You'll always be older than me :)

Happy Birthday Babe!!

in honor of your birthday some quotes from your fav comedian Mitch Hedburg...

Have I ever said how much I love when you laugh really, really hard and you put your hand over your chest because you are laughing so hard. Even if its not at all funny to me, and even if I am totally in a bad mood I start laughing hysterically too. 

I can't help it.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn, because people honk the car horn too much. 3 honks, that's the limit. And then someone cuts you off, ffffft, you press your horn, nothing happens. You're like, "sh**! I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I wanna be a race car passenger - just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

I walked by a drycleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry, it's 3am and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked in at 3am and you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology."

I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."

I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

I saw a commercial that said, "forget everything you know about slip covers!" So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slip covers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

People ask me what words mean... they say, "what does 'composition' mean?" Some people would say, "put it in a sentence." But I need a little more. "Put it in a play."

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."

Every book is a children's book, if the kid can read!

My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No man, it's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we percieve it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "man, I should have just said 'yeah'."

I know a lot about cars, I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"

• I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again", because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up... please try again." A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.