploiting other's pain for your financial gain. It saddens me.


The Amazing Ragen who blogs here, organized this video response! Its so very awesome and Kyle and I are in it:

true story...

I thought it would be interesting to write a series about the strange things that have happened to me.

I had a few ideas bumbling around in my head but then this happened to me last night and I thought I'd write about it first.

Unfortunately its sad.

Kyle and I made a late night run to Albertons to stock up on some of the deals they had - and halfway through I had to ummm... go #2...

Its the bane of my existence.  Needing to poop while out shopping.

My sister always says if I am constipated I just need to go to walmart.

(for Kyle its bookstores) LOL

Anyway Albertson's bathroom at almost 11 pm is kind of creepy so I was aware of my surroundings you might say when someone walked in to the stall next to me.

And their feet stayed facing the toilet for quite sometime.

I thought..

HOLY CRAP.

I'm in the men's bathroom.

Then I heard a familiar heart breaking sound.... gagging... followed by vomiting.

completely silent vomiting. and there was 4 rounds of it.

very quiet gagging then silent vomiting.

whoever she was next to me...

she was making herself throw up.

It made me so sad.

I left the stall and washed my hands. And went to leave but I couldn't.

I said

Are you ok?

"I'm fine just a little sick"

Then my hands started shaking and I debated in my mind but said this even though I wasn't sure if I should:

"If you are doing that to yourself, Please I beg of you - get help."

she didn't respond. she didn't deny anything.

and I quietly left.


I met Kyle at checkout and saw the usual magazine covers... and thought how sad the whole situation is. Can a daughter of God with that much self hate, and self injury reach her full potential?

If you wonder why body image, self esteem, and size acceptance is important to me - This story is another reason why.

true story.

Weight watchers... doesn't work, just to clarify.

"somebody's got to say its not ok."

Too many people have their hopes and dreams hitched to a perfectly thin version of themselves in their mind and if we dare unhitch that train we take away all hope.

HAES seems to frequently be met with opposition from the very people who would benefit vastly from learning more about it.

The most basic explanation of HAES seems like the "throw in the towel club"

And that makes many people come unglued at the seams. 

Say "diets don't work" and people are like this

And then they get all but, but, but, but .... don't you realize:

Fat is unhealthy.

I just need to get to a "healthy weight."

face palm.

HAES seeks peace in body acceptance and health practices that will actually make you healthier - not smaller.

"But weight watchers works."

"Weight watchers has worked well for me - I lost 10,25, 40 lbs when I did it in the past."

"Its not a diet its a lifestyle change."

"Jenny Craig helped: filling in whatever celebrity endorsement here."

Weight watchers is good at helping people lose weight for a a little while.

 It is NOT maintained weight loss.

Only about 2 out of a thousand maintain weight loss with weight watchers and they were NOT fat to begin with and they only lost a small amount of weight:

excerpt from this fab post:

Each year only about 6% of Weight Watchers members (give or take) reached their goal weight (presumably 94% failed).

Now before you get all impressed with Weight Watcher’s 6% success rate, let’s step back. For one thing, the successful 6% weren’t so fat in the first place. The 2001 study says that most were between a BMI of 25-30 (i.e. “overweight” but not “obese” – to use definitions I find silly). The 2007 abstract says the average starting BMI for that study was 27 – which is well below the average Weight Watchers participant. So in order to achieve goal weight the average lifetime member probably had to lose less than 10 lbs and would have to include a lot of people who had even less to lose.

It turns out only 3.9% of the golden 6% were still at or below goal weight after 5 years. By my calculations that means 3.9%*6.3% = 0.24% or about two out of a thousand Weight Watchers participants who reached goal weight stayed there for more than five years.

When you hear diet drug claims that they “double” weight loss – it’s probably true – they probably had a study where their 2 lb weight loss doubled the average of 1 lb weight loss.

Which is why a popular topic for weight loss researchers to write about these days is whether “unrealistic weight loss expectations” matter. This is code for “should we feel guilty about the fact that when we talk about ‘success’ we’ve come to mean something completely different from what the public’s been duped into thinking we mean?”

I have a two-word answer: informed consent. 

(end of excerpt)

do you really know what you are getting into when you join weight watchers or the see who can lose the most weight at work competition?

What if there was really truth in advertising about diets:

from here

Why do we call it the “weight loss industry” when what we really get for our time, sacrifice, and money is weight cycling? 19 times out of 20, what we are really purchasing is the experience of weight loss and regain.

Imagine if we called it the “weight cycling industry,” and “weight cycling programs.”  Would you participate in Weight Cyclers at work?  Buy food from NutriCycle?  Hire a trainer from the Biggest Weight Cycler?

Because that is what we are doing, folks.  Better face the facts:  Of 100 people trying to lose weight, the vast majority of people will regain weight. Some significant group – perhaps a third – will gain more weight than they lost.  Some tiny number (7? 5? 3?)  will maintain their weight loss, and of that group, some number from 0-4 of them will be flirting with, developing, or fortifying an eating disorder.  Yes, you read me right.

(end of excerpt)

this can be a very, very difficult pill to swallow. Being fat carries such huge bags of shame that people will do almost anything to rid themselves of that shame.

A lifetime of tugging at clothes, wishing you looked different, trying and trying and trying to be thinner is hard to let go of just because someone says "be happy just the way you are!"

But I do implore you to consider learning more about HAES especially if you are thinking about a new years diet.

This year consider giving up.

But only on the diets! NOT ON YOURSELF.

If you have any plans of what you will do when you do lose "the weight" Please, Please make 2012 the year that you DO IT ANYWAY.

Drive past weight watchers. Don't pool your money at work.

Instead take that dance class. Get a massage. Go on a date. Take that vacation. Whatever it is you daydreamed about the "thin-you" doing - GO DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

Struggling with the "thin-you" waiting to break out? read this:

The fantasy of being thin.

And can we stop doing this to our children? This is at the play area of willow bend mall.

It made my blood boil.

Not only that body shaming starts so young it was in a place that should be a carefree area of play.

And worst of all there was an ACTUAL damn scale. Like truly find out how much you weigh.

(it was broken - thank goodness)

it even looks like Taz is teasing you.

we start our body shaming young these days.

Want to really do something great for your health:

Please click on the labels below to read all my posts about Health at every Size.

What if you really did throw it away?

This is the one area of body acceptance that I have very much struggled with.
I've worked hard to accept my body just the way it is - but I always have that number in the back of my head. I generally do know how much I weigh.
I took the scale out of the bedroom but I couldn't get rid of it so I slid it under the dresser and would take it out on random days and despite the pep talk I gave myself, I would still use that number to beat myself up the rest of the day. Nothing else is quite as quantitative and unkind: I'm fatter than I was X days ago. Who-hoo I lost X lbs. At least I'm skinnier than her. Oh man I probably weigh 50 lbs more than.... on and on and on... If anyone can weigh themselves with completely neutral or  positive thoughts my hats off to them.


I put certain weights that I've been at in my life on pedestals.

The weight I was the day I married.

The weight I was before my first positive pregnancy test.

The weight I've gained in pregnancies.

The most weight I've lost after a pregnancy.

The weight before the wreck that birth control pills, depo provera and nuva ring did to my body.  That nuva ring almost killed me.

I play little games to congratulate myself:

How much I weigh in relation to my menstrual cycle...

How much I weigh in relation to Kyle...

Did I weigh with clothes, without clothes, wet hair, dry hair, first thing in the morning....

The mental games get kind of ridiculous.

Does it matter what I weighed in 1999, why is a stat from that year dictate how I feel today?  If I am bloated does that mean I should be extra depressed today too?  I started wondering after reading HAES, what would I be like if I really truly didn't know my weight?  I even started wondering about my children - If I balk at the BMI testing at school when does weighing have benefits and not have benefits?

At the premiere of America the Beautiful - there was a question and answer session with the director Darryl Roberts and the lead therapist at a Eating Disorder treatment center - the eating disorder facility was promoting the film tour.

I asked:

"As a mother, what is my responsibility in regards to weighing my children? How often should it be done and for that matter, how often should I weigh myself?"

What she said was refreshing but still a little shocking:

"I think we'd all be better off if we NEVER weighed. - there are times in our history and present cultures that do not weigh themselves at all. There are far more risks to our psyche from fretting about our weight than risks to not knowing what that number is."


Since her answer I have daydreamed about a life where I never knew what I weighed and it seemed rather refreshing to think about.
How much sadness have I let wash over me on the days where I felt thinner and the scaled disagreed. What if I had just walked out of my bedroom that morning feeling thinner? I would have been in a better mood - done more things with a kick of self confidence instead of sulking in to my kitchen berating myself.

If I had never gotten into the habit of weighing would I compare Janie after five kids to Janie the day she married and feel like a failure? Probably not.

I have even daydreamed about a child - never in its life weighed! can you imagine?

A birth announcement that says - a beautiful baby boy/girl has entered our life.  And outdated growth charts and body size percentiles politely declined at each dr. appointment?

The only two situations that I can possibly think of needing to know weight:

1. failure to thrive in an infant/ child - there are markers that would be present that would indicate taking accurate weights is needed. A child not adequately nourished will have more symptoms than just weight loss: lethargy, decreased urine/stool, etc... As for my babies there is pretty accurate information that they are putting on weight - I'm putting up too small clothes by week 2 of their little lives.

2. Medication dosage based on weight.  I can see the need for this. But you can request that you are weighed and not told the number.   Though in general I have asked about this issue MANY times with different health care professionals and I have been told it doesn't matter. Take advil for instance - for children its by weight but not for adults, ballpark I weigh almost twice the amount of my good friend - but by the bottle of advil we take the same dosage? I ask the doctor should I take more? and I get chuckled at - "no you're fine" and the question mark remains over my head
In c-sections for fat moms there is documented evidence that not enough antibiotics are administered and it leads to higher prevalence of infections. So, moms are told they have to know their weight for medication purposes but then don't adjust the levels of medicine anyway.



My guide to letting go of "that" number:

Decide the personal pros/cons of not knowing your weight:

-Does weighing yourself make you happy? Are you psychologically benefiting from knowing?  Could you find other indicators to track your health if that motivates you? Clothes size/fitting? How you feel? energy level?

- Are you demonstrating misplaced values to your children, specifically your daughters by weighing frequently and your subsequent mood? Eating disorders often start with frequent self weighing and body snarking.

- Are you aware of all the facets to body size that are not in your control? Or are you beating yourself up for the number that stares back at you? If something tells you daily that you are a failure its a relationship that needs to end.

- Do you give up on exercise routines that don't deliver at the scale? Instead of finding exercise that you enjoy and will do for fun?

-How often do you say - I did it (fill in the blank... triathlon, marathon, diet, etc.) but then say " but the weight came back!" - Basically taking away your feeling of accomplishment because the number didn't stay in the happy zone.



HOW TO STOP:

1. Throw away the scale, or give it to goodwill, but I rather enjoy daydreaming of a modern world without them.

2. Decide now that actual markers of health - mental, social, spiritual, nutritional will be your markers of importance and not your body size or weight.

3. The short time you spent stepping up on that thing instead face yourself mentally or in the mirror and say "Darling you look marvelous"

4. Do not let the school weigh your children. And discuss with your pediatrician options to avoid the scale at well visits. I understand most mothers will find comfort in knowing their child's weight - so that is a personal decision. But I would implore mothers and fathers to not discuss your concerns about your child's body in front of them. They are children and deserve to not give things vastly out of their control time and mental stress. Trust me that if their body size is out of the bell curve either below or above society will point that out enough for them.

5. At the doctors for yourself, cue jaws theme... this may take the most chutzpah of all, here is a sample script when the nice medical assistant walks you to the scale:

"I am sorry I don't weigh, you can write "patient declines" in my chart - if the doctor prescribes medicine that you need my weight for I'll come back out here."

"I am here for a sore throat, my weight doesn't need to be taken its irrelevant"

"I suffer from body image difficulties I'd prefer not to weigh."

or there is always the simple when they gesture to the scale: "no thank you"

If you have an un-supportive doctor then they are not very forward thinking and I'd take my business elsewhere.  After I recommended they read Health at Every Size.

Don't let the bully take up anymore space in your bathroom or your life!


also interesting was the three keys to success that the therapist outlined for people that did heal from an eating disorder, she said all three needed to be present:

* They stop weighing themselves. (she emphasized that the prevalence of eating disorders would slow if we never started this trend to begin with.)
* They journal their progress and feelings.
* They seek out another person during stressful times instead of disordered past patterns (calorie restriction, over-exercise, binging, or vomiting)

a few of my favorite things:

from postsecret

For your curls:
Curly Girl the book
High Quality Hair Sticks

For your face:
Oil cleansing method - I've been washing my face with castor oil and olive oil and my acne has dramatically improved!

For your self esteem:
Health at Every Size
Lessons from the Fatosphere, Quit dieting and make a truce with your body.

For your wallet:
You need a budget software
The tightwad gazette
The total Money Makeover

For your birth:
Birth Matters, A midwife's manifesta by Ina May Gaskins
More of the Business of Being Born the four part sequel to the original Business of being born.

For Breastfeeding:
Ina May's guide to breastfeeding


For your body:
Cute clothes for the beautiful fat ladies...
(I am so tired of being jealous of shabby apple dresses.)

Land's End has very high quality Plus size clothes
Igigi has fabulous high end dresses
Torrid has great and sexy clothes
Junonia has WORKOUT clothes!

For your ears:
Adele


For your kitchen:
Great Depression Cooking with Clara
My favorite kitchen gadget of the year : Disposal Genie


For your blog:
I have loved getting my blog printed by year here: Cutest Blog on the Block

Words matter.

Words matter. Words become labels, and labels become stigmas.

Wonderful article on the misuse of the word epidemic when it comes to obesity.

• We are not getting as "FAT" as they claim. (they being the government, news sources and the weight loss industry bankrolling the aforementioned.) 
• We have as a whole increased about one dress size since the 70's - which by the way correlates with the introduction of subsidized corn and high fructose corn syrup.
• We are also getting taller and our feet are bigger but that isn't freaking people out.
• I don't know about you but when I look around there is still pretty much a bell curve - most in the middle some on the super end of thin (like most of my past roommates) and some on the super end of fat. - That's me, I'm morbidly obese, though as Stephen Colbert says I prefer the term cheerfully obese. In a room of about a hundred there are two or three people my size. Not the sea of fatties that the news would want you to think.
• Despite the obesity epidemic fraud life expectancy is still higher than it ever has been and heart disease is decreasing.
• The statistics of disease caused by obesity is BAD science. They are only looking at correlating factors. Things that happened around the same time as fat increasing.  But the fat may be caused by the disease itself not the other way around. How many women are not treated for PCOS or thyroid issues because a medical professional sees a woman with 'bad' habits that need to be improved without actually asking about her habits. 
• And it doesn't answer the fact that the majority of fat people are not riddled with disease and thin people also suffer from high blood pressure, diabetes, fibromyalgia, and heart disease. So if being fat doesn't always cause it and being thin doesn't always prevent it. Can we for the LOVE... make healthcare size neutral? 
• Rarely talked about is the obesity paradox - the fact that there are some health benefits to fat.

You know what the real epidemic is?

STIGMA

There are studies of cultures where fat is not pathologized or stigmatized and there are no correlating factors between fat and disease.

Fighting obesity is not a fight we should be participating in.

What I hope fat people remember is that whether people are making the mistake of confusing weight and health because they are well intentioned or because it’s incredibly profitable for them, it’s still a mistake; and even if a million people are screaming a myth at the top of their lungs that doesn’t make it the truth, no matter how powerful or credentialed they might be.

Our weight is not a barometer for anything  – not for our health, value, intelligence, abilities, or anything else. From looking at our size, people can determine our size, and what their prejudices and preconceived notions about people of our size are.  Anything else they think they know is just them making stuff up in their heads based on those prejudices and preconceived notions.  That’s not our fault, though it does become our problem.
-from here

When we wage a war on obesity. We are essentially saying:

No one wins. Fat people no matter their habits healthy or not are told they are WRONG. And thin people become ever more afraid of getting fat. And those that do not have healthy habits are ok as long as they are thin.

Its not just about the fact that 95% of dieters fail - a large percentage of those dieters will weigh MORE than when they started restricting their diet.

So next time you are considering dieting or putting your child on a diet - you may tell yourself  "we'll be the five percent - we will beat this..." think of it this way:

The trouble is that this isn’t about being proficient at a skill (dieting), this is about our health. If Viagara worked 5% of the time and 95% of guys who took it became LESS able to get erections, I seriously doubt that we would be telling guys to keep taking it and just try harder.  
From here: The five percent


** PS. I met Ragen in person this weekend and the director to this documentary - it is still screening in Dallas through tomorrow - go see it especially if you are interested in HAES. Its a whole nother blogpost in and of itself! Ragen is the dancer in the preview :





please also take the poll I have up if you have a second.


** while writing this post the news reported that Rapper Heavy D died, no cause of death yet but most are blaming his weight - through the years he has fluctuated his weight by 100 pounds, some are saying he recently lost another 100 pounds. My mind has to wonder if he had accepted his body and healthy intuitive eating instead of dieting what would be? who knows but I shudder to think of the mean things that will be said and reported.

Weight Loss Surgery at Baylor

A fat person who loves the skin they are in is dangerous to a consumerist system. 

excellent article on Psychology today - why loving your body is dangerous

so this came in the mail the other day and I didn't want to read it, but I did. 

And it made me soooooo mad.

first... cute pun on words - I mean, not "she's healthier" (because that would be a lie) but her 'weight' is over. What does that mean - she doesn't weigh anything at all anymore??

but anyway to the meat of the pseudo-article:

First off all three women had surgery in 2010.  Notice this trend those of you considering WLS. Of all the advertising I've seen of WLS recipients the longest time since surgery has been 3 years. Notice they don't show you people 5, 10, 15, 20 years post surgery. That wouldn't sell. Even though the articles says gastric bypass is the oldest, most established surgical procedure... oh really then how about you show someone who had it 10, 20, 30 years ago?

Even the industry admits to having a hard time tracking patients long term - that is attributed that to the fact that many are embarrassed at re-gain and stay away.

THIS IS A HUGE MONEY-MAKING INDUSTRY, With profit margins so high they have almost everyone in their back pocket including the government agencies that should be regulating them and making them include truth in advertising.

truth in adverstising - Oh I make myself laugh.

the following info from the article is in red - response information is mostly from here

"Weight Loss Surgery can improve your quality of life and extend your life expectancy" says Andre Graham, MD

Your bologna has a first name Dr. Graham...

 4.6% of patients die after having bariatric surgeries just within the first year. Most bariatric patients are women of childbearing age and such high surgical risks are not found in any other elective procedure done on such young patients, regardless of their size.

U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers in the June 2004 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that since 1999, the prevalence of obesity and extreme obesity, and hence any deaths “associated” with obesity and extreme obesity in our country, have increased in actual percentages only 0.1% and 0.4%

“Certainly there is no steady increase in mortality with increasing overweight,” according to Dr. Ernsberger and Paul Haskew in a comprehensive review of more than 400 papers in the Journal of Obesity and Weight Regulation. In fact, most show fatness especially as we age, to be particularly favorable for longevity.

also from the advertisement: 

Obesity is linked with high cholesterol and triglycerides, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, sleep apnea, menstrual irregularities, reflux, incontinence, depression, back and joint pain.

Well I am glad that in this particular advertisement they chose the word "linked" instead of caused by... because the big picture is being missed here. Thin people have those conditions too, as well as people long term after WLS. Correlation is not causation - I've already covered that bag of worms here. And the improvements that are seen after surgery are due to changes that could have been made without the risk.

Then there was this lovely quote by Sina Martin, MD: 

"For every pound you lose, you gain days of your life."

this is such a flaming bag of BS Dr. Martin, I don't even know where to start. -

By having bariatric surgery a woman increases her risk of dying 45-fold.

Meanwhile, women even just 100 pounds over “ideal” weights are lining up for these surgeries with no idea just how much they’re risking their lives. And parents are signing on the dotted line for their teenage daughters.

More than 8,000 Americans — mostly young women — lost their lives last year from a procedure they were told offers them their only hope for survival. Yet, all of these women would likely still be alive a year later had they not had the surgery.

These surgeries aren’t about saving lives!

Then my ultimate favorite quote was this one:

"So many people think surgery is dangerous and you shouldn't do it until everything else has failed, " Says Frank Felts MD on staff at Baylor. "Weight loss surgery needs to be considered frontline mainstream treatment for weight loss."

what a stupid statement Dr. Felts: 

1. ANY surgery especially under general anesthesia is dangerous - you idiot.

2. What is that statement mean anyway? You don't answer the concern of so many people - Yes many people consider the surgery dangerous - well is it or is it not? 

When I read it to Kyle he said its like saying "So many people think being shot is dangerous." You think by stating the obvious you discredit common sense?

3. WLS surgery should be frontline. Lets for a minute think that accepting healthy behaviors, not caring about your weight and changing society's views of beauty are useless goals (which I don't consider to be the case) and pretend that weight loss is the pinnacle of health.

YOU THINK THAT BYPASSING YOUR STOMACH SHOULD BE THE FRONTLINE TREATMENT????

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?


DR. FELTS???

did you take the Hippocratic oath? First do no harm.

the analogy of "frontline" is the first attack in battle. You think the FIRST THING someone should consider/do for weight loss is to surgically alter their body?

un.freakin. believable.

Want to read some sobering information about weight loss surgery go here: 

http://obesitysurgery-info.com

Or here.

  

A study headed by Dr David Flum in Washington which analyzed the case histories of 62,000 gastric bypass patients, found that within the first 30 days after surgery, the death rate had been 1 death every 50 surgeries.  This was considerably higher than even the worst estimate.  Dr Flum commented on CNN news that it was time for "a reality check on this surgery"

"The ethical haze surrounding bariatric procedures is not unknown in surgery, said Laurence B. McCullough, PhD, a professor of medicine and medical ethics at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas."


** funny that quote is also from Baylor - guess they've gotten over the moral dilemma.


_________________________________________________________
now for some humor on the subject:

The Colbert Report
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