off my chest... LDS & birth control....edited to add

**note.
This post came at the time from very hurt feelings of mine. I have always expected raised eyebrows for our family size from people. But people in my own faith questioned me quite often even teasing me. I felt if there was power to be had in what we believed people of my own faith would understand my family size. And this was written out of that pain. I am sorry to those who's feelings I hurt.

I will be posting pics of Benjamin's Birthday party soon so if this potentially controversial post doesn't suit you please ignore it.

my mom rocking her baby bump and tattoo

my parents at their wedding unsuspecting of me the honeymoon baby to be

me and my daddy and stellar fake wood panelled walls

Me and my Me-maw Janie (who lovingly thought breastfeeing was deesgusting)

After, correct that, during my pregnancy with Cora I was SURE we were done. I told everyone Kyle was getting the big "SNIP" and I reminded him frequently. I got a card for a urologist from my OB. I carried that card in my wallet. I considered a tubal ligation, but read that in some women it can cause symptoms of morning sickness because the body interprets the ligation wrong. I was considering permanent measures so I would never, ever again have to experience morning sickness.

There were the sly comments from many (even family) like "you're done now right? right??"

And during the pregnancy I felt peace about being done. But I was also feeling a baby kicking inside of me so I think I was riding on hormone fumes.

Then Cora was born and the pregnancy behind me didn't seem as daunting as I had thought. And my heart was slowly softened to the concept of letting God and our libido be in charge of what spirits would join our home. It took faith and prayer and advice of faithful sisters. Especially with unemployment stirred in there for fun.

And of course you know the result of that - an adorable little boy we call PJ who I can't possibly imagine him being in any other home but ours.

But what had me thinking about this topic this morning was how much taking a different path with my recent pregnancy has opened my eyes to what I feel are two growing evils in this world:

Modern Obstetrics and the devaluing of babies/big families.

After a pregnancy and childbirth with a midwife

I WANT TO TELL EVERY PREGNANT WOMEN I KNOW - GET A MIDWIFE!! Even for your hospital birth - Go to a midwife... take a real childbirth class not the stupid one the hospital offers, get a midwife, get a midwife, get a midwife, and maybe even a doula.

I can't tell you how many women have said to me things like

You were lucky - I HAD to have a c-section.

My body couldn't handle labor.

My body couldn't finish labor.

The baby couldn't handle the contractions.

My water broke and they would let me go any longer.

I would have died if I had been at home.

My baby would have died....

I give full appreciation to each sentiment. Every women's birth story is her story and I will not argue that. But my heart wonders. What would have happened if you had been with a midwife?

If you followed a brewer's diet would your blood pressure have been so high?

Would you have been induced?

Would the midwife have discouraged pitocin that would have left the baby unstressed?

Would she have been a support for you throughout all the labor instead of just barely darkening the door when you started to push?

Would her support have helped you go longer without the epidural that slowed your labor or made your labor go too fast bringing the baby down in a malposition?

Without the epidural could you have gotten into and hands and knees position that would have got the baby unstuck off of your pelvis and you wouldn't have needed that c-section?

Wonderful Blog article on the topic HERE

My anger is NOT AT ALL with moms - but with OB's.

They make decisions and cause so many interventions that lead to c-sections without thought to the lingering consequences for moms.

Because second to the above statements - I also hear sadness in the voice of those who's family size was directly affected by C-sections and OB's opinions.

"I'd love to have more, but the doctor said:

my uterus was see-though

my uterus was like saran wrap

my c-section scar was too thick, too weak, poorly positioned, etc.

the baby could kick right though my uterus if I got pregnant again

I think when a mom has two or three children the OB's have no problem whatsoever saying you should be done. I mean what would be the benefit to them to say its safe to have more children?

you:

a. already have children.

b. if you ask if there are risks - of course they would say yes, there are risks for every woman. Why should they say yes then you have more children and put them in a potential place of blame.

c. If they say there are risks in front of your husband then you can be pretty sure your family is done. Because what husband is going to be ok with any risk.

I am amazed at the women - friends and nurses and doctors who's options were limited by c-sections themselves so they persuade/bully other women into it too - making the woman feel guilty to consider more. All someone has to say to a questioning woman is "Yeah go ahead and leave the ones you have motherless so you can have one more!

What couple will ever have confidence with their decision?

I AM NOT SAYING THAT you should ignore your doctor. Just take into consideration that its like asking a butcher if you should be a vegan. Asking an OB if there are risks in another pregnancy. A person who sees the mostly bad of pregnancy all day and you'll almost always get a YES answer.

Yet... the women who go onto to get pregnant after the doctor has said "NO MORE OR YOU"LL DIE." surprisingly and I've known a few... have had safe pregnancies and deliveries.

But instead of the doctor saying - hmmm. you handled that just perfectly ... they say well you managed to live but really NO MORE, OR YOU REALLY WILL DIE this time.

What you decide about birth control for your family is up to you, your spouse and God. But OB's should stop getting to play God by telling all these women not to have more children.

I'll stop now and tell my mom's story since I believe this is the root cause of my passion on this topic.

My mom was told as a teenager she could not get pregnant. She was married once before my father. And she did not get pregnant.

Then she married my dad and almost instantly got very, very sick. Throwing up ALL THE TIME. sound familiar right?

she went to a doctor and told him she was sick and no its not pregnancy related because she is infertile. So they did tests, and x-rays and all that was available in 1977. And then they did gallbladder surgery because since she was still vomiting all the time that must be it right?

Well when they did the surgery and her gall bladder was fine they slowly put 2 and 2 together as they sewed her up. But to avoid liability didn't tell her (she found out later that the surgeon realized mid surgery that she was probably pregnant). They said "turns out its not your gallbladder - go see another doctor.

And she did and they did more tests and later that afternoon they called and said "Congrats" and she was like Huh? wha??

Congrats you're pregnant!

They estimated her at well past half the pregnancy by this point. and gave her a late September due date (but really they had no clue)

So about mid October they talked C-section. My mom was sad to never experience a contraction - she says she never even got to the point of having Braxton Hicks. I was born via c-section on October 19th - 6lbs 8ozs. COVERED in vernix. So thick that my mom says she was unprepared to see that and she was positive I was dead.

I was not over 2 weeks late - I was born, probably 2 or more weeks early.

She tried to breastfeed but says I drew blood and she swore never again. She still likes to joke about her aversion to breastfeeding. I don't mind too much. I know she had no support. I means who was breastfed in the 70's? - probably not a single nurse in the hospital did. My grandmother sure didn't and my great-grandmother was very vocal even once I started having children that only 'poor women' breastfeed.

I wish I could go back in time and help my mom. Bleeding cracked nipples are from poor latch - usually from early babies without the proper strength for a good latch.

Four years later my sister was born via repeat cesearean. And on the operating table my mom was coerced into tubal ligation, because you guessed it - her uterus was paper thin according to the OB.

I read her journal with permission, and she was devastated.

"To know I'll never feel another daughter or son of Heavenly Father in my earthly being hurts me to the core. But I love the little family Donnie and I have together."

I'll never forget her being by my side when I labored with Benjamin (pitocin induction, forceps near miss c-section) and she enjoyed my contractions in a strange way - saying I'll never know what that feels like.

Pay attention ladies, know your options, weigh the risks. Taking lightly the risks of not being prepared for labor and delivery will limit your options.

I think the way modern obstetrics are right now is a form of evil limiting family size in righteous homes.

My heart breaks for every woman told she should not have more children when her heart wants them.

and that leads me to the second thing I hear alot:

"whoo you have your hands full I couldn't handle that"

I think our own perfectionism is another form of evil, because our sanity rests on an ideal that is so hard to achieve we limit family size so we can "manage"

We have bigger and bigger houses but smaller and smaller families. We coddle our kids so much that the thought of more seems daunting.

I have no good response for "you have your hands full, I'd go crazy". I do have a messy house all the time, we don't do a sport or two for each kid year round. There are sacrifices. But I am not trading my family for a perfect house, more vacations, or even for more money in savings accounts.

When I get to the spirit world I'd rather be guilty that I had stained carpet (and for the many, many other reasons) than knowing a friend, a spirit that fought beside me in the pre-existence went somewhere else instead of to Kyle and I because we were afraid of more noise, less money, and more stains.

I am sad that I feel/hear the sentiment of "no more babies for me, no way" just as much in the Church as out of the Church. People talk about their husband's vasectomies, their tubals as if it was the most liberating moment of their life.

The no permanent birth control except in cases of jeopardized health and all of sudden all women have jeopardized health.

I AM NOT INTENDING TO OFFEND.

But I think of the tithing lessons and all sentiments about topics like that and how those statements could coordinate perfectly with family size but I don't hear that.

"It takes faith"

"God will provide"

"It will make you different from the world but you will be blessed for it"

How many women know the church's stand on birth control? I bet A LOT don't know. I didn't for a long, long time. In fact if we had gone into the decision after Cora without just a little more digging, I'd be regretting Kyle's vasectomy RIGHT NOW!!!

I am broken hearted to think of all the comments I made about "absolutely no more babies" when there are soooo many good women waiting for a baby in their arms. Have women longing for children overheard my crude remarks? If so I am sorry.

I borrowed these from this post I came across this morning: The LDS church stance on tubal ligation.

In the 2010 Church Handbook of Instructions (which has recently been put online) it says this about surgical sterilization as a form of birth control:

"The Church strongly discourages surgical sterilization as an elective form of birth control. It should be considered only if 1) medical conditions seriously jeopardize life or health or 2) birth defects or serious trauma have rendered a person mentally incompetent and not responsible for his or her actions. Such conditions must be determined by competent medical judgement and in accordance with law. Even then, the persons responsible for this decision should consult with each other and with their bishop and should receive divine confirmation of their decision through prayer. "

Prophet Spencer W. Kimball said,

"We marry for eternity. We are serious about this. We become parents and bring wanted children into the world and rear and train them to righteousness. We are aghast as the reports of young people going to surgery to limit their families and the reputed number of parents who encourage this vasectomy. Remember that the coming of the Lord approaches, and some difficult-to-answer questions will be asked by a divine Judge who will be hard to satisfy with silly explanations and rationalizations. He will judge justly, you may be sure."

Prophet Joseph Fielding Smith said,

"Now I wish to ask a question: How will a young married couple feel when they come to the judgement and discover that there were certain spirits assigned to them and they refused to have them? Moreover, what will be their punishment when they discover that they have failed to keep a solemn covenant and spirits awaiting this mortal life were forced to come elsewhere when they were assigned to this particular couple?"

I enjoyed reading the post almost as much as the comments. I still have a questioning mind on the subject. I am not against birth control completely. I am wary of anything permanent. I am considering taking a NFP class and in the mean time I am loving this app - to track fertility.

I am going to strive to be more faithful about what is and what may be. I am so thankful for a faithful husband who talks this topic out with me all the time. Because let me be honest its more than a little scary. Kyle always ends this frequent conversation with "you are the one who has to go through it" I'll give you all the babies that you want, but if you are done then we are done. We will be ok.

More evil than scalpel happy OB's are husbands who TELL a wife no more children, or insist on a big family. Its a tough decision that has to be made together in prayer.

your thoughts?

** My mom read this and said she regretfully agrees and does wish she could have had more children, but because of the way things happened we would have never had my adopted brother in our life and he taught her many things and blessed our lives.

I wanted to also say why I wrote this post- I left a nice comment, honestly it was nice on a blog of someone I don't know in person. She was saying she was done at four even though it hurt her heart to say that. I said well don't do anything permanent because you may revisit this topic later.

then she never approved my comment. so I thought I can put my thoughts on my own blog neener neener. This post is IN NO way directed at anyone I know in real life. for reals.