Is this thing still on?

 Oh my my my, my twisted relationship with this blog, sigh. Long ago I started this with trepidation because is anything more annoying that navel gazing? Yes there is one thing: mommy navel gazing. Then despite that I promoted it, because hells bells, FRIENDS for a stay at home mommy. Then blogging led to reading and that led to listening and that led to learning and I had a major worldview change and lost said friends.  I found myself in different circles and as my babies left the breast, then my side I found a new stage of life. I abandoned this little thing of 1200 posts in a cradle of privacy on the internet. 

And here I am six something years later. I am a working mom back to the profession I started long ago with my firstborn in my belly. There’s a pandemic at hand and a midlife crisis in this soul I don’t actually believe in. I am no longer fretting over how to grow my young babes healthy I know a hell of a lot about birth and breastfeeding and find myself here on a random  weeknight searching evidence based dementia prevention. 

I hear those hearty babies playing a board game with their dad at the table rowdy and cursing, mentally sharp as a tack. Maybe because I’ve lost my mom and her sharp wit, maybe because my job forces me to the face the slow ravages mortal decay often, or maybe because the news has us all preoccupied with death and it’s daily numbers, or maybe because I can’t remember phone numbers as fast as I once could  ... I sit here contemplating what I’ll leave one day. Do I want the time I waste on technology to be a compendium of “likes” somewhere or words my loves, those babies can keep. 

I’m going to start writing again. I hope. This won’t be the community it was for me. Maybe now just a quiet place to self bloviate. 

And if you were wondering factors that contribute to dementia: 

 less education, hypertension, hearing impairment, smoking, obesity, depression, physical inactivity, diabetes, and low social contact. We now add three more risk factors for dementia with newer, convincing evidence. These factors are excessive alcohol consumption, traumatic brain injury, and air pollution

Day is done, gone the sun...

I'm pretty sure I'm letting the blog go guys. As soon as I've settled my thoughts I'm either deleting it or its going private. Its been a good thing in total. I made friends I wouldn't have otherwise. I lost some too. I recorded memories that I might not have without the blog.
The kids like looking back, I know Ella spend a good amount of time looking at old posts.

All told it does bring me some degree of embarrassment now. The navel gazing and all.


Before I close the door I thought it might be interesting to peruse over the posts that went unposted. There were over 50 drafts never published in my queue. Some became other posts or landed on other blogs. Some never did. So here they are - the first drafts that have sat in the corner. 

Just a bit more. 

for now.

4/13/06:

"Can't go to bed"

So last night I was putting yet another coat of paint on the bathroom walls and Benjamin busts in with blood on his face - I immediately sent him to Kyle thinking he had bust his nose. But it was his tooth - It was very close to coming out - which got Benjamin so excited - not about actually losing the tooth - its all about the money. In fact I have even caught Ella tugging on her teeth. When asked she replied "I want some money real bad!"

5/18/07:

"Don't embarrass me"

[Blank]

6/27/07

"Soundtrack of motherhood"

In a bummed out mood a few weeks ago I dusted off my CD case, pulled out two of my top five most fav CD's (Paul Simon's Graceland and Disc two of Janis Joplin's greatest hits) stole my sister's boombox took it to the bathroom, filled the tub and turned the volume to just shy of earthquake. IT WAS WONDERFUL... I used to be a music fiend, not in the skill department only in appreciation. I had a CD of some sort for every occasion and on my person pretty much at all times. From my first mixed tape which included Milli Vanilli I was hooked. My days usually consisted of lip synching in the shower, VH1 on all the time - back when they played music, then falling asleep to Enya. That is until giving birth. My music took a back seat to listening for the baby in case he cried, talking to the kids in the car, being the referee at home, Dora in the background, Laurie Berkner on road trips, and finally peace and quiet at the end of the day. Well since that bath with Janis the other week I have started to reclaim music. Other than CMT while cleaning the house - I've been missing something and didn't even notice.I've pulled more out, Beatles white album, Robert Earl Keen, Creedence, Duran Duran, Tim McGraw, and you know what? The kids are liking my music! - take that Dora - Then my awesome husband came home from work yesterday with the Essential Paul Simon set for me. It was better than jewelry. Its great to be loved and its really nice to dust off a little bit of the mommy every once in a while.

7/16/07:

"Fort Worth"

Meg, the awesome sister that she is offered herself for the weekend to watch the kids - so off we went to a romantic weekend in Fort Worth - It was so much fun.

10/12/07

"Take the keys away from your kid"

Or they'll go joyriding

10/26/07

"The World"

has to pay for a few idiots


2/20/08

"Why I blog"

"Mama used to roll her hair~Back before the central air~We'd sit outside and watch the stars at night~She'd tell me to make a wish~I'd wish we both could fly~Don't think she's seen the sky~Since we got the satellite dish" Lyrics to Levelland by Robert Earl Keen

3/4/08

"Crack and Rice"

Oh Mom, I love you! And I love the White beans and rice you made for my at Christmas, it was sad to be sick then, and not want any - but you so lovingly froze them for me.

3/18/08

"Cravings and Frustrations"

I am having

9/5/08

"DANG Sarah,"

[blank]

10/6/08

"OK"

so asking for volunteers scares everybody away... I get it.

10/11/08

"It's hard sometimes"

being so far away from family - Gram is in the ICU tonight - our prayers are with her.

11/4/08

"Ever try"

to remember everything you ate in the last 24 hours?

1/27/09

"Hey Lady!!"

[blank]

3/26/09

"Seesaw"

That is what I am lately, I swing from one extreme emotion to the next.

Gratitude
I have gained a new perspective from this job loss.  What has seemed crushingly difficult and emotionally painful has made me appreciate the little things and the HUGE things.
How grateful I am to have such a wonderful husband. He is loyal to me and our family. He works very, very hard to provide for us. How lucky I am that

5/26/09

"Bullets again"

There is too much I will sum up:

• Happy Birthday Meg!!!!!!!! We love you so much!
• Went to the lake yesterday - It became and unplanned party 

7/16/09

"update"

I really do have things to blog about in my own life, but I am too busy. I have been reorganizing and LOVING my re-decorated family room. I have been getting our family calendar on google calendar. BUT I had to get on here and tell you what I read in the paper this morning:

8/30/09

"Keeping it real"

so there is a blog thing going around where you post pics of your dirty house to prove you aren't perfect - I am going to twist things up a bit because most of you's dang well know I don't keep a very clean house. I could kill myself tryin - four kids, two adults, one dog, one cat - its just too much.
The efforts I think most about are finances and that is where I think my duty as a housewife pays off - literally. so here's to keeping it real - a view into our budget. What do you think - how do we compare?

** Disclaimer - most people don't openly share info about their finances - so be nice. I don't really understand completely why that is - do we care more about the allusion of our status than how the books actually balance?

bills
Tithing - won't tell that one because even though I'm for putting it all out there you don't need to know exactly how much we make - but trust us we pay our 10% GROSS
Fast Offering - 30.00 (honestly I am never sure here -I feel like that is generous for us now - but I'd love to give more - The fast offerings of others helped us in our darkest hours we want to repay the favor)
House

9/24/09

"Savin more money"

no more dropping off all dress shirts at dry cleaners - its all me now... turns out I've been ironing wrong:

10/19/09

"Say it ain't so"

You know what makes you feel old??
Getting the alumni catalog from here on your birthday and staring at all the baby faced freshman on the cover.

I flipped through quickly and saw the map for the Longwood of the future. The plans for expansion -making my college newer, fresher, more green, more cultural.

12/17/09

"UPDATED again"

Benjamin's team came in 2nd place in Art History


Ella came in 4th place overall in the Storytelling

5/17/11

"I get a little panicked at this time"

or in other words I get a little raw in this post

1/1/12

[title blank]

My boys are intact, and the only ones on both sides who are. I remember not long ago trying to explain circumcision to my daughter and oldest son (7 and 9) and they were HORRIFIED. My daughter kept asking "How could someone do that to a little baby?" So, I'm hoping this means the cycle is broken for good in this family. :)

1/11/12

"the thing is everything is reactionary"

I like "off the beaten path" pages on facebook:

5/3/12

"completely irrational thoughts"

So I feel strongly about my pet peeves. More than one should. And I am quite aware that they make no sense like these:

People that stay in the merge lane onto the interstate until the absolute last second even though they could have merged hours before.

Christian Rock Music. I just keep picturing Jesus saying (in my mom's voice) "Turn that crap off!!"

Gigantic Bows/ Flowers on baby girls heads. I LOVED the look before, now, not so much.

5/11/12

"Waiting..."

I had my

5/16/12

"Happy Birthday Benjamin"

Benjamin turned twelve today!


TWELVE

cough, cough. Time really does fly - they aren't lying. We have six more years until EIGHTEEN.


crazy talk I tell ya.


Benjamin is such a good kid. He started the year off in pre-ap math and did stuff I can't do with a calculator. Shoot stuff I can't do with google and two calculators. Then mid year he moved into pre-ap english, And he is one of the top AR readers in that class. His english teacher has been so impressed he is a teachers assistant in one of her other classes.


He really does read all the time. For his birthday I could not find a book that he hadn't already read.


If I had decided to homeschool I think I would be at a loss at this point in his education. Sad but true.


He is excelling at the Tuba or as we call it around here the tooooooo-ba.


I think Benjamin is one of those kids that is turning out awesome despite my skills as a mother not because of them.

8/22/12

"do we ever have an obligation to help make things better?"

“When I became convinced that the universe is natural; that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood, the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell, the dungeon was flooded with light, and all the bolts, and bars, and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world; not even in infinite space. I was free; free to think, to express my thoughts; free to live to my own ideal; free to use all my faculties, all my senses; free to spread imagination's wings; free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope; free to judge and determine for myself; free to reject all ignorant and cruel creeds, all the "inspired" books that savages have produced, and all the barbarous legends of the past; free from popes and priests; free from all the "called" and "set apart"
; free from sanctified mistakes and holy lies; free from the fear of eternal pain; free from the winged monsters of the night; free from devils, ghosts, and gods. For the first time I was free. There were no prohibited places in all the realms of thought; no air, no space, where fancy could not spread her painted wings; no chains for my limbs; no lashes for my back; no fires for my flesh; no master's frown or threat; no following another's steps; no need to bow, or cringe, or crawl, or utter lying words. I was free. I stood erect and fearlessly, joyously, faced all worlds.

And then my heart was filled with gratitude, with thankfulness, and went out in love to all the heroes, the thinkers who gave their lives for the liberty of hand and brain; for the freedom of labour and thought; to those who proudly mounted scaffold's stairs; to those whose flesh was scarred and torn; to those by fire consumed; to all the wise, the good, the brave of every land, whose thoughts and deeds have given freedom to the sons of men. And then I vowed to grasp the torch that they had held, and hold it high, that light might conquer darkness still.” (Robert. G. Ingersoll, "Why I Am Agnostic", 1896)

11/25/12

"Circ Diatribe"

You probably know from just being on facebook with me that I couldn't possibly feel more strongly about this issue. I don't care about people's 'opinions' on most issues - I'm a "live and let live" kind of person. Except when it comes to this issue for the sake of babies.
I am involved frequently in these conversations and it can be hard to not interject in the forums I discuss this issue in, I get it. You see me commenting on the ticker and it makes you want to say your side. You are not the first friend to do it.
But you lost my respect by what you said. You could have left it at " I happen to like my circumcised penis." that is fine and I am glad you do. But you added a completely uncalled for tirade about how disgusting the intact penis is. If you don't have one - how do you know? and for moms like me you are talking about our sons.
And every single point you made was wrong.
I can't really describe the horrible reaction I have to people bragging about circumcising their sons. It really does break my heart. I made that decision for my son and he has had terrible side effects from that procedure. Then I learned all there was to know about the issue and its really horrific if you research it.  It can't be compared to anything else we do to babies, its not like a vaccine, riding in a car, clipping fingernails, cutting the cord, etc. I mean even the thread in question started from a baby in an ER bleeding out because of this senseless act.
Everything you said is popular myth, but none of it is true. You are the perfect example of how cultural conditioning confuses even smart people. It is the exact cultural conditioning that keeps me speaking out. I can't wait for the day that this is a non-issue. And you might want to read up more about it before you are a grandfather, because chances are good that the next generation (your grandsons) will all remain intact. Circumcision rates are decreasing.
Once you care for an intact baby you realize how adhered the foreskin is and that cutting it away is like putting a blunt object all the way under your fingernail ripping the fingernail away then cutting it off at the base. Except even worse because the foreskin is the most sensitive part of the penis. - it is not dead skin dulling sensation like you said in your post.
It really is a horrible thing to do to babies. It just is. I am not and advocate for this issue to make grown men feel bad about their circumcised penis. Most are ok. And I am glad for them. But we should not keep doing this to babies.


1/12/13

[title blank]

I am Janie a girl raised Mormon in the South, not an easy thing. I am currently losing my faith and finding it at the same time, just in different places

1/16/13

"plus size birth"

The straps didn't fit right.

3/27/13

"I am not a mormon... anymore"

[blank]

5/8/13

"Deicide"

[blank]

5/22/13

"Big family road trips"

We just went to Virginia (so Texas is awesome but man ya'll Virginia is so. dang. beautiful.)

8/4/13

"Questions"

There was the blog post

8/14/13

"Love made me"

I finished Penn Jillette's new book last night. It was so good, and so so bad in parts. I'm pretty a pretty open thinker but whew parts made me blush and a couple pissed me off.

There was a chapter where he talked about the unconditional love of his family. And he said - that's how you be me, be very, very loved by people no matter what. I felt that. as they say:

I really felt that sentiment man.

10/9/13

"Equal footing"

When one exits a paradigm

3/24/14

"Why Mormonism's claim IS so crazy"

There is a popular blog floating about today, especially among devout Mormons. Since I was one of those myself. An active endowed church member I thought I would take a moment to address it.

Mormonism is either one of the biggest frauds in human history or it is the second most important thing to ever happen on this planet.

Just because a lot of people do something does not make it true. That thing would still need evidence. Do we have evidence of ANY of Joseph's claims? no

4/3/14

"What almost a year of skepticism has taught me"

Don't know exactly what sparked my interest in skepticism. I remember one thread where someone struggling with moving on from religion said I am now inspired by people who don't just take away the incorrect things I believed but teach me something new. They are positive. Then they listed some names like

Neil deGrasse Tyson
Steven Novella
Michael Shermer
James Randi

Today.

"Change Direction"

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss

Sometimes people send me sermons.

My response to a sermon a friend asked me to listen to - it can be found here

Sermon from 5/18/14 at Chase Oaks Church.

I sent my notes to the preacher, Jeff Jones, his personal assistant said he would be responding shortly but he never did.

My friend said my notes made her think, I asked her about talking to her preacher about a few things out of curiosity. She said although she had been attending there for five years she had never actually met or talked to the guy. Interesting.

I don't think you need to listen to the sermon necessarily to read the notes but you can if you would like to:

This will be sort of stream of consciousness from notes I took as I listened to the sermon, "Boycott the boycotts". I might use the language of speaking for all non-believers when I don't, just like I know the preacher does not speak for all Christians.

Starts with comparing the church's outlook to DNA. Its interesting to me that religion tries more and more to relate to science. One can respect science and be religious, but any effort to make religion seem scientific when it has no regard for evidence makes me suspect.

"We all have tricky relationships'…. Yes part of the human condition J

Breakdown of Christianity vs. culture…

This is where it kind of lost me logically. It’s a false dichotomy, an "us vs. them",  in-group/out-group thing that is frustrating about religion to begin with.

And it avoids the issue that within the faith that dichotomy exists on its own. Culture is ALL of us in the community, Christians contribute both good and bad to the culture as much if not more so than non-Christians. Especially given the fact that Christians whether they feel marginalized or not, ARE the majority.

"the people of this culture think differently from the bible"

GOOD.  One does need to ask the difficult question: is the bible even worth following? It espouses genocide, infanticide, rape, murder and slavery. The atonement of Jesus bypasses the question of could a loving parent deity not just forgive? why not? Why demand a blood sacrifice? Many non theists today are not unfamiliar with the bible. They don't abandon it to sin, they looked at it, examined it closely and reject it due to its own lack of merit. Christians don't need to bear a burden of exposing us to the bible. The claims of Christianity are already accessible.

Scientifically, markers of well-being improve the less religious a society is.

Then there were questions raised in the sermon about the Christian influence and does it cause the desired influence or more backlash. Then the scriptures were gone to specifically in Corinthians. Detailed description of Corinth and comparisons to Vegas, etc. Which I had many head scratching moments of wondering where the evidence for all these claims were. Do we have any historical evidence for this information of Corinth outside of the bible itself?.. but laying the lack of back up details to the back burner …
- lets move on to the topic. I'll paraphrase but the general idea I got was that this chapter sets up the premise that it is ok to judge and rebuke fellow Christ followers for their sins but the church does not have that jurisdiction outside of the church.

Then the sermon took a dark turn for me in the details of how to rebuke fellow church goers "get in their way"  "get them off the path" (on the path to sin) We may reject you from the fellowship because that IS biblical.. because we love you and don't want you on that path. It felt like a kind way of thought policing the congregation, sic them on each other. I’m sorry but that would keep me out of a congregation even IF I had belief.

Then my notes go on… I jotted down 'individual is king', 'Christ followers are family of god' - 'different standard', my memory is fuzzy but I took some umbrage at this false dichotomy as well.

Of all the "family" references I think it overlooked that many people that consider themselves humanists do look at the entire global community as family. The human family, all with shared trials and issues. In fact many humanists like myself are absolutely appalled at all the social injustices that continues everywhere. The overhead at churches alone could feed so many starving children, help end child pornography, etc. Now I don't want to create my own illogical comparison. Churches do offer community support and help with social causes and freethinking groups have overhead as well. It just seemed to me there were a lot of made up problems in this sermon that aren't even on the docket of the worlds most pressing problems. First world Christian problems if I may borrow a popular phrase.

Then from this point it was, if I could so crassly sum up: Be nice to the world because people are starting to think we are jerks. Its not our job to picket… side story about gay week at Disney, which I think if I had been a gay member of the congregation would have made me very uncomfortable, While there was no degrading of gay people there was an air of "they are the out-group" to that example. And it was noble of Disney to treat them as guests. Which, while that is absolutely true. We need to move on from that even being a conversation. Gay people are just people. Plain and simple, they don’t need anyone's ire or noble "I'm pointing out that we aren't pointing you out because we want to be good Christians"

Then admonitions to engage culture vs. fighting the culture. Increase your opportunities to have influence. Life is better when you follow what god has approved (ignoring for a moment that even across Christianity that can't be agreed on), Infiltrate and influence.. live so that people want to know where your peace comes from so they ask what your reason for hope is.

This is where I have a few things to say about that:

1. Christians already have vast influence in culture, schools, politics, and the market.

2. You put a lot of pressure on your congregants to exude happiness at all times, they have been challenged to represent Christianity with their glowing stories so that others will see their reasons for hope. There were people listening with very real problems and probably some with depression or other mental illnesses. They don't need the pressure of being the poster child for Christianity.

3. There is also the connotation that non-believers, atheists like myself don't have hope. We can, and do live lives of happiness, our countenance can also be inspiring to others and people can be influenced with our happiness and love even when our basis for that is not rooted in Christianity (or any faith) for that matter.

4. Many Christians speak openly about their faith ad nauseam. It might not be adding to the goal Christians have. Many of the people that are leaving religion (that number is rapidly growing)  are asking very deep, very probing questions. Trite pronouncements of faith and hope and love is not moving the conversation forward.

SO in short, I am very pleased with the concept of showing love more than judgment. Those nuggets I was impressed with but overall I think there was a lack of understanding for the group in which you labeled 'culture' and excluded yourself from being a part of.

It might come as a surprise but to some degree Christians like Westboro Baptists are considered (while completely vile) more intellectually honest. They unabashedly take the Bible at its face value, Christians that move the goalposts, claim truth but speak in vagueness confuse me more.  Address us all as the humans that we are, address your religion with better evidence and that will gain more influence for those not engaging with Christianity anymore.

let me know where I was off base.

Mr Jones talking to the insiders, here. 

Back to school 2014

Back to school cookies tradition continues: 

Vanilla sandwich cookies for Maiya

Peanut butter for Ben

Brownies for Cora 

Popcorn cookies for Ella 

Questioning Mormonism?

Shout out to anyone in the Dallas Fort Worth area, join us on Facebook or meetup at DAMIT "Dallas area Mormons in transition" 

We are having some fantastic Family home evenings and enrichment nights ;) please spread the word to anyone who could use the local support. 

Questions atheists can't truly answer... Ok I'll bite.

Some Questions Atheist Cannot Truly and Honestly REALLY Answer! Which leads to some interesting conclusions…

from here

1.       How Did You Become an Atheist?

 In the very unsettling process of leaving the religion I was raised in and the subsequent sadness I set out to learn logical fallacies, biases and the method to determining truth not based on feelings. It lead me to skepticism and I applied it to all religions the same way I did to my own.

2.       What happens when we die?

I can hope that a lot of things happen but the only credible evidence there is, is that the matter that is "us" becomes some other part of nature.  

3.       What if you’re wrong? And there is a Heaven? And there is a HELL!

I would hope "they" or him or her would judge me based on my actions and not my beliefs. Infinite reward or punishment for finite actions is illogical. If that is how the afterlife works it is not worth my mental energy and I will do what I do anyway and enjoy the time I have.

 “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
― Anonymous

4.       Without God, where do you get your morality from?

 The same place you do. Most religious folks I know do not consult their sacred text for every moral decision. Morality to me is a combination of treating others the way I want to be treated. Avoiding harm to others and myself and animals and nature. And asking myself if what I do is something EVERYONE else did, would this world be better or worse off?

5.       If there is no God, can we do what we want? Are we free to murder and rape? While good deeds are unrewarded?

Even if there is a god you can do what you want. Believers and non believers murder and rape. Fair secular justice is all we can aim for. Christian believers think those people are worthy of forgiveness solely for believing in Jesus.

 6.       If there is no god, how does your life have any meaning?

 It has meaning because I give it meaning. I feel meaning and love and accomplishment and enjoy the experiences therein.

7.       Where did the universe come from?

 We don't know. But believing god only moves that back one square. Where does god come from?
We learn more about the Big Bang and the Cosmos everyday. I am open to learning more about all of that. Religion? not so much.

8.       What about miracles? What all the people who claim to have a connection with Jesus? What about those who claim to have seen saints or angels?

Bias, delusion, groupthink, confusion, motivated reasoning, false memories, etc. This does not further the religious person's cause because for every person who has had a personal experience justifying their belief there is probably someone else who also had an experience that directly contradicts that. Mormonism (modern prophet) Islam (no prophets after Mohammad) Can not both be true. But both sides have miracles as their claim.

"Miracles are culturally accepted false beliefs."

9.       What’s your view of Dawkins, Hitchens and Harris?

Not relevant to the issue.

Dawkins is an expert on evolutionary biology. I learned a lot from the "Selfish Gene"

Hitchens - profound speaker especially in debate format.

Harris- fascinating information from his perspective on neurology. His book "Free Will" made me a more compassionate person.

10.   If there is no God, then why does every society have a religion?

We have evolved to patternistic thinking. We look for patterns even when they don't exist, our existential fears are comforted by the notion of a god so we look for notions of a deity to self soothe. Culturally we have also done this to solidify the group. It is pervasive and we indoctrinate our children to it before they even question. Its hard to go against that, so many don't even try, even though I would hazard to guess most harbor doubts.

Strengthen home and family?

A ranty post with all the feels today.

This is a perfect storm of emotions. The final crack of the whip  is still sounding through the air on the excommunication of Kate Kelly from Ordain Women. I listened to this podcast this morning and while I did not have a visceral reaction to her excommunication other than "how very very stupid of the church to do that" I was overcome with emotion listening to others describe the emotional violent nature of the church to women and questioners.

Then I am entangled in my own career/motherhood/'what the hell am I anymore' angst. I started last fall making personal goals to return to work and Occupational Therapy specifically. That led to continuing education, shadowing hours and crossing my t's and dotting my i's. I was done with national certification and Texas had received everything needed to process my state license. I reached out through networking for job prospects and got a JOB!! I was floored. Things were looking up. They were so excited for me to start I was calling the OT board daily and on Monday of last week a slightly confused but kind gentleman gave me my license number over the phone. I was so excited!! And set to start working.

Two days later someone else called to take my license away.

In Texas you can only procure a license one of two ways by endorsement (meaning you are currently licensed in another state) or by having recently taken the examination. The person who gave me my number over the phone was not supposed to have done that. I am back to square one it seems. I have passed on the job for now. I have also spent several days sulking. Which hasn't made for a fun summer for the kids.

I think its made all these frustrations bubble to the surface that I usually keep tamped down with moderate success. So I need to talk again ...

YES AGAIN about the emotions I've been working through leaving religion behind.

Many people who come in contact with the sticky problems of truth claims in the church decide to stay for reasons besides the traditional testimony reasons. The community, the culture, avoidance of ruined relationships, etc. I get that, I do. But the one I don't get anymore even though for a brief time period I said it myself: "I'm staying for the sake of my children"

I want to sit and chat (sincerely) with every church member staying for their kids.  I'm not bullshitting at all I'd talk to them all if I could.


The church is preparing kids for a world that doesn't exist really. Girls will grow up with no limitations anywhere besides the church for having a vagina instead of a penis. Personal Progress that seems more about preparing them for "home and family" than higher education and upward mobility in the world is not really preparation.

No one with friends and colleagues that are LGBT and can get to know them can continue to respect the church's position. Each time in history where the church meets up to social causes the church has been wrong and takes far too long to come around.

So here I sit.

I LOVE MY KIDS to freaking bits. They are hands down the best thing I got from being a Mormon woman. I was sort of self righteous about my open womb for Jesus on this very blog (I leave that up for humility's sake)
But now I am struggling to return to work. The license department tsk-tsking me that I didn't maintain my license. Saying "I prayed about it and felt I shouldn't" doesn't mean shit to them.
We gave over $70,000 to the church yet we have no retirement and STILL will be paying our own student loans when our children start college.
With six kids, our groceries rival our mortgage and our kids are only going to camp this year because of generous donations from the freethought community. Activities/extracurricular things for six are not really an option. I am floored by what our gas costs will be to go see family in a week - why? BECAUSE WE HAVE TO DRIVE A BUS.

The church prepared me for what I feel like now is a untenable situation that is not conducive to mental well being.

I filled two grocery carts to the brim today, I couldn't be overly concerned with organic or even healthy because it was more like "how can we make this money work for 3 meals a day for 8". Ella daydreamed outloud about being a lawyer and I thought to myself a few years ago I would have made some statement about balancing that with motherhood and today thought SCREW THAT.

instead said "that is an absolutely valid plan Ella." There is nothing stopping you.

I'm not raising my kids under any organization that thinks they know what god wants you to do and that depends on your genitalia.

My path is a bit set for me now, we will figure it out. I'll keep making phone calls and making the decisions that get me to a career of some type. I have skills man, and damn it people like me.
We will have a happy loud home with bologna sandwiches instead of organic smoothies. I'm so grateful that Kyle works so hard for his family. Others have it much harder than us.

We will do great. But my girls won't be doing personal progress that indoctrinates them into what it means to be a "daughter of heavenly father" They will get to make their own goals. I'm not doing that for them. And I'm sure as hell not letting a church do it for them either.